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November 16

Capri Theatre
Adelaide, AU


November 18

Fly By Night Club
Perth, AU


November 19

Fly By Night Club
Perth, AU


November 22

Dallas Brooks Centre
Melbourne, AU


November 26

University of Auckland
Auckland, NZ
No other New Zealand cities/towns will be added



Not Good Enough


Here's a first - I'm re-calling my own merch.

We thought it would be fun to put out a "Sausage Army" high-end football jersey. Well, we rushed the thing before I left for 5 weeks of London.

Turns out that the finished product was nothing like the sample I was shown before I approved it and got on the plane. I guess I'm no Puff Fucky and my merch will never go global. 

I just got home and now realize why every picture my web-guy sent me of the jersey looked like shit. That's because it is like shit. It was supposed to be the quality of something you'd buy at a pro game. Instead they put it on a shitty, cheap and too-short lightweight football jersey that - ironically - is most fitting for chicks.

Bottom line is I'm embarrassed that I've had it for sale for too much money for three weeks before I got home to find out I hate it. Selling merch seems creepy on some level anyway but I won't sell over-priced garbage that I *know* is shit unless it's my actual live show, then I'll rip you off blind.

So I pulled them immediately.

If you want your money back I completely understand and agree. Email me at with "jersey" in the subject and we'll take care of it. Or you can just wait til I come to your town and we'll trade out. 

I'll look for a better jersey, or just a better idea. And then I'll drag this huge bulk of jerseys on the road and dump them on drunks or chicks for cost - at least then you can see what they really look like before you get the wrong idea of what they look like the same way I did.

Some things fuck up but I make 'em right. Maybe I'm over-reacting since I havent got an actual complaint but they aren't what I was sold so I ain't puttin 'em on my website.

Ok, that's all - I'll get another update that might be entertaining in a couple days.




Dying For Football



Another night, another Stanhope Sausage Army Hate-Fest Comedy Show.

My Facebook page shows my demographics as being nearly 82 percent male. I think if there were a Facebook Fan Page for Rape it would have more chicks "like" it. 

Granted, the 18 percent of ladies that do show up are pretty fucking cool, intelligent and probably do ass sex but it's still confusing to me why there is probably a higher percentage women in combat roles in the military than among my audience.

No sense in fighting it. I'll just have to accept it for what it is.

It's football season anyway and I need to talk point-spreads and over/unders and survivor pool picks without any interruption. Not that it's only women who find football to be stupid by any stretch. There's plenty of guys and Europeans who remind me of that on every NFL-related Facebook post.

I know it's stupid. It's just as stupid as any number of other pointless endeavors that waste away the hours. You have yours, I have mine. Mine is football season.

This year I didn't book Saturdays on the road so I wouldn't have to travel on Sundays. I'll be at the house from the first Bloody Mary at kick-off Sunday morning until the last beer on Monday Night.

But this year won't be as much fun without Russ Dunn. Russ was my friend and one of the regulars at the house every weekend for the games. He and I happily admitted that we were the gayest football fans in the world because we were both fixated on the uniforms. We'd talk about them like we were flaming fashion critics. We were really hoping for a Jets/Packers because the colors would compliment each other so well. We got giddy as school-girls when the Patriots or the Bucs wore their throwbacks.

Yep. Gay as shit. Russ died of a massive brain aneurysm in March, leaving a massive hole in Bisbee and it's going to be that much more apparent once the season kicks off... when I'm the only guy with a boner on the weekend that the Titans break out their old Oilers uniforms.

It'd be nice if the rest of you stopped dying for a while except for the ones I have in my celebrity death pool and those people really need to step up. I've dropped to fifth place in the pool after so many others scored big on Amy Winehouse.




This Thursday Marc Maron will be airing my second appearance on his WTF podcast. It's the hip thing to do and we don't talk about football at all from what I remember. Set your clocks for it. 

Available HERE on Thursday.


Here's What Happened...



I'll make this brief. I used to want to concoct this kind of attention but now it's almost like fish in a barrel.
I was on BBC Radio 5 Live with Richard Bacon a few days ago here in London. There is no BBC radio that I know of that resembles any kind of American terrestrial morning radio much less Howard Stern, etc. It all pretty much feels like an even more uptight, humorless version of NPR and I have resigned myself to play along and give boring, toothless interviews without jokes.
Richard Bacon seemed to appreciate that I wasn't throwing his career into disarray by forcing parts of my act in where it didn't belong. The problem with doing a straight interview on a station that appeals to the mainstream is that some of the listeners might actually come to your show having no idea what is in store and will be sadly disappointed or butt-hurt. Mr Bacon did his best to warn his people in a very English, passive-aggressive way by using 1000 big words to say I was very offensive.
As an aside, he said that if anyone didn't believe that I'm really that bad, they should find my Sarah Palin bit on YouTube. And then the polite, gentlemanly interview ended.
Now we get to a classic case of the blind leading the blind - or in this case the idiots leading the retarded. 
The following appeared on the home page of the Down's Syndrome Association of the UK:
DSA make official complaint following Richard Bacon's Radio 5 Live Show
- Friday, 05 August 2011 12:54
The Down's Syndrome Association is shocked that a BBC employee has publicised the work of a comedian which is nothing more than a vile offensive rant and conflicts with BBC guidelines which state a responsibility to 'protect the vulnerable and avoid unjustifiable offence'. 
During Richard Bacon's BBC 5 show yesterday afternoon he directed listeners to a video of Doug Stanhope discussing the son of Sarah Palin on YouTube.
The child was born with Down's syndrome and Mr Stanhope's comments about him were abhorrent.
As a public body the BBC should not be promoting the work of such an individual. Therefore the Down's Syndrome Association has logged an official complaint with the BBC.  We encourage everyone to do to the same using the link below -   
Well, guess what, fuck-mouth? I encourage my fans to contact that same link as well. 
If I were to dissect that piece of comedy, I could make very defensible points; that I was actually making satire of the personal attacks in political campaigns, or commenting on the attempts by some Republicans to bring god into politics, or any number of lesser arguments but the truth is that it was just flat-out shock humor meant to appeal to the most base part of my own personal sense of awful humor.
That is the same sense of humor that Richard Bacon repeatedly warned you about for your own good. Yet you still sought out the clip? Imagine if Richard Bacon had actress Sasha Grey as a guest, someone who is known for her cross-over from pornography. He warns the audience over and over that some of her x-rated work would be upsetting. You race to your computer to watch, then blame Mr Bacon and implore folks to file complaints saying that Richard Bacon was "directing" you to do so?
Do you see why you suck shit? You see why you are far more deserving of the moniker "retarded?"
I don't care if you come after me for things that I've said. You can obviously see that I don't give a fuck. Going after a presenter and the network for having a guest who once said something years ago that was vaguely alluded to? You are a cabal of cowards and self-important dim-wits and the authorities who you run to for muscle should be the same people that deem you unfit to care for those you purport to be defending.
In short, you are not fit to protect the retarded.
Oh... and go fuck yourself in the head. I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.