Dear President Clinton,

I know you are probably busy packing and stuff but I really need a hand with something. A ways back, I slapped down $11.95 plus s/h for a midget-oriented shuck-flick from mail-order porn conglomerate, Leisure Time Products.

I’ll spare you the details but the bottom line is I got banana-piped on the deal and have used every means made available by our forefathers to right this wrong, short of a long, ugly court battle that would most certainly become a media circus of which I want no part. I’ve written the company in question, a local consumer advocate, the BBB, the LPA, as well as my congressman (The Honorable Henry Waxman) and was given the silent treatment on all fronts, leading me to believe in a conspiracy theory the likes of which have not been seen since The Warren Commission, Area 51, and Gallagher II.

You have done wonderful things as President of these here United States in every capacity and your legacy will make Lincoln look like Van Buren, but not until a small man with small hopes and dreams can puke out his credit card over the Internet without getting squeeze-bagged into buying a half-rate anomaly of the midget porn triumvirate he was expecting and then spin his wheels for months fruitlessly to find redemption, we certainly cannot call this country "FREE". I’m sure that one stern word from you or even your powerful and lovely wife Hillary would make these cowards at Leisure Time scramble like the rats that they are.

Many men, in order to bolster one argument or another, are quick to interpret what George Washington had in mind when creating the Declaration Of Independence. Who can say for sure? But one thing I’m sure of, is if Mr. Washington ordered a film called “Sexual Experiences With Midgets”, he’d expect a hell of a lot more than one midget in the goll-dang movie and would start whipping fannies if it were otherwise. Good luck in the future and if you need any help moving give me a buzz. If you could also place that call to Leisure Time Products and tell ‘em to knock off with the hubbub, I’d appreciate it. Their number is 1-800-874-8960. That’s toll free.


Doug Stanhope