Dear Mike Tyson,

I watched your fight Saturday night over at my friend Erica’s house and man did you take a thumping. That British character really put the gloves to you. I watched some of the instant replays and I think I could give you some pointers on how to handle the situation if it ever happens again.

First of all, it’s important to remain calm. Speak to your attacker in a soft and soothing tone. Say he tells you “You’re going down!”, you could respond quietly by saying “OK, my friend, I will go down.“ or “Where would you like me to go down?”. Keep in mind that he’s as afraid as you are. Whatever you do, don’t go out there swinging your fists like a crazy person. Let’s face it, you’re no fighter.

If you find it impossible to avoid violence, don’t try to fight his fight. He’s obviously been down this road and you trying to slug will just make him testy. My advice is to play crazy. Just start bawling and pounding your hands on your head. Then start defecating on yourself and speaking in tongues. It worked for me when I was approached by two women soliciting donations for the Jaycees, it may work for you.

Another thing to remember is that there is strength in numbers. I noticed early on a line of security men in yellow shirts forming a line across the ring. Why in heck did you let those guys leave? Certainly they weren’t nearly as imposing as that Lewis fellow but the sheer numbers might have dissuaded him from physically pummeling you like an eight dollar whore. Next time maybe you could pal it up with them and see if they’d walk you home.

What was most baffling is that after each time he beat you half silly you’d go to your corner and then come back for more. What in St James were you thinking? I have seen this before with lady friends in abusive relationships. They go and get the tar knocked out of them by their husband, run to Mother’s house crying, get some good sound advice and a hug and the next thing you know they go right back to the man to suffer another whipping. Stop making excuses for his behavior. You say he’ll change, you say he’s only like that when he’s been hitting the lager but the truth is that he’s an abuser and always will be unless he gets help. You deserve more, Mike.

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but you should really pay more attention to what you wear when you go out. I’m not saying you were asking for it by the way you were dressed but to walk around in shorts and no shirt on a Saturday night is almost begging for trouble. When he beat you til you couldn’t walk anymore I quite honestly thought he was going to fuck you in the mouth right there. Anyone who could abuse you that mercilessly in front of all those people wouldn’t hesitate to drop his trousers and paste you a dirty one right in the ass for good measure. Next time wear a windbreaker or maybe a light sweater.

I know none of this is any of my business but I have been a big fan of your work since you were on Court TV and I think your impressions are hilarious. My favorite is the one you always do where you sound like a semi-retarded park fairy with the IQ of a meatball. As much as you do it, I never stop laughing. Just try to stay out of fights and get back to making folks chuckle


Your fan and friend
Doug Stanhope