A Brief History About My Dick In Public

When I was about 10 we lived in the small upperclass town of Paxton, MA. We lived right in the center of town and one night when my brother and I were home alone, I rode my bike aroud the town square wearing only my bathrobe, open and blowing in the wind behind me. I then stood on the corner in front of the house and flashed passing cars.

A short while later the police came to the door under the impression that an adult had been the one reported. He left after finding out I was only ten, but I still got in trouble later. My mother was always caught between trying to get me to behave and thinking I was really fucking funny.

Soon after we moved back to Worcester, where in the more blue collar environment, I was again veiwed as a class clown rather than a terribly disturbed child. Regardless, my dick stayed out of the public eye for years.

The first time I was naked on stage was in Austin, TX on Valentines Day 1998. It was the third show on a Saturday called the "Midnight Blue Show" where all of the local comics can go up and clean out their notebooks of all the filth they could never do in their regulars shows. The crowd had already sat through my entire second show and now through six or seven more acts doing their finest vulgarity and now I was due up again. With nothing left in my act to top it, I just went up naked and started doing bad, hackneyed airline jokes until the manager rushed the stage and threw my overcoat over me.

When the booking agent heard about it he cancelled an upcoming week in San Antonio ‘on principle”. I still defend my actions as appropriate at the time.

A few months later at the Montreal Comedy Festival, the Danger Zone show had a naked poet going on stage and were looking for someone to follow him with another genre of naked reading. The same booking agent who’d fired me previously recommended me for the job. One day it’s a pink slip, the next day it’s art. I obliged and went on to read a paragraph from a Charles Bukowski story in which he describes the difficulties in trying to suck your own dick. Upon finishing the story I lay on my back with my knees at my ears and tried to suck my own cock while Spoonman came out and sang a brief song in the buff. I still couldn’t get a deal.

After that my exhibitionism spiraled out of control, off stage if not on, until I finally had to keep it on a “by request only” basis. My mother still thinks I’m really fucking funny.