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My World and Our World

We started work this week on the Man Show, that is, if work means spinning around in your office chair until you're dizzy and eating free Doritos. So if you've emailed me or called and I haven't got back to you, it's because I'm busy spinning in my chair and acting like I belong there. We'll start fliming next week, field pieces. Dunno when we start the in-studio stuff.


I don't know when I start getting paid and for some reason it feels impolite to ask but I know the first thing I'm buying is a hunk of shit car. Everybody buys a new car when they get a TV show. My goal is to get the biggest heap of shit on the lot. I've been searching eBay for an old Chevy Vega wagon or perhaps a Dodge Rampage, the 80's version of the El Camino.

Neither Renee nor Rogan really see the humor in it. I still find it amusing. I'll let you know what I come up with. Any suggestions?

Randy McCleary - the phenom banjo player that played with me in Peoria - found possibly the coolest thing that's ever been given to me, save for herpes. It's a gospel album from the mid-70's by John Ashcroft and Max Bacon. It doesn't have a date but it has to be from 73- 76 because it says that Ashcroft is a Missouri State Auditor and goes on to praise these guys for mixing God and Government. I can't find shit about it on the web. I've googled every key word on it. Nothing. It's gonna be worth a shitload as soon as he starts putting people on trains to death camps.

If anyone can drum up any info on it, let me know.



Hey Floyd J Phillips, the reason I don't call you back is that you never say in your message why you're calling. Unless you're someone that I talk to all the time, that fucking annoys me.

You can reach me on my message board. It seems to be where people go when they have nothing to say.


And on the world front...

Good work, war-heads. For the cost of a few thousand dust-blown lives and a few flat tires, you have now brought democracy - rule by the people - to a place where the large lot of the people still hate you.

I know it's a long shot but now that Iraq has had the gift of democracy thrust upon them, would there be anything funnier than Saddam Hussein winning the first election with 100 percent of the vote?

If I were running for president of Iraq - and I may - the no-brainer path to victory would be a radical anti-US platform. Knowing how easy it is to whip the populace into a frenzy against a common, if not actual, enemy - any semi-pro Hitler fan with a clear speaking voice and a pair of pressed khakis could easily win a landslide just by telling folks that GW is the whole reason they have bad teeth and flimsy shoes.

People are flooding the streets - or at least the streets that have cameramen on them - to kiss the troops with unwashed mouths and you think that's proof that they are ready and waiting to get a BlockBuster card and begin the American Dream. The problem is that whether it's Saddam Hussein or Ross Perot, these people still have a plate full of dick and empty cupboards to go home to and that will always make them martyr-eligible.

You gave them freedom. Freedom to do what? Farm dirt and read the Koran? So now they can do that without the threat of being tortured. That's a good thing, the "no torture" part. But eventually they will get tired of eating tumbleweeds and beating their gargoyle wives and will fall in love with any tyrant who can make them believe their lives are worth something more.

It's like killing an abusive boyfriend only to have the liberated girl hug you for helping her and a week later she has a new guy kicking her across the trailer.

As long as the US is an omnipotent presence in Middle East politics, the US will be the easiest figure - right or wrong - to focus these people's anger towards. Giving them freedom and a dangling chad isn't enough. If you want to stop them from strapping bombs on themselves for the next cult leader, you better give them some shit to play with.

Give em free samples.

B-52's full of Gameboys and skateboards. Jello shots and DVD porn. Disposable cameras, Frankenberry, XM radio, juice boxes, whippets, Elimidate, PT Cruisers and Matt Damon and Free Nights and Weekends until they are as apathetic as we are and their Gods and Leaders are merely name brands. You know once you had call-waiting, you could never live without it.

If you keep the people dumb, you'd better keep em distracted. You put a retard in the same house as guns, you'd better give him a yo-yo or someones gonna make an oops.



If there is one good reason to be against the war in Iraq, it is that it's less fun to watch than Arena Football. Not only is it tedious, it has squeezed out all the other news that I'd waste hours watching.

The war just doesn't have the pinache to merit "round-the clock" coverage, much less leave me hanging on the conclusions to my previously scheduled melo-dramas already in progress.

I need closure, Goddammit.

What about Lizzie Smart? Did she really get married to Weirdie in a crazy secret ceremony? Did he consumate the marriage in the mountain teepee? Will she ever escape from the current religious zealots?

How about the Raelien clone babies? Will Michael Jackson try to clone little Culkins so he never has to live with the heartache of them get old and un-fuckable? And what became of Scott Peterson and his missing wife? Will Great White be playing a Shriners Convention anytime soon?

You started me on this trivial bullshit - make up an ending.

Please give me something other than the war. "Slowly but surely" may be good for the troops but it's sucking the life out of me. The most painful part is watching the bobble-heads trying to constantly make it sound like we are moments away from a revelation or defining turn of events. Like a football game that's a first-half blowout and then you have the Al and Dan in the booth making chit-chat trying to keep you tuned in til the end.

Maybe it's time to bring in some writers to do punch-up work. The war has had some moments but they always drop the ball. Consider the story that they had dolphins spotting mines in the port of Umm Qasr. Not really watchable but it's a great start. Punch it up. How about sending apes with Uzis in Nasiriya, shrieking and firing wildly in all directions. Or shitting pigs air-dropped right into Baghdad? Massive sows with irritable bowels, force-fed and dropped by parachute over the capital, swirling and shitting, shitting and swirling.

Instinctively you would say that would have no military significance but then who would actually try to consider the ramifications? They say the element of surprise is tantamount to victory. Surprise, surprise, a shitting pig just landed on the hood of my Fiat. I think I'll just surrender.

And therein lies all that is wrong with the world and why I'm happy that my lease will be up soon. Because these ideas are why I am considered a comic and not a military genius. One would think I was joking.


One point that I have to make to every Bill O'Reilly in the world that says the war protesters should shut up and support the troops. If you ask any anti-war protester if he or she supports the troops, nearly 100 percent will say yes. So if you - of bombastic right-wing opinion in the media - are truely concerned about the morale of the troops, you would make that quite clear in any mention of protests, aside from your own personal point of view. But you just want to win an argument, to promote your own point of view by painting protesters as "anti-troops". You don't actually give a fuck about the troops. If you did, you would concede - in every mention of anti-war protests - that those protesters support the troops. So that the troops know it. But you don't care about the troops, Bill O'Limbush. You are ego. You are viral.


I've seen a few episodes of Jimmy Kimmel and they have mostly been very admirable train wrecks. I hope it catches on. It may not go smoothely but then again smoothe don't necessarily make funny. I laughed more at the fact that he had Mike Tyson as a co-host than I have ever laughed at Leno ever. Of course, Tyson made the show more uncomfortable than anything but just the balls to try made it worth the hour.


Goin' To War

As the 48 hour deadline crept in on Iraq, Rogan and I were blown out of our nugget on shrooms in the desert. At 5pm - zero hour - we flipped on the local news and laughed for about 8 straight minutes before having to turn it off. Then we went for strip mall sushi, another bad idea. It wasn't until morning that I actually took the time to watch the war and here's my take.

So far, this is the most boring war ever. Sure, it's early yet but they'd better spice this one up quick or not even CNN will keep it on the line-up.

The protesters are the most exciting thing thus far and they aren't anywhere near memorable yet. I kinda wanna go goof on them but I'm allergic to tear gas. I don't have any basis for this but the protesters in general don't seem as knowledged as, say, the anti-globalization cats. Like so many things anymore, they just seem somewhat phony. And another thing that has always bothered me - if you have to protest something, don't block fucking traffic. Fucking assholes. Block City Hall or an Embassy or trash a Mervyn's but get the fuck out of the street. Fucks.

What people refuse to acknowledge is that most people really don't give a fuck about what you're protesting about, incuding this war. Sure, they have an opinion because someone has asked their opinion and they had to make one up but it isn't something that consumes their thoughts otherwise. You ruining their fucking night stopping traffic for two hours when they've humped 9 hours at a death-bed occupation and only want to get home in time for Sex In The City - guess what? Now they have a strong opinion instead of no real opinion and it's the opposite of whatever you are protesting. Because they realize you are a stupid fucking stink-pigeon and anything you hate should be embraced and lightly fingered.

As always, it's like football. People hate the Raiders solely because the Raiders fans are dicks. Even people who don't even like the game hate Raiders fans. That's fine in football. In a protest that's stupid. Stupid fuck.

People assume that I'm anti-war but I'm not, not yet anyway. What I am saying is - there's no draft. They aren't pulling kids out of the inner city and forcing them to fight a ridiculous war. And nobody that is whole-heartedly against war or who would never want to fight a war joins the military.



What is it good for?


Well, it opens up parking spaces, for one. And it let's people who kinda wanna kill other people go out and kill other people who kinda wanna kill people or be killed by other people who kinda wanna kill people.

And those are the people I want to party with the least. No offense, but I tend to get mouthy when I drink.

I say follow your instincts. Go out and kill someone else of a like mind.

If it helps to pretend to be doing it for my freedom, have at it. Heck, you can even say you're doing it to keep my milk from going bad. Whatever it takes. I've had military guys get very chesty with me, reminding me that they are out their to protect my freedom to do what I do and say what I say. Sounds good, but the fact is that the military is there to fight whoever they are told to fight, reasons being none of their business. Should they be told to fight for a cause that is absolute bullshit and they know it, they still have to go fight. In such a case, they are the ones with no freedom of speech and have to hope that people back home are saying and doing something about it. So you need me as much as I need you.

I have yet to feel threatened by Iraq or met anyone who has ever felt threatened by Iraq. I've felt threatened by the police, the IRS, airport security, customs, photo-enforced red lights and John Ashcroft makes me really paranoid. I've felt threatened - even been threatened on several occasions - by the fine men and women of the US Armed Forces. Well, maybe not the women but you get the point.

People who feel threatened by Iraq go to the doctor a lot, too. No, Mrs Brown, it's just a freckle.

I've never so much as suspected Saddam Hussein of prank calling me. Never felt threatened by terrorism, either. Not even after 9/11. Some 3000 people died. More people die choking on meat and I don't worry about that either. That shouldn't stop anyone from starting a war, though. I'm not anti-war because I'm not playing. I'm not pro-war for the same reason. Not in the game, myself. I'd be pro-war if I could bet on it, if there were a Vegas line, being football is out of season and all. I'll still watch a war if it's on tv and it's a good one but this one isn't even a good one. It's a repeat of a mismatch. Try a little showboating. A little razzle-dazzle.

Still, it's hard not to get into the pre-fight hype. It's like a Don King event with dirty fighters. It's not gonna be much of a fight, per se, but you still gotta watch in case any weird shit goes down.

Saddam is prepared to use chemical weapons against ground troops, they tell us with indignation. Ground troops are prepared to kill Saddam Hussein, but he's the asshole for fighting dirty? It's a war, faggot. And he sucks at it. If you were prepared to kill me, I'd use whatever weapon I could find - chemical weapon, nuclear weapon, broken broomstick, nut punch, dog shit in a wrist-rocket, girlie eye-gouge, fake seizure, Lysol can and a Bic lighter - whatever it takes.

They talk shit about terrorism being dirty pool but I think it's just as fucked up or more that we have rules for war. You can hit him in the face with the garden rake, no problem, but whip out the mace - that's against the Geneva Convention and we get a penalty kick. If it has rules then it's a game. If it's a game, you should be able to put money on it. Gimme a Vegas line. No straight wagers - not on this one - but some proposition bets. An over/under. Something to keep it interesting.

I'd love to be truely anti-war or pro-war or have any strong opinion, for that matter, that I can't find the downside. You say that these people will now be free of an evil dictator and I think that's wonderful but at the same time I think that most of those people want a dictator and will always be yanked off that you took theirs away. Most people are happy as pigs in dumpsters being told what to do and will defend the person telling them what to do, no matter how much of a shithead that person may be.

In North Korea people don't even have toilet paper but they started out with no toilet paper while being told by their leaders how wonderful it was to live in a country unspoiled by western evils such as toilet paper. They believe it whole-heartedly because they don't have any comparison. They didn't go from SUVs and endless bowls of AppleJacks to wiping their ass on their shirtsleeves. That's just how it is and they go along with it.

I'd love to swell with hometown pride or love of humanity but most everyone I know is an asshole. Assholes don't have borders. So I battle between realism and idealism and either side can prevail depending on my blood/alcohol content and mood in general and, in the meantime, watch what looks like a really boring war. Our own dumb-downed Vietnam without the draft or camera man right in the thick of it. Protesters being drug off by police in riot gear but no overt drug use and rampant fucking in the streets. All the ingedients of our generation's defining moment with all the good parts sucked out.