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September 27

Plaza Hotel & Casino
Las Vegas, NV


October 8

El Paso Comic Strip Comedy Club
El Paso, TX


October 9

Albuquerque, NM


October 10

GoldenLight Cantina
Amarillo, TX


October 13

Outland Ballroom
Springfield, MO


October 14

Deja Vu Comedy Club
Columbia, MO


October 15

Jukebox Comedy Club
Peoria, IL


October 16

Rock Island Brewing Company
Rock Island, IL


October 17

Reggie's Live
Chicago, IL


October 18

Reggie's Live
Chicago, IL


October 20

Dr. Grins @ The BOB
Grand Rapids, MI


October 21

Pittsburgh Improv
Pittsburgh, PA


October 22

Snickerz Comedy Club
Fort Wayne, IN


October 23

Cleveland Improv
Cleveland OH


October 24

The Machine Shop
Flint, MI


October 25

The Token Lounge
Detroit, MI


November 11

The Greek Club
Brisbane, AU


November 12

Venue TBA
Canberra, AU


November 14

UNSW Roundhouse
Sydney, AU


November 16

Capri Theatre
Adelaide, AU


November 18

Fly By Night Club
Perth, AU


November 22

Dallas Brooks Centre
Melbourne, AU



Why I do It


If you wonder why I still do this shit for a living, I'll show you one of the latest emails I got that makes me know I'm attracting the right people.

Date: Thu, 18 Nov 2010 02:40:27 -0700
Subject: will see you at Scottsdale show
From: ***********@********

Hey Doug,

Since I find you entertaining I feel like writing in hopes of entertaining you. I'm coming out to see you in Scottsdale next month. Hubby and I live in NM and we'll be driving our RV. It looks funky so I've attached a picture.

I'm a sex worker and for your show last year in Denver I dressed up a sissy in lingerie to pay for the trip. This time around I pissed in an old man's mouth to fund the RV to come to AZ. It seems appropriate to come see your act.



I've been trying to use local openers on the road when I can so please feel free to direct my attention to decent up-n-comers in places I'm playing. I'm looking for the weird guy at the local shows that the comics run in to watch but the comedy clubs seem to ignore. I could just look at people's shit online but generally the guy that is really dark-odd-vulgar funny doesn't have shit online and has to take a bus to the gig. Obviously when I ask online about new funny people in whatever town I'm going, people are quick to cough up their own name - understandably - but tell me about the guy who stares at his feet at the open mics but has all the shit that makes the comics laugh. I don't have to have an opener but I love watching those guys and it doesn't matter to me if they kill or eat shit.

I've found Junior Stopka in Chicago via comedians word of mouth as well as Warren B Hall in Indy and Steve Poggi in STL. All were really funny with really fucked stories. Keep sending me names or links - but not your own. If you're that guy - someone will speak up for you.





"This reminds me of the reason I went into rehab."

Those were the last words Greg Giraldo said to me.

It was in July of 2008 after I'd been removed from the green room of a show at the Montreal Comedy Festival. I'd had an argument with the cunty little man that ran the event - or, rather, he had an argument with me and I calmly - if drunkenly - stood my ground that essentially he treated comics like migrant lettuce pickers. Becoming increasingly frustrated at missing on all points, he had a large Negro physically remove me.

Hey, he started it. I was just having cocktails backstage with Ron White. And you will never appear correct in an argument if you are the drunk one. 2 plus 2 equals nothing if you're saying 4 with a tilt and a slur.

By the time I ran into Giraldo and a couple other comics on the street, I was a stumbling wreck; one of those drunks that hits too quick and affects all of your motor skills while leaving your brain
intact, a cerebral palsy-type of hammered or the "Muhammad Ali" if you will.

My story about being ejected from the venue came out of the corner of my mouth like stammering drool and that's when Greg made his rehab remark. I was a bit insulted as drunks tend to be when their point is over-looked because of their staggering.

And I was quite relieved when someone emailed not long afterwards that they'd seen Greg perform so shit-faced that he barely made sentences. It's nice to know that you aren't the only comedian left with a cocktail in your hand.

Prescription drugs are also a constant for me and it's bothersome when people die from them because you are never given the specific doses or combinations involved and that is information that can really be useful to other users. A heroin overdose tells you nothing since the potency or purity of the heroin can vary wildly. Prescription drugs aren't cut with baby laxative. You know exactly what strength you are taking so you can regulate with far more accuracy.

I first took Xanax at an ecstasy party in Alaska somewhere in the late 1990s. We were all coming down and someone gave me a blue (1mg) and told me it would help me sleep. Shortly afterwards, somebody else gave me another making it a full bar of Xanax where .5 mg would have been plenty.

Long story short, I pissed the couch I was sleeping on and woke up convinced (for a short time) that someone had pissed on me in my sleep. Those were the kind of friends I did drugs with - that'd  be the kind of thing they might do.

But since then I've taken Xanax more and more, occasionally at first and then regularly to sleep. I have a prescription for flight anxiety. I didn't tell my doctor that a lot of that fear comes in the form of flying in my dreams which is far scarier because you have no airplane when you fly in your dreams, just your body sailing through the air giving the finger to an angry mob of violent assholes chasing you on the ground. My regular flight anxiety as involved with traveling is mostly the fear of having some dullard next to me try to strike up conversation. Xanax and ear plugs work for that as well.

I also have a prescription for Ambien which I use less often and which can be dangerous when mixed with alcohol in that you can do really weird shit and not remember any of it. I can give you countless stories that I've heard from other people - taking it with a few whiskeys on his couch and waking up on someones lawn in a strange neighborhood - but I can't tell you stories of my own because I wouldn't remember them.

Once I took an Ambien (6.25 mg I believe) at home when my manager was at the house and I thought that I was relatively sober and went to bed. But not long after, I got back out of bed and had long business conversations with Brian who said that I was completely lucid and alert and was dumb-struck when I told him that I had no recollection of it whatsoever.

Scary - but not "die in your sleep" scary.

That's why it would nice to know what kind of pills, dosages and
combination you scrip-heads are taking generally and what mixture killed you.

Right now I rotate between Xanax ( usually 1mg, never more than 2), Ambien (6.25 mg - I don't think I've ever taken more than one) and the hugely under-rated over-the-counter nighttime sleep aid (2 pills.) I only take this shit to sleep and that supermarket stuff knocks your dick into your sleep-number bed as good as any of em. I've combined in small does - say .5 mg Xanax with an OTC or an Ambien but nothing risky.

I'll add that this is always with some amount of alcohol, from a couple drinks to a shitload. So add that into the equation and play at your own risk.

I also do a very occasional bump of coke (usually in Florida or Texas where it seems to be saturated) or ecstasy (usually in Florida or Alaska or Texas where it seems to be rampant) and sometimes acid or mushrooms if I have days off and a safe and comfortable environment.

But I don't do a lot of (illegal) drugs. It might seem like I do
because I talk about drug use a lot. If I do some coke before a show, I will invariably say that I've done coke so people will understand why I might be somewhat more erratic in my train of thought - the same as a singer might explain that they've been fighting a cold so the crowd understands why they are avoiding high notes. I also thinks it's important in that it shows that the majority of people can use drugs socially and recreationally without becoming raving addicts and lunatics.

Prescription drugs are a different animal and an openness about how people are using them would make them a hell of a lot safer for the people who use them for reasons other than prescribed. If you tell me you drank three shots of Jager and four pints of Guinness, I have a good idea how drunk you are. If you tell me you took three Klonopin and four Oxycodone, I have no idea if you'll sleep like a princess or die in your own sick.

Greg Giraldo was - as someone pointed out to me on Facebook - smarter and funnier than I'll ever be. I didn't know him well but I was a huge fan.

The last time we spoke he said I looked like the reason he went to rehab. The last thing I would have said to him would have been "Just take two of these. Two of these things is more than plenty."

The worst he'd have done is pissed the couch.



Contemplating My Navel


Los Angeles is one of the few times that I'm glad to be back in comedy clubs. Although we've done well financially there doing alternative venues, it usually turned out to be at your expense. We get the door, they get the bar and you get the standing-room placed in front of the seated people so you can stare at a fat man's ass while you try to listen.

But you tolerating all that gave us the ability to cut the same deals with clubs where you can actually get seats and cheap parking. So thanks for that. And tip your waitstaff, etc.
Irvine Improv is Wednesday, Sept 22nd and the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club is Thursday and Friday. I'm trying to pull Sean Rouse out of hiding for the LA shows but it's never a sure thing with Seanny. Saturday is at Winston's in Ocean Beach - it isn't a comedy club and it's one of my favorite places to play but it's small and might already be sold out.

Try eBay.

Or we can trade out.

Here's my point.

This belly-button thing has sincerely become a problem. I know it's sounds strange having such a silly sounding thing as a "belly-button" causing me this much horrific anxiety but it's getting pretty bad.

The medical terminology is "umbilical hernia."

The fact is that it is your intestines pushing through your navel.

And that's pretty gross. I was going to add a picture but I don't have that thingy that attaches the camera to the laptop but i found one that looks just like mine - gut n all - on Google images.

I've never been able to feel my intestines before without going
directly through my asshole. Going through the gut bypasses your prostate altogether, making it not just uneventful but awful and yet another reason to kill yourself.

My navel has always stuck out a bit. An "out-y" or however you'd spell it - a word that makes "belly-button" seem coarse. It would always get red first when I was out in the sun and today it glows like a giant clown nose on my beer gut. Not long ago I showed it to my friends in Bisbee at a weekly poker game - I don't always know what to say in mixed company so the obvious default is to show your most disgusting body part - and someone suggested it was an umbilical hernia.

So when I went to the doctor to refill my prescriptions, as an aside I lifted my shirt and asked if it was indeed a hernia or simply an out-y. He said it was definitely herniated, and that I could get surgery but that if it didn't bother me, I shouldn't worry about it.



No, it doesn't bother me. It bothers other people when they are trying to play poker or make eye contact at the pool when my shirt is off but it doesn't bother me.

This was the same doctor who prescribed Rid to our friend Father Luke to get rid of scabies. Rid is an over the counter medication but, Luke didn't know that until he handed in a scrip from a doctor at the pharmacy. That is like writing a prescription for soap. But he gives me the pills for my "flight anxiety" so why question him.

My friend Nurse Betty (still known as Mayor Betty in some underground circles) saw it again last night.

I told her that the doc said I shouldn't worry about it. Then Betty
went on to inform me of all the possible doomsday scenarios involved with belly-button problems - it could prolapse or pinch off, etc etc but the one word that she said that disturbs me every minute since is "necrotizing."

That can lead to death, she said, but death doesn't bother me.

"Necrotizing" bothers me enough that I would consider surgery,
something I said I'd rather die than have on even the most minor

I am a comedian which means, of course that I don't have health
insurance. And I don't know how to go about getting surgery as a walk-in nor do I know if some states are cheaper than others when it comes to surgery so I can schedule it around a road gig.

So long story short, I will trade you your choice of two tickets to
any show or a signed DVD and CD - in return for surgery to repair an umbilical hernia (or "belly-button ow-ee") and I'll throw in a "Fuck the Yankees" jersey as the cherry on top, so long as you wear a large as that's all I have left in the crawl space.

Email me at if you are a surgeon that has a CD player and some free time. This is really fucking with my head.

In the meantime, get your tickets to the show.


Thanks to Dag Soras - not only for being a hilarious working with me in London - but for giving me the book "Everyday Drinking" by Kingsley Amis. It inspired me to bring my drink in from the hotel pool and write for a minute.


Other thanks from Canada to Oregon/Washington to London are overdue and I probably won't get to them but you know who you are and I love you all.