Dear Phillip Morris,

I’m a long time smoker of your product (Marlboro Lights, soft pack) and I’m aware of the problems you’ve had of late with all the litigation. I think it’s a travesty and a shame. Frivolous lawsuits are ruing our country and decent businesses such as yours. At the same time, you must be aware that your products do, in fact, cause some detriment to the public health. I am a casualty myself. Two Thursdays ago I was diagnosed with genital warts, a direct result of smoking your cigarettes. I know this, as I’ve never smoked any other brand. I’ve had the problem taken care of and would never consider bringing this before a jury. Where I come from, we settle things like gentlemen. I trust that you are the same way. All I ask is you send me $5.21 for the cost of a bottle of Wart-B-Gone and as far as I’m concerned we’re squared up. In the meantime, I continue my loyalty to your fine product as always. A couple of minor scars on the ole “Captain Dandy” couldn’t keep me away from a quality smoke like yours!

 

Thanking you in advance,

Doug Stanhope