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TOUR DATES

 

August 15

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 16

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 17

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 21

Comedy Store
Los Angeles, CA

 

August 22

Comedy Store
Los Angeles, CA

 

August 27

Cobb's Comedy Club
San Francisco, CA

 

August 28

Cobb's Comedy Club
San Francisco, CA

 

September 12

The Trocadero
Philadelphia, PA

 

September 13

State Theatre
Falls Church, VA

 

September 18

San Jose Improv
San Jose, CA

 

September 19

The Mohawk
Austin, TX

 

September 27

Plaza Hotel & Casino
Las Vegas, NV

 

November 14

UNSW Roundhouse
Sydney, AU

 

Wednesday
May072003

For The New Guys

Since a lot of you are new to this site because of the Man Show - and since I have nothing good to update you on since I've been doing nothing but working on the Man Show, here's what to do.

Buy my fucking CD's.

Sign the mailing list so I can let you know when I'll be playing near you.

Read the archives, prank letters and the baiting stuff. Catch up with everyone else.

Then go to the message board and be a dick.

Scroll down for the latest audio clips. Ignore the horrible old naked woman. I know it tends to queer people away.

Or, if nothing else, you can buy my friendship via Paypal.

Top of Form

 

Bottom of Form

Right now it only costs 27 dollars to be my best friend, although any amount will qualify you as my friend. Ameen Behlbari (or some such ridiculous name that I cant remember) is my worst friend with an amount less than a dollar, but he is now a friend none the less.

Best friend perks include a phone call if you inform me a close relative has died (must have proof, limit one family member) and a postcard from somewhere that I'm having more fun than you. Also, you will be required to put me up if I'm ever in your shitty town. Your best friend status can be revoked by a higher bid at anytime.

In the meantime, I will be in my office, trying to score free shit from companies that want me to use their shit on my show. A bunch of Converse All-Stars are on the way as I wait for word back from Phillip Morris and Miller Lite.

I'll have to wait for the show to air before I can begin work on "Celebrity Gloryhole" but I'm cashing in where I can.

Honey's birthday is Next Thursday, May 15th so send gifts to her - (sign my name on the card)

                                   Doug Stanhope's Wife

                                    363 1/2  Rose  Ave

                                   Venice, CA   90291

If I can think of anything else you can do for me or give me or score for me, I'll let you know. Or if you have any ideas of things you can give me, send them in along with the 4 dollar service charge for considering your idea.

                                                                                                    ~stanhope, not selling out.

Monday
May052003

Redacting

For legal reasons, the fine folks at Comedy Central have asked me to remove pictures of said Juggie-auditioners from this site.

In their absence, I have replaced them with these pictures of the graceful female body stolen from elsewhere on the internet.

Stanhope    ~Not toning it down for anyone (except the people with the paycheck).

 NOT The Juggie Auditions

 


Friday
Apr112003

My World and Our World

We started work this week on the Man Show, that is, if work means spinning around in your office chair until you're dizzy and eating free Doritos. So if you've emailed me or called and I haven't got back to you, it's because I'm busy spinning in my chair and acting like I belong there. We'll start fliming next week, field pieces. Dunno when we start the in-studio stuff.

 

I don't know when I start getting paid and for some reason it feels impolite to ask but I know the first thing I'm buying is a hunk of shit car. Everybody buys a new car when they get a TV show. My goal is to get the biggest heap of shit on the lot. I've been searching eBay for an old Chevy Vega wagon or perhaps a Dodge Rampage, the 80's version of the El Camino.

Neither Renee nor Rogan really see the humor in it. I still find it amusing. I'll let you know what I come up with. Any suggestions?

Randy McCleary - the phenom banjo player that played with me in Peoria - found possibly the coolest thing that's ever been given to me, save for herpes. It's a gospel album from the mid-70's by John Ashcroft and Max Bacon. It doesn't have a date but it has to be from 73- 76 because it says that Ashcroft is a Missouri State Auditor and goes on to praise these guys for mixing God and Government. I can't find shit about it on the web. I've googled every key word on it. Nothing. It's gonna be worth a shitload as soon as he starts putting people on trains to death camps.

If anyone can drum up any info on it, let me know.

 

#####################################################################

Hey Floyd J Phillips, the reason I don't call you back is that you never say in your message why you're calling. Unless you're someone that I talk to all the time, that fucking annoys me.

You can reach me on my message board. It seems to be where people go when they have nothing to say.

#####################################################################

And on the world front...

Good work, war-heads. For the cost of a few thousand dust-blown lives and a few flat tires, you have now brought democracy - rule by the people - to a place where the large lot of the people still hate you.

I know it's a long shot but now that Iraq has had the gift of democracy thrust upon them, would there be anything funnier than Saddam Hussein winning the first election with 100 percent of the vote?

If I were running for president of Iraq - and I may - the no-brainer path to victory would be a radical anti-US platform. Knowing how easy it is to whip the populace into a frenzy against a common, if not actual, enemy - any semi-pro Hitler fan with a clear speaking voice and a pair of pressed khakis could easily win a landslide just by telling folks that GW is the whole reason they have bad teeth and flimsy shoes.

People are flooding the streets - or at least the streets that have cameramen on them - to kiss the troops with unwashed mouths and you think that's proof that they are ready and waiting to get a BlockBuster card and begin the American Dream. The problem is that whether it's Saddam Hussein or Ross Perot, these people still have a plate full of dick and empty cupboards to go home to and that will always make them martyr-eligible.

You gave them freedom. Freedom to do what? Farm dirt and read the Koran? So now they can do that without the threat of being tortured. That's a good thing, the "no torture" part. But eventually they will get tired of eating tumbleweeds and beating their gargoyle wives and will fall in love with any tyrant who can make them believe their lives are worth something more.

It's like killing an abusive boyfriend only to have the liberated girl hug you for helping her and a week later she has a new guy kicking her across the trailer.

As long as the US is an omnipotent presence in Middle East politics, the US will be the easiest figure - right or wrong - to focus these people's anger towards. Giving them freedom and a dangling chad isn't enough. If you want to stop them from strapping bombs on themselves for the next cult leader, you better give them some shit to play with.

Give em free samples.

B-52's full of Gameboys and skateboards. Jello shots and DVD porn. Disposable cameras, Frankenberry, XM radio, juice boxes, whippets, Elimidate, PT Cruisers and Matt Damon and Free Nights and Weekends until they are as apathetic as we are and their Gods and Leaders are merely name brands. You know once you had call-waiting, you could never live without it.

If you keep the people dumb, you'd better keep em distracted. You put a retard in the same house as guns, you'd better give him a yo-yo or someones gonna make an oops.