Dear Leisure Time Products,

Several months back I ordered a video titled "Sexual Experiences with Midgets". It showed up on time and I paid what you told me it would cost. Only problem --- There’s only one midget in the whole f***king movie! And it’s not even good midget sex! The opening scene has a midget getting sucked off by some chick (who didn’t look too pleased to be doing it) and he blows his load before he can ever bang her! What kind of porno store are you? Where are your ethics? The second scene has a guy sodomizing a girl who is kinda small and has a big head, but she’s no midget by any stretch of the imagination. The rest of this piece of crap is just filler from regular porn. I sat there through the rest of the movie with my dick in my hand and my heart full of great expectations only to watch scene after scene of basic homogenized smut without the slightest hint of a dwarf. By the end I was so desperate I was hoping they’d at least mention a midget by name, to have the actor, right at the point of climax, scream out “Billy Barty! Billy Barty!”. But no, I got hosed worse than the little girl with the big cranium. If you had a storefront I’d march in there with my limp dick in one hand and this video in the other, tear drop in my eye and say “What’s wrong with this picture?”. I’m not asking for a refund, as I’ve already passed the film on to someone less jaded than myself who could be contented by one singular midget getting his putz gargled by some skank that was practically asking for her crack money before the goo dripped off her face. What I’m asking is, how am I supposed to trust you in the future? How am I to know that World’s Kinkiest Farm Acts (#10264539) won’t be anything more than some guy plowing for ten minutes with his balls hanging out. Or that Galaxy’s Big Fat Tit Party (#10264646) is not just some chubby chicks’ housewarming party followed by 90 minutes of dredged up Ron Jeremy footage from ten years ago? Please raise your standards, as you are a reflection of the quality of porn you sell. I look forward to your thoughts on this letter.

 

Thank You,

Doug Stanhope

 

PS. I’m ordering a copy of "Somewhere Under The Rainbow" from under the advice of a friend. Should it show up without the acceptable quota of midgets, I’m going straight to the BBB.