Dear Zyban,

I’ve been a smoker for nearly twenty years, smoking upwards of three packs of non-filtered cigarettes each and every day. I knew it was time to quit a few years back when it really started to hinder my ability to ski, my favorite pasttime. I’d tried everything without success until about two weeks ago when a friend reccomended your product. I took it as directed and the I’ve just begun to notice small changes.

Here’s my quandry. Your product effects the part of the brain that controls addiction. My problem is that I am also a legendary heroin addict and have no desire to stop or even slow down for that matter. In fact, I can’t imagine why the whole world, from children to senior citizens, aren’t loading up the spike while I type this. As badly as I want to quit smoking, I would be horrified to think that your product will take away my thirst for junk. Smoking, sure. It wears you down and kills without even any euphoria as a payoff. But you break off some Grade A skag into a huka or even straight in your neck, well nothing else in the world matters. Not laundry day, not election fraud, not even the crying baby on the couch. And don’t even get me started on the beautiful art that it helps you create.

I would assume that if this product were capable, even in the slightest way, of harming my love affair with horse that there would be some kind of warning on the side of the box. In the meantime, a note from you to verify that would help me sleep easier, even easier than I do anyway with a bloodstream full of dreamy toxic love.

 

Graciously,
Doug Stanhope

PS - I am also a fledgling sexual predator and would like a heads-up if that is going to be in anyway but on a back burner due to your product.


 

Dear Mr. Stanhope:

Thank you for your inquiry. Since we have not conducted studies using Zyban® (bupropion hydrochloride) with heroin, we have no information to give you. Further questions about your treatment should be directed to the physician, pharmacist, or healthcare provider who has the most complete information about your medical condition. We encourage you to seek his or her advice.

Again, thank you for your inquiry to Glaxo Wellcome. If you should have further questions concerning our company or our products, please feel free to contact our Customer Response Center at 1-888-825-5249 during our normal business hours, Monday through Friday, 8:00 am to 8:00 pm Eastern Standard Time.


 

Dear Zyban,

Thank you for your prompt response. I consulted with the gentleman who procures my heroin for me, a knock-kneed, diminutive chap we call "Tip-toe" and he intoned that my addiction to skag would not be hampered by your product. His quote was "fuck all dat shit cuz this is the shit right here. I don't give a fuck about what that shit is, this shit still gonna knock a motherfucker down!". He pronounces "down" in two syllables as to sound like "dow-in". Regardless, we all took this to mean that I could quit smoking using your product without it being at the expense of my social life.

The question you did not answer was as to it's effects of my sexual predatory behavior and unquenchable thirst for young boys. Have studies like this been done and, if not, when do you plan on doing these studies? I would like to be considered for such an experiment and will keep you informed of any dysfuction.

Please let me now ASAP as the holidays are a big time for me, what with my Mall Santa job and everything.

 

Thank you,
Doug Stanhope