Dear Ralph's,

I was recently shopping in your supermarket and decided to join your Ralph’s Club so I could show my allegiance to your store, as well as save 41 cents on a turkey pot pie. I filled out all the paperwork and received my Club card but was given very little information about the club otherwise. Sure I was told about the points and the savings, but what about the club? Who’s in the club? Who runs this club? When does this organization meet? Is there a secret hand shake or a club motto? On which occasions should we don the traditional fez? In short, what is our objective? I spoke with some other club members in the parking lot who were equally confused on these matters. We’ve been meeting privately and have decided to take things into our own hands. A club without leadership is a club doomed to failure. Unless you can show me some pre-existing hierarchy, we are the new leaders of Ralph’s Club. I’m overseeing all operations.Joaquin is going to handle all of the cash operations, loansharking, payoffs, and of course the numbers racket. Zoe will take care of party planning and decorations and Clarence will be the muscle. Trust me, he’s good. Two Thursdays ago we were at the Coach and Horses Tavern when two punk bitches come in and sit at the bar with a Von’s Club tag on their key ring. Clarence put the beat upside their heads like a crazy man. That’s my point, we need to represent or any of these second rate supermarket savings clubs are gonna be all up in ya’ ass. Now we need to talk to you about all these “double coupons” and “big savings”. Who is deciding who gets to save on what? If we are a club, then the club should decide together what the discounts are and who gets them. We can’t just go pissing away all the profits. Tell this Ralph guy to get ahold of me as soon as possible so we can get this shit squared away.

 

Semper Fi,

Doug Stanhope

doug@dougstanhope.com