Dear Los Angeles Times,

I’ve been receiving bills for your newspaper to someone named Barvanastissimo Courountrassisti. Unfortunately there is no one at this address named Barvanastissimo Courountrassisti. This address is for Barvanastissimo Courountrassistian. I do know a Barvanastissimo Courountrassisti but he does not live here. He stayed here for a few days in the late eighties and actually owes me money, too. The other possibility is that the bill was meant for my father in law, Barbanastissimo Courountrassistiin and your billing people made a horrible typo but that is unlikely as Barbanastissimo Courountrassistiin can’t read English and is blind to the point he can’t see chick peas on his plate without the assistance of a table compressor. I would help you if I could but I have no forwarding information for Barvanastissimo Courountrassisti since he was deported in 1989. I apologize. One other thing. I, myself, ordered your newspaper some months back and it was delivered without me ever receiving a bill. Eventually it stopped coming and I have, as of yet, received no information concerning payment. Please let me know what is going on down there.

 

Shak Arnyarna,

Barvanastissimo Courountrassistian