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TOUR DATES

 

August 15

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 16

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 17

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 21

Comedy Store
Los Angeles, CA

 

August 22

Comedy Store
Los Angeles, CA

 

August 27

Cobb's Comedy Club
San Francisco, CA

 

August 28

Cobb's Comedy Club
San Francisco, CA

 

September 12

The Trocadero
Philadelphia, PA

 

September 13

State Theatre
Falls Church, VA
Cheapest tickets at the Box Office

 

September 18

San Jose Improv
San Jose, CA

 

September 19

The Mohawk
Austin, TX

 

September 27

Plaza Hotel & Casino
Las Vegas, NV

 

November 11

Venue TBA
Brisbane, AU

 

November 14

UNSW Roundhouse
Sydney, AU

 

Saturday
Apr072012

Who Reads These Turkeys?

I can't imagine that Allison Pearson has any friends within her profession. Otherwise someone would sit her down and stop her from making such a buffoon of herself repeatedly in a national newspaper.

Allison Pearson is a columnist for the UK newspaper The Daily Telegraph. She has also written two romance novels, a feat as impressive as a songwriter landing a jingle for a toilet paper commercial.

A few weeks ago here a man named Tony Nicklinson made the news with his fight with the High Court for the right to die. Mr Nicklinson is what they call a Tetraplegic. He's 53 and his mind works perfectly but he is trapped in his body and can only communicate by blinking his eyes. He's been there for 6 years. In short, Mr Nicklinson is as fucked as you can get.

His story made national news here and Allison Pearson followed it up with a half-assed, empty-calorie, op-ed piece disparaging not just the right to die but seemingly Mr Nicklinson himself.

She had very little or nothing of any bolstered argument on the issue, only snide, condescending personal jabs at the expense of a man who can only communicate by blinking his eyelids.

She suggests he should just starve to death if it's so bad. She suggests he just go off his meds and hope for an infection, like some cruel version of Mother's Home Remedies. All in the most sarcastic, condescending tone.

She suggests he just make the best of it like Stephen Hawking.

Vulgar.
 
My problem wasn't with the point of view - she didn't seem to have one other than "I think it's wrong" - but with the snarky, dismissive attitude like this poor fuck was a whining child asking for too much dessert.

So after reading this I threw out a Facebook/Twitter post that included the word "cunt," of course, to share the story. I also tweeted that I had gone Christian just to pray she got a fetid ovarian cyst. Because that's funny.

This started a bit of a Twitter war that I won't bother going into too much detail about here. It's better treated on stage and you'll most certainly hear about it if you see any of my remaining shows in England. At the end, I will tape it and put it out on my website for those who couldn't make the live shows.

Allison Pearson responded with a series of head-scratching tweets threatening to report me to Twitter (?) investigate my employers (??), call the police (???), before tweeting "I am writing a column about vile misogyny of @dougstanhope. If you know of any other woman thus attacked let me know. Pls RT."

Well, obviously someone did sit her down and explain why using the word "cunt" in the UK rarely has any gender distinction and that writing an article about me being a woman-hater based solely on one word might be too stupid even by her standards. The only evidence she might find of me being abusive to women are the juvenile videos of us fucking with my girlfriend Bingo  on this road trip.

This whole affair seemed to come to an end when someone turned up another column she'd written two years previously in which she completely contradicts herself, entitled "Why I Admire The Mother Who Killed Her ME Daughter." ME is some kinda disease that left a woman in a state similar to Tony Nicklinson and after years of suffering, the mother did as her daughter asked and put her out of her misery. For some reason Allison Pearson didn't think that woman should suck it up Hawking-style. That's because Allison Pearson doesn't really have an opinion. She just has a job and she does it in a slip-shod fashion without giving a fuck who gets hurt.

Once that contradictory article started making it's way around this Twitter battle, Allison (I like to call her "Ally" or sometimes just "Sugar-Tits") Pearson shut her ridiculous clown mouth, put on her dunce cap and slinked off into the corner.

I thought that was the end of it until last week when I found a big, full-color picture of me in her column right beside a guy who'd just been sentenced to prison for inciting racial hatred on Twitter. He had live-tweeted the on-field heart attack of a black soccer player with the most puerile invective and was for a moment the most hated man in the whole country.

Here we are, hand in hand in the Holy Matrimony of the Press, under the headline "What Planet Are They From?"

Nice spin, Ally. Put me alongside the Asshole Poster-Child Du Jour as partners in crime in "cyber-bullying." And go from abuser to victim in the drop of a "send" button.

The article is so full of distortions, mis-quotes, spin and out-right lies that if I were to put it into my act, there wouldn't have been any time left for even a quick fist-fuck joke for a closer.

I'll go through the most egregious parts to show what a slap-dash attempt this is to defame and denigrate me.

The article starts out talking about the 56 day jail sentence that Liam Stacey received for online taunting of Fabrice Muamba as he was laying on the field after having a heart attack that began with him tweeting "Fuck Muamba. He's dead!!!" (He didn't die but came close.)

How this incites racial hatred, I don't know. There must be more but Ally-Pants didn't want to say. She only says that it was a "barrage of obscene racist comments that I will not ruin your breakfast by repeating." Nor inform the reader of what one could possibly say to go to jail for tweeting. That seems like it would be important to include.

After some digging I found screen shots of Liam Stacey's tweets in question. Just stupid, "what's the worst thing I can say for attention" repetitive garbage. Dick for the sake of being a dick. "Go rape your mother" and "go suck a nigger dick you aids ridden cunt". Like he took all the worst words he knew would get reactions and cut 'n' pasted them. Definitely a shithead but inciting racial hatred? Not really a White Power/Nazi Rally call to arms that should qualify for a prison sentence.

But that's another argument and another bit altogether.

In the article, Pearson basks in the schadenfreude of his imprisonment and for a reason... because she got called a bad word online and she wants to share that horror story with you here.

She talks about the Nicklinson article and the "flurry of emails, the usual mixture of support and furious disagreement" that she received. I imagine the "flurry" is probably 3 or 4 on a heavy day.

Then she writes that next "I went on my Twitter and found my name next to a well known gynecological insult. I was bewildered. Who was this guy I'd never heard of - one Doug Stanhope and why, if he disagreed so strongly with my column, didn't he find a way of saying so that didn't involve calling me a Sarah Lund?"

Just ignore the Sarah Lund part - nobody knows what the fuck that's about. I assume it was her attempt at rhyming slang for cunt that doesn't quite rhyme.

But you were bewildered? A guy you've never heard of? You mean most of your feedback comes from close personal friends? They never use any insults? Is this your first day on the job? Holy shit.

"Stanhope turned out to be an American 'comedian': being horrible and offensive is his job description."

No, my job description is a person who seeks to entertain an audience, primarily by making them laugh. Horrible and offensive, if that's how you see it, is simply my style. It's your style as well, but you do it to incite, not to entertain.

"For example, in his stage routine, Stanhope described the birth of Sarah Palin's Down Syndrome baby thus: "Threw that spastic out of that 'tard (retard) launcher ---- of yours."

I guess at this point Ally stopped caring about ruining people's breakfasts.

Nice you had to travel back four years to find a bit you thought would vilify me. And completely out of context.  You failed to mention that the whole 'retard baby/tard launcher' quote was delivered in the voice of then-VP candidate Joe Biden, saying it to Sarah Palin during the debates, satirizing the mud-slinging and personal attacks of the campaign. But being clear about that wouldn't really paint me as the monster you want people to imagine.

Like the kind of monster who would so thoughtlessly shit on a completely paralyzed guy so savagely crippled that he is begging to be killed.

You are an idiot and an ogre. But let's move on.

"Doug invited his unmerry men to join in the fun. Stanhope has 83,000 followers on Twitter and he directed them to "read this ---- Allison Pearson's column."

In full, what I said was "To fully understand my rage and upcoming vitriol you'll first need to read this cunt @allisonpearson's column..." and I posted that so people would be familiar with the piece when I talked about it on stage that night. You see, Ally-Baby, my act is my "column." I use Twitter to promote it. I'm sure you'd have no problem fitting the entirety of your hollow & hobbled arguments into 140 characters and still leave room for a retweet and a hashtag but I try to flesh it out more and save it for the stage.

"Over the next 48 hours, I learned a lot about Stanhope fans as they swarmed over my Twitter timeline like killer ants."

No kidding. They can be fucking brutal. They scare me sometimes. You'd previously tweeted that they were like a swarm of locusts and in another article you called them swarming killer termites, both of which are a bit more creative than"ants". I think I like "Killer Termites" the best and will continue to use that as a monicker for them that they'll wear with pride. Until now, they were my "Sausage Army," but that seems to exclude the ladies.

Regardless, they can be brutal in a Liam Stacey way and that's why when I saw some of the things they were saying I immediately tweeted "And for my fans please don't randomly abuse @allisonpearson. Read her article and excoriate her smug, personal smear of the weakest of men." They didn't attack you just because I used the word cunt. They attacked you because I had them read what you wrote and a lot of em felt the same way I did. This is still all on you, no matter how you try to turn it around.

Kinda tough to handcuff me to Liam Stacey as some vicious internet bully when I'm tweeting people specifically not to abuse you. Almost libelous. But you pulled it off.

"Spite and impotent fury should not be allowed to hide under the magnificent cloak of free speech. Doesn't a Down's boy have the right not to be called a retard by a so-called comedian?"

Now, this is where I fucking lose it. What the fuck does a bit from my act, one that you are happy to take out of context, have any fucking thing to do with Twitter abuse? That's what your article is supposed to be about, isn't it? Or is it all a big fucking hit piece, a personal vendetta cloaked under the guise of journalism because you wrote some really ugly shit and I called you out on it publicly. If your article is supposed to be about cyber-bullying on Twitter, how the fuck does Sarah Palin's baby come into it? Are you trying to intimate that I have been tweeting Trig Palin - as though that's even possible - to call him a retard?

 

You are repugnant. And you know it. Even your own publication knows it. Did you notice that in the heat of our exchanges that your own newspaper listed my show in Edinburgh as its critic's choice? I think that was more of an internal finger to you than a pat on the back for me.

You even mention BBC radio presenter Richard Bacon and his documentary on his own dealings with cyber-stalkers into this piece as though he were some kind of ally of yours.

Well, Ally-Whacker, lemme throw you a quote from Richard Bacon during our interview last year. "Doug Stanhope is here. Just a remarkable stand-up comic. If you haven't seen him and want a flavor of what he's like go to YouTube now and type 'Doug Stanhope Sarah Palin' [laughs] and get back to me."

Yeah. That's your companion in the horrific trenches of internet name-calling.

The conclusion of your column makes me want to grab the weathered skin of the back of your neck and rub your nose in it like a puppy in his own loose stool.

You say that Liam Stacey shouldn't have been kicked out of school or sent to prison.

"Far more effective, surely, to take Liam to the bedside of Fabrice Muamba and make him stand there, repeat the callous words that he tweeted when Fabrice was suspended between life and death, and apologize."

No shit? You mean EXACTLY THE SAME fucking thing you should do to Mr Tony Nicklinson?

You try to malign me and brand me with the same mark as some headline-making internet troll solely out of personal spite. You tried and failed to have me fired, arrested, denounced as a "vile misogynist" and when all that failed, you fraudulently cast me as a cyber-bully, only because an actual one made the news and you found a weak tie-in.

You don't even understand the concept of an internet troll. I stand up alone in front of people nightly, my exact location announced well in advance and speak my opinions openly and publicly. You sit hunched over a laptop with a finger-sandwich hanging out of your mouth, blurt out whatever inane, reckless pap you can generate and think that there will be no repercussions, save for your alleged "flurry" of emails.

You would never have the balls to stand up and speak directly to a public gathering of Telegraph readers. You are the troll, Allison Pearson. You've always been the trolls.

This is the arrogance of a media that is beginning to realize that they no longer have a monopoly on public discourse. People like Allison Pearson are dipping their toes into the internet, into the medium that is quickly making them irrelevant and they are shivering at coldness of their own sudden vulnerability.

It used to be that people like me were at your mercy, Al-Zebub Pearson. If I said something considered mean-spirited or off-color on stage, the papers could lambaste me in the press with impunity. Now the shoe is on the other foot as we, the people have columns and readers of our own. You wrote what I found to be loathsome, I gave you a bad review and all of a sudden the flurry of email you're getting isn't so pretty.

You are a moribund Vaudeville act. And you can either sink with the ship or come into the future where you are gonna have to hear what people think in whatever language they choose to use. If you google my name or read the comments on any one of my Youtube clips, you'll find boatloads of comments that are far worse than any of the slings and arrows you or even Fabrice Muamba suffered. It's par for the course. And if anyone ever went to prison for even a minute because of the viciousness of their online attacks on me, I would campaign endlessly for their freedom.

Enjoy your breakfast.

BLINK BLINK BLINK BLINK

stanhope

Monday
Feb202012

*** New Website Hours ***

Mon - Fri 8AM - 8PM
Sat Noon - 6PM
Closed Sundays
Wednesday
Nov162011

We Reap What We Sow and I Ain't Sown Shit

 

The only time I can ever remember doing a benefit show was at the Comedy Store fuck-teen years ago for legalizing weed in the days I would have done a spot anywhere for anything.

I don't do benefits for a reason. Most people don't like what I do. It's a simple fact. And benefit shows tend to draw caring, sensitive people cutting my demographic down to almost nil. Your friend is dying of face-cancer and all his friends and family are there at the show to show support and raise money and on stage you have some drunken asshole bleating on about justifiable homicide and corrective rape and the meaninglessness of life. And if that doesn't ruin the night, I'd probably not be able to stop myself from a couple face-cancer jokes to close it out.

I'm not heartless or greedy, I'm just not cut out to do charity functions. I'd rather just send a check than email apologies the next day.

The only way I can do a charity event is to simply do my own show for my own fans and just give the money to whatever organization without having someone's crying family staring at me uncomfortably.

So that's what I'm doing for the Humane Society of Southern Arizona.

If you haven't read THIS - I recently had a much-needed surgery pro bono from some extraordinarily generous surgeons in Tucson. In return, I told them I would do a benefit for whatever charity they chose. It was the least I could do, mathematically, in comparison to what surgery costs.

They chose the Humane Society which I love because unlike most of the human-related charities I mock, spay-and-neuter is at the core of what they preach. If that was one of the base messages of UNICEF or Habitat for Humanity then I'd be far more inclined to participate.

My big faux-pas was to book it in a theater that seats about four or five times what I can draw in that market. So I've been Twittering my dick off trying to find someone with a name that loves homeless kittens, who can sell tickets, and that doesn't need money. In Tucson. On a Saturday.

Funny how you go to call in a favor only to realize nobody owes you one. I should have been a better person I guess. I should have done more benefit shows when I had the act for it.

The good news is that a lot of my friends are still the funniest people in the world even if they aren't Big Names and the show will be a monster regardless. Brendon Walsh and Henry Phillips have signed on and we have local legends Nowhere Man & a Whiskey Girl as the house band.

Nobody is getting a cut of the profits. I'm paying everyone's expenses out of my pocket, not the gate. I'll be auctioning off Mother's Ashes as well as lots of other sentimental oddities. Bingo even said she'll auction off a lubricated handjob but I think that's illegal even in the free-thinking, progressive state of Arizona.

I'm only pushing this show this hard because some nice folks were nice to me and I don't wanna look like a dick in paying them back. So please spread the word and Facebook and Retweet and whatever the fuck it is you kids do.

Oh... and whatever you do... don't Twitter Sarah Silverman repeatedly about coming to this event. The sexual tension between us would be too palpable for mere comedy to overcome.

Here's to kittens and puppies,

stanhope  

 

Tickets available through Brown Paper Tickets.