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TOUR DATES

 

September 27

Plaza Hotel & Casino
Las Vegas, NV

 

October 8

El Paso Comic Strip Comedy Club
El Paso, TX

 

October 9

Launchpad
Albuquerque, NM

 

October 10

GoldenLight Cantina
Amarillo, TX

 

October 13

Outland Ballroom
Springfield, MO

 

October 14

Deja Vu Comedy Club
Columbia, MO

 

October 15

Jukebox Comedy Club
Peoria, IL

 

October 16

Rock Island Brewing Company
Rock Island, IL

 

October 17

Reggie's Live
Chicago, IL

 

October 18

Reggie's Live
Chicago, IL

 

October 20

Dr. Grins @ The BOB
Grand Rapids, MI

 

October 21

Pittsburgh Improv
Pittsburgh, PA

 

October 22

Snickerz Comedy Club
Fort Wayne, IN

 

October 23

Cleveland Improv
Cleveland OH

 

October 24

The Machine Shop
Flint, MI

 

October 25

The Token Lounge
Detroit, MI

 

November 11

The Greek Club
Brisbane, AU

 

November 12

Venue TBA
Canberra, AU

 

November 14

UNSW Roundhouse
Sydney, AU

 

November 16

Capri Theatre
Adelaide, AU

 

November 18

Fly By Night Club
Perth, AU

 

November 22

Dallas Brooks Centre
Melbourne, AU

 

Tuesday
Apr012003

Tell Me SOMETHING

If there is one good reason to be against the war in Iraq, it is that it's less fun to watch than Arena Football. Not only is it tedious, it has squeezed out all the other news that I'd waste hours watching.

The war just doesn't have the pinache to merit "round-the clock" coverage, much less leave me hanging on the conclusions to my previously scheduled melo-dramas already in progress.

I need closure, Goddammit.

What about Lizzie Smart? Did she really get married to Weirdie in a crazy secret ceremony? Did he consumate the marriage in the mountain teepee? Will she ever escape from the current religious zealots?

How about the Raelien clone babies? Will Michael Jackson try to clone little Culkins so he never has to live with the heartache of them get old and un-fuckable? And what became of Scott Peterson and his missing wife? Will Great White be playing a Shriners Convention anytime soon?

You started me on this trivial bullshit - make up an ending.

Please give me something other than the war. "Slowly but surely" may be good for the troops but it's sucking the life out of me. The most painful part is watching the bobble-heads trying to constantly make it sound like we are moments away from a revelation or defining turn of events. Like a football game that's a first-half blowout and then you have the Al and Dan in the booth making chit-chat trying to keep you tuned in til the end.

Maybe it's time to bring in some writers to do punch-up work. The war has had some moments but they always drop the ball. Consider the story that they had dolphins spotting mines in the port of Umm Qasr. Not really watchable but it's a great start. Punch it up. How about sending apes with Uzis in Nasiriya, shrieking and firing wildly in all directions. Or shitting pigs air-dropped right into Baghdad? Massive sows with irritable bowels, force-fed and dropped by parachute over the capital, swirling and shitting, shitting and swirling.

Instinctively you would say that would have no military significance but then who would actually try to consider the ramifications? They say the element of surprise is tantamount to victory. Surprise, surprise, a shitting pig just landed on the hood of my Fiat. I think I'll just surrender.

And therein lies all that is wrong with the world and why I'm happy that my lease will be up soon. Because these ideas are why I am considered a comic and not a military genius. One would think I was joking.

#####################################################################

One point that I have to make to every Bill O'Reilly in the world that says the war protesters should shut up and support the troops. If you ask any anti-war protester if he or she supports the troops, nearly 100 percent will say yes. So if you - of bombastic right-wing opinion in the media - are truely concerned about the morale of the troops, you would make that quite clear in any mention of protests, aside from your own personal point of view. But you just want to win an argument, to promote your own point of view by painting protesters as "anti-troops". You don't actually give a fuck about the troops. If you did, you would concede - in every mention of anti-war protests - that those protesters support the troops. So that the troops know it. But you don't care about the troops, Bill O'Limbush. You are ego. You are viral.

#####################################################################

I've seen a few episodes of Jimmy Kimmel and they have mostly been very admirable train wrecks. I hope it catches on. It may not go smoothely but then again smoothe don't necessarily make funny. I laughed more at the fact that he had Mike Tyson as a co-host than I have ever laughed at Leno ever. Of course, Tyson made the show more uncomfortable than anything but just the balls to try made it worth the hour.

Thursday
Mar202003

Goin' To War

As the 48 hour deadline crept in on Iraq, Rogan and I were blown out of our nugget on shrooms in the desert. At 5pm - zero hour - we flipped on the local news and laughed for about 8 straight minutes before having to turn it off. Then we went for strip mall sushi, another bad idea. It wasn't until morning that I actually took the time to watch the war and here's my take.

So far, this is the most boring war ever. Sure, it's early yet but they'd better spice this one up quick or not even CNN will keep it on the line-up.

The protesters are the most exciting thing thus far and they aren't anywhere near memorable yet. I kinda wanna go goof on them but I'm allergic to tear gas. I don't have any basis for this but the protesters in general don't seem as knowledged as, say, the anti-globalization cats. Like so many things anymore, they just seem somewhat phony. And another thing that has always bothered me - if you have to protest something, don't block fucking traffic. Fucking assholes. Block City Hall or an Embassy or trash a Mervyn's but get the fuck out of the street. Fucks.

What people refuse to acknowledge is that most people really don't give a fuck about what you're protesting about, incuding this war. Sure, they have an opinion because someone has asked their opinion and they had to make one up but it isn't something that consumes their thoughts otherwise. You ruining their fucking night stopping traffic for two hours when they've humped 9 hours at a death-bed occupation and only want to get home in time for Sex In The City - guess what? Now they have a strong opinion instead of no real opinion and it's the opposite of whatever you are protesting. Because they realize you are a stupid fucking stink-pigeon and anything you hate should be embraced and lightly fingered.

As always, it's like football. People hate the Raiders solely because the Raiders fans are dicks. Even people who don't even like the game hate Raiders fans. That's fine in football. In a protest that's stupid. Stupid fuck.

People assume that I'm anti-war but I'm not, not yet anyway. What I am saying is - there's no draft. They aren't pulling kids out of the inner city and forcing them to fight a ridiculous war. And nobody that is whole-heartedly against war or who would never want to fight a war joins the military.

 

War!

What is it good for?

 

Well, it opens up parking spaces, for one. And it let's people who kinda wanna kill other people go out and kill other people who kinda wanna kill people or be killed by other people who kinda wanna kill people.

And those are the people I want to party with the least. No offense, but I tend to get mouthy when I drink.

I say follow your instincts. Go out and kill someone else of a like mind.

If it helps to pretend to be doing it for my freedom, have at it. Heck, you can even say you're doing it to keep my milk from going bad. Whatever it takes. I've had military guys get very chesty with me, reminding me that they are out their to protect my freedom to do what I do and say what I say. Sounds good, but the fact is that the military is there to fight whoever they are told to fight, reasons being none of their business. Should they be told to fight for a cause that is absolute bullshit and they know it, they still have to go fight. In such a case, they are the ones with no freedom of speech and have to hope that people back home are saying and doing something about it. So you need me as much as I need you.

I have yet to feel threatened by Iraq or met anyone who has ever felt threatened by Iraq. I've felt threatened by the police, the IRS, airport security, customs, photo-enforced red lights and John Ashcroft makes me really paranoid. I've felt threatened - even been threatened on several occasions - by the fine men and women of the US Armed Forces. Well, maybe not the women but you get the point.

People who feel threatened by Iraq go to the doctor a lot, too. No, Mrs Brown, it's just a freckle.

I've never so much as suspected Saddam Hussein of prank calling me. Never felt threatened by terrorism, either. Not even after 9/11. Some 3000 people died. More people die choking on meat and I don't worry about that either. That shouldn't stop anyone from starting a war, though. I'm not anti-war because I'm not playing. I'm not pro-war for the same reason. Not in the game, myself. I'd be pro-war if I could bet on it, if there were a Vegas line, being football is out of season and all. I'll still watch a war if it's on tv and it's a good one but this one isn't even a good one. It's a repeat of a mismatch. Try a little showboating. A little razzle-dazzle.

Still, it's hard not to get into the pre-fight hype. It's like a Don King event with dirty fighters. It's not gonna be much of a fight, per se, but you still gotta watch in case any weird shit goes down.

Saddam is prepared to use chemical weapons against ground troops, they tell us with indignation. Ground troops are prepared to kill Saddam Hussein, but he's the asshole for fighting dirty? It's a war, faggot. And he sucks at it. If you were prepared to kill me, I'd use whatever weapon I could find - chemical weapon, nuclear weapon, broken broomstick, nut punch, dog shit in a wrist-rocket, girlie eye-gouge, fake seizure, Lysol can and a Bic lighter - whatever it takes.

They talk shit about terrorism being dirty pool but I think it's just as fucked up or more that we have rules for war. You can hit him in the face with the garden rake, no problem, but whip out the mace - that's against the Geneva Convention and we get a penalty kick. If it has rules then it's a game. If it's a game, you should be able to put money on it. Gimme a Vegas line. No straight wagers - not on this one - but some proposition bets. An over/under. Something to keep it interesting.

I'd love to be truely anti-war or pro-war or have any strong opinion, for that matter, that I can't find the downside. You say that these people will now be free of an evil dictator and I think that's wonderful but at the same time I think that most of those people want a dictator and will always be yanked off that you took theirs away. Most people are happy as pigs in dumpsters being told what to do and will defend the person telling them what to do, no matter how much of a shithead that person may be.

In North Korea people don't even have toilet paper but they started out with no toilet paper while being told by their leaders how wonderful it was to live in a country unspoiled by western evils such as toilet paper. They believe it whole-heartedly because they don't have any comparison. They didn't go from SUVs and endless bowls of AppleJacks to wiping their ass on their shirtsleeves. That's just how it is and they go along with it.

I'd love to swell with hometown pride or love of humanity but most everyone I know is an asshole. Assholes don't have borders. So I battle between realism and idealism and either side can prevail depending on my blood/alcohol content and mood in general and, in the meantime, watch what looks like a really boring war. Our own dumb-downed Vietnam without the draft or camera man right in the thick of it. Protesters being drug off by police in riot gear but no overt drug use and rampant fucking in the streets. All the ingedients of our generation's defining moment with all the good parts sucked out.

stanhope

Friday
Mar142003

Welcome Home, Lizzie

After two days of watching Ed Smart on the news, I am now convinced that Elizabeth disappeared willingly in order to avoid the inevitable day that she came home to find her father being savagely raped by a man he paid to dress up like a Hell's Angel.

In fact, I now believe that's what all of these handymen were doing at the Smart house. They sure seemed to hire a lot of drifters with pocket money to do odd jobs. It was said in the LA Times that Mrs Smart had met this Brian Mitchell on the street, given him 5 dollars and hired him to work on their roof. Sure, you meet a guy dressed in a robe and a bakers hat, looking like a Jewish Bigfoot(find a pic and put it up here if you have time), slap a fin and your home address in his hand and tell him to bring his own shingles.

 

Fat chance.

 

I think Mom Smart was procuring street riff-raff to come home and take septic dumps on her husband and kick him around in his diaper in the garage until the kids came home.

"Who's that, Daddy?"

"Uh... that was the roofer." he'd say, rushing in wearing a blanket and a disposable shower cap, wiping sweat from his brow.

"What's that smell?"

Uh... there was a skunk in the garage?" he'd answer, using his body to sheild the doorway where Mom furiously scrubbed excrement from the cement floor.

Now you wonder when Elizabeth says she could hear people searching for her but couldn't respond.

When I first heard that she was alive, bitterness actually left me for a moment. I found myself having feelings that could almost be described as positive. But thanks to CNN, I can always find bitterness, day or night, just a click of a button away.

Right there in front of 1,000 cameras and obvious questions, Ed Smart was railing on the powers that be in Washington to pass Amber Alert legislation. Fuck the war, says Ed, a handful of children go missing every year! And Jesus doesn't love them as much as he loves our family so we need the governments help, too!

Amber Alert. Good idea, I'm sure. So pay for it. You cunt. Spend your time in front of the cameras drumming up private funding, you cunt. I'm sure there's enough parents out there equally concerned and finacially endowed as yourself. Then there are the rest of us who don't have kids and don't really want to cough up more dough to protect yours.

I don't neccessarily see where she's better off in that home than in a homeless guys teepee, except that she's obviously going to be hot and we all know how girls that get force-fed religion turn out - especially that low-competency Mormon shit. Keep pounding that into her head, Ed, and I'll be looking for her mouthing Snoop Dogg's garbage bag on "Girls Gone Wild" in about three years.

In the meantime, I pray to the same God I use in roulette that you don't get John Walsh Syndrome, where you get such an unquenchable thirst for media attention that you milk a personal ordeal flat just to feed your newborn ego. Remember, people have watched you cry for the last nine months, not because they value your opinion but because your tragedy - and now your incredible good fortune - are really entertaining. And while you thought you were touching America's heart strings, most of us were wondering how long before you dump the family man act, put on a girdle and go suck a dick.

 

Welcome home, Lizzie.