Register For Tour Updates

* indicates required
Email Format



New Album!



Available digitally on Amazon & Amazon UK

Also available digitally, instantly:

Search

TOUR DATES

 

August 13

Hotel Congress
Tucson, AZ

 

August 15

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 16

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 17

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 21

Comedy Store
Los Angeles, CA

 

August 22

Comedy Store
Los Angeles, CA

 

August 27

Cobb's Comedy Club
San Francisco, CA

 

August 28

Cobb's Comedy Club
San Francisco, CA

 

September 12

The Trocadero
Philadelphia, PA

 

September 13

State Theatre
Falls Church, VA
Cheapest tickets are at the Venue Box Office

 

September 18

San Jose Improv
San Jose, CA

 

September 19

The Mohawk
Austin, TX

 

September 27

Plaza Hotel & Casino
Las Vegas, NV

 

October 7

El Paso Comic Strip Comedy Club
El Paso, TX

 

October 9

Launchpad
Albuquerque, NM

 

October 10

Outland Ballroom
Springfield, MO

 

November 11

The Greek Club
Brisbane, AU

 

November 14

UNSW Roundhouse
Sydney, AU

 

November 16

Venue TBA
Adelaide, AU

 

November 22

Venue TBA
Melbourne, AU

 

Sunday
Jan052003

Happy New Years, Again.

 

 

Eugene is a phenomenal town where there you can still smell a faint air of fun and individuality in the world. We were at a market in town and the kid at the register had fashioned a cardboard box into a helmet - complete with the gladiator-style nose piece - and had written on the side "Employee of the Moment". Too bad that most of the world - both corporate and the antithesis - has sucked so much of the humor out of life.

 

Happy New Year, yet again. This was the first New Years since I started comedy that I didn't work. We ended up driving to Eugene, Oregon last minute to hang out with some of Renee's old friends and get tanked in someones garage, barely remembering hollering like a rookie at midnight.

New Years shows suck but at least you're getting good coin. If not for the money, there is no need to be in public that night. Fortunately, we weren't in public. We were drinking at a house party with regular people who didn't give a fuck about comedy and it was almost like being a real person, if not a real person who hates fucking New Years.

 

Aside from New Years, I hate getting Christmas presents. I suck at buying them and therefore I don't. So getting one makes me feel like that much more of an asshole. My wife got me Fante. I spent 7 hours shopping and got her a refrigerator magnet and a blow-gun for myself before swearing off gifts altogether.

I met with the AVN folks yesterday for a rehearsal of the awards show. My co-host and favorite porn star Chloe is a fucking riot and probably the only porn actress that wouldn't turn into a burning Hindenburg tragedy on stage.

She was bitching about her back being fucked up.

She said she threw it out fucking the guy from Great White and then aggravated it on New Years Eve banging the bass player from Danzig in a toilet.

I told her maybe she ought to try fucking a musician from this decade. Evidently you could be a guy from NightRanger and still be getting high-end stink.

Sunday
Dec292002

The Audience And The Bible

I spent twenty minutes on the phone between shows tonite at the Funny Farm in Atlanta with someone who'd called to complain about my first show. I happened to be walking by when the booker was laughing and pointing to the phone so I took the call.

Weird how you will argue with an insane person forever, hoping to win.

I'd opened the show reading Corinthians 13:5, or maybe its 5:13, that says you should not associate with drunkards and the sexually immoral, etc. just letting the good Christians folks know that now was the time to leave.

Of course, no one did. Not right away.

About ten minutes in, when they found out I wasn't kidding, they started leaving. And then, between shows, they started calling. The guy that I talked to told me, as he'd told the booker, that I wasn't funny because I had to walk out with a Bible and a newspaper rather than "just making trees funny" or what-have-you.

I argued with him. Laughingly, but I still spent time arguing.

I am no different than the audience I disdain. I get off on being angry. It's a hobby and it's not a hard one but at least I know why I'm angry.

I don't really know the Bible. Enough of the ridiculous parts have been pointed out so that I can get to them to make a point. The parts that condone slavery, rape and death to just about anyone who does anything from cheating to sucking a dick. You don't have to read the entire Warren Report to figure out that the JFK assaination wasn't the way they played it off. The problem is bringing it out in a way that makes people aware of the obvious flaws rather than simply being bombastic and making people double back and clutch to the bullshit they were weened on.

People don't believe in the Bible as a whole work. Most people who say they do have never read it beyond the shit that makes the bumpersticker. But if you push em against a wall, they start crying faith.

I've yet to find the way to make it funny and do it in a way that actually does make people reconsider that nonsense they have taken as fact. Until I do, I'll continue to take calls between shows.

It isn't that I want to make folks pissed off - not that it hurts me when they are - but that it makes me absolutely and uncontrollaby fucking nutty when people can't understand how obvious it is in it's duplicity.

You believe in this nonsense why? Because you sought it out and it struck you as sensible?

Trust me, if I had a vision from Jesus right now - telling me that all that shit is on the up and up - I would buy it. If a green spaceman beamed me up to his ship and told me that we are all clones, I'd start a cult. But that doesn't seem to happen to anyone but inmates and addicts - the ones religion tends to discard first.

Any religious belief without basis is limiting at the expense of the soul. The moments of true spirituality I have had have been awe-striking and better than love or having money on the dog. The times I have spent seeking it have always felt like the most important and rewarding work you can do. To write off those moments with the most applicable scripture passage or to manage all your highs and lows by sitting on your knees and quoting some Biblical passage is lazy and cheating yourself from finding something real and all your own.

You believe? No, you don't. Someone told you that you had to believe and you believed them so you say you believe. But you don't.

I have no reason to believe so I don't. I prefer child-like wonderment. If I believed what you claim to know for fact, I'd make sure to pray and die early. Until then, I'll continue taking calls from bile-spewing rednecks tween shows and arguing until I can't stop laughing.

stanhope

Friday
Dec272002

Merry Christmas And All That

A quick update and then I gotta take a shit.

My regular Alaska holiday trip was cut short because of shit going on in LA but we still got in enough abuse in to call it Christmas. The annual "X"-mas party, although teetering on over-production, is still my favorite place to be in life. You guys make everything worthwhile, mostly by not giving a fuck at all.

Thanks to you, the bored and angry emailing public, I finally got most of my money from that booker in the UK.

 

"X"-mas Party 2002

He's still short about 250 bucks. A lot of people would be satisfied with that after this long. I am not one of those people. No need for you to email him anymore. If he hasn't squared up by the time I go back to Edinburgh, I will title my show "Jon Keyes is a Rat-Fuck, Deadbeat and He Still Owes Me Money."

 I'm almost hoping that he doesn't pay me just for the fun I'd have with the press.

On the other hand, there are people in the world who will send you money for no fucking reason.

Since I've asked for money for no fucking reason, I have brought in a grand total of $51.67. Paul Dekort from Canada sent in 26 dollars yesterday and is now my new best friend.

That's right, you can now buy my friendship right now through PayPal. Just ask my best friend Paul Dekort - that is, until someone outbids his 26 dollars.

I am now in Roswell, GA - in spite of America West's best attempts to keep me from making it here - and am once again lodged at a Motel 6 next to a Waffle House on a freeway off-ramp with nothing to do but contemplate a more extensive update, probably having to do with suicide or quitting comedy.

Keep those calls and letters coming.

stanhope