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Monday
Jan132003

Doug At The AVN Awards

 

Nina Hartley came over the afternoon of the AVN awards and told me good luck, have fun. Then she told me to stay away from sex jokes - that although you'd think they'd work in this audience, they won't.

Talk about a pre-show head-fuck. Like telling her before her first porn shoot "Have fun, be yourself. Just don't take off your clothes."

Turns out I could have read baking tips off a Ritz cracker box or blown my head off and no one would have noticed. Porn stars would have stood on my corpse, blood and spoiled dreams leaking from my skull, and tearfully accepted their award for Best Pre-Shoot Enema Blooper or Best Hung Tranny in a Prison Rape Scene.

I knew a painful death was coming but there is really no way to prepare for it. Like my upcoming vasectomy, which is now scheduled for January 27th, the day after the SuperBowl. Let's hope he doesn't drink like I do. But I digress.

 


Chloe, my co-host, was fucking great and really cool to hang with. Other than that, most of the porn stars avoided me - save for Seymour Butts.

Seymour Butts won my award for Coolest Porn Star Going Out Of His Way To Talk To The Comic Who's Been Eating His Own Dick On Stage All Night. Backstage, he was getting ready to go up to present an award while at the same time filming some reality show for Showtime. He came over to say good job and what-not and said that it was really fucked up that during my set they had been putting different porn chicks in the audience pulling out their tits up on the many huge screens in the showroom.

Thanks for noticing.

I didn't know it while I was on stage, since the screens all faced away from me halfway down a ballroom of some 3500 people. I guess I wouldn't have been listening either.

By the time they announced the Best Film (The Fashionistas - highly recommended), most of the people were gone. They call this the Oscars of the porn industry but it isn't. I'd love it if the Oscars were like this. If Gwenyth Paltrow won best supporting actress and then just got up with her whole party and left immediately afterwards - honest in the fact that she could give six fucks about anyone else, then they could call themselves the AVN's of mainstream.

Dave Attell was filming Insomniac across the hall at the shithole C2K after-party and we tried to do a segment but I doubt you could hear a word of it over the din of dance music and wall-to-wall thumping ego. By the time my wife and freinds pushed their way in, I had to get the fuck out.

 

I don't like any situation where someone's status-of-the-moment is their ticket in. My friends from Alaska were standing at the rail offering any lie or cash option to get into this shithole C2K and getting shut down while the manager told the meat-fuck door man that I was "obviously OK" to waltz in. Think if I go back next week and say that I'm the host from the AVN's that I'll be let under the rope? Fuck them. Fuck the shithole Venetian and the shithole C2K.

I'm repeating shithole Venetian Hotel Las Vegas and shithole C2K because they are both shitholes and I'm hoping it increases the odds of that coming up on any google search of their names. If you stay in Vegas, Don't stay at shithole rigged machines overpriced baby rape cancer causing Venetion Hotel Casino Las Vegas or club at any shithole AIDS-related terrorist wholesale burn victim bowel affliction smallpox C2K

 

Stay off the strip - like the Plaza or any of the Station casinos.

All in all, it was a great time. Unfortunately I was too fried afterwards and had too many of my own friends and family to hang with to go delving into porn-party evil. When people travel that far to see you just to get the door shut in their face, I'd rather be outside the door with them.

 

Buy my stuff. Or buy my friendship by simply sending me money via Pay Pal. C'mon, I'm going to Belize tomorrow with my wife and the Becker's. I need money. C'mon, seriously. A lot of money. That's all I need.

Pete Townsend jokes seem easy right now but remember that "child porn" is a buzzword for "guilty" anymore. My friend, who has a cunt wife, was going to get a Tracy Lords tape on eBay and I hammered him not to because all she'd have to do is find it and tell a judge that he had "child porn" and he's automatically guilty, regardless of the details.

"Child porn" is a used as a buzz-word to get all porn taken away the same way "partial-birth abortion" is used to set precedent to eliminate all abortion.

Even if Pete really was whacking off to a 2 year old speared ass-wise on an old man's dick, the kid's not in therapy because of Pete Townsend. I go to rotten.com and look at murder pictures all day but that doesn't make me a murderer or potential murderer. If anything, it makes me wear a seatbelt.

Thought Police, Thought Police...

You've all seen the news footage of the Cookeville, TN police shooting a happy puppy in the face. If you haven't - google search it.

If you watch the video and photo-shop the heads between dog and cop - you can jack off to it.

I've been calling the rat fuck titbag horse-blowing laugh when they get shot in the face pig shit Cookeville Police at 931.526.2125 and asking them an array of questions.

"My dog just walked in on me masturbating. Is it ok to shoot him in the head?"

"The neighbor's dog just brought a tennis ball towards me in a threatening manner. What's a good caliber to make his brains splatter like melon under a truck tire?"

"I'm from the Johnson City Babtist Churh and we're having a prayer session for that poor officer who shot that evil puppy and we'd like to have you pray with us. Dear Jesus. Please make Officer Eric Hall's children choke to death on their Christmas presents."

Am I suggesting you should do the same?

Yes.

Email here -http://www.cookevillepolice.com

Or send a postcard to

Cookeville Police Department
Public Safety Building
10 E. Broad Street
Cookeville, TN 38501

Sunday
Jan052003

Happy New Years, Again.

 

 

Eugene is a phenomenal town where there you can still smell a faint air of fun and individuality in the world. We were at a market in town and the kid at the register had fashioned a cardboard box into a helmet - complete with the gladiator-style nose piece - and had written on the side "Employee of the Moment". Too bad that most of the world - both corporate and the antithesis - has sucked so much of the humor out of life.

 

Happy New Year, yet again. This was the first New Years since I started comedy that I didn't work. We ended up driving to Eugene, Oregon last minute to hang out with some of Renee's old friends and get tanked in someones garage, barely remembering hollering like a rookie at midnight.

New Years shows suck but at least you're getting good coin. If not for the money, there is no need to be in public that night. Fortunately, we weren't in public. We were drinking at a house party with regular people who didn't give a fuck about comedy and it was almost like being a real person, if not a real person who hates fucking New Years.

 

Aside from New Years, I hate getting Christmas presents. I suck at buying them and therefore I don't. So getting one makes me feel like that much more of an asshole. My wife got me Fante. I spent 7 hours shopping and got her a refrigerator magnet and a blow-gun for myself before swearing off gifts altogether.

I met with the AVN folks yesterday for a rehearsal of the awards show. My co-host and favorite porn star Chloe is a fucking riot and probably the only porn actress that wouldn't turn into a burning Hindenburg tragedy on stage.

She was bitching about her back being fucked up.

She said she threw it out fucking the guy from Great White and then aggravated it on New Years Eve banging the bass player from Danzig in a toilet.

I told her maybe she ought to try fucking a musician from this decade. Evidently you could be a guy from NightRanger and still be getting high-end stink.

Sunday
Dec292002

The Audience And The Bible

I spent twenty minutes on the phone between shows tonite at the Funny Farm in Atlanta with someone who'd called to complain about my first show. I happened to be walking by when the booker was laughing and pointing to the phone so I took the call.

Weird how you will argue with an insane person forever, hoping to win.

I'd opened the show reading Corinthians 13:5, or maybe its 5:13, that says you should not associate with drunkards and the sexually immoral, etc. just letting the good Christians folks know that now was the time to leave.

Of course, no one did. Not right away.

About ten minutes in, when they found out I wasn't kidding, they started leaving. And then, between shows, they started calling. The guy that I talked to told me, as he'd told the booker, that I wasn't funny because I had to walk out with a Bible and a newspaper rather than "just making trees funny" or what-have-you.

I argued with him. Laughingly, but I still spent time arguing.

I am no different than the audience I disdain. I get off on being angry. It's a hobby and it's not a hard one but at least I know why I'm angry.

I don't really know the Bible. Enough of the ridiculous parts have been pointed out so that I can get to them to make a point. The parts that condone slavery, rape and death to just about anyone who does anything from cheating to sucking a dick. You don't have to read the entire Warren Report to figure out that the JFK assaination wasn't the way they played it off. The problem is bringing it out in a way that makes people aware of the obvious flaws rather than simply being bombastic and making people double back and clutch to the bullshit they were weened on.

People don't believe in the Bible as a whole work. Most people who say they do have never read it beyond the shit that makes the bumpersticker. But if you push em against a wall, they start crying faith.

I've yet to find the way to make it funny and do it in a way that actually does make people reconsider that nonsense they have taken as fact. Until I do, I'll continue to take calls between shows.

It isn't that I want to make folks pissed off - not that it hurts me when they are - but that it makes me absolutely and uncontrollaby fucking nutty when people can't understand how obvious it is in it's duplicity.

You believe in this nonsense why? Because you sought it out and it struck you as sensible?

Trust me, if I had a vision from Jesus right now - telling me that all that shit is on the up and up - I would buy it. If a green spaceman beamed me up to his ship and told me that we are all clones, I'd start a cult. But that doesn't seem to happen to anyone but inmates and addicts - the ones religion tends to discard first.

Any religious belief without basis is limiting at the expense of the soul. The moments of true spirituality I have had have been awe-striking and better than love or having money on the dog. The times I have spent seeking it have always felt like the most important and rewarding work you can do. To write off those moments with the most applicable scripture passage or to manage all your highs and lows by sitting on your knees and quoting some Biblical passage is lazy and cheating yourself from finding something real and all your own.

You believe? No, you don't. Someone told you that you had to believe and you believed them so you say you believe. But you don't.

I have no reason to believe so I don't. I prefer child-like wonderment. If I believed what you claim to know for fact, I'd make sure to pray and die early. Until then, I'll continue taking calls from bile-spewing rednecks tween shows and arguing until I can't stop laughing.

stanhope