Dear K-Mart,

I just got done restocking my galpal's entire wardrobe with your fashionable yet sensible clothing line and let me tell you, am I going to sleep better at night! Why, you ask? I'll tell you why.

Almost a year ago, after a long night of drinking and carrying on to celebrate her sisters recovery and remission from lymphoma, my ladyfriend Maura was brutally raped by a group of Kiwanis conventioneers. Last week a jury found the three men accused "not guilty" on all charges. The jury had agreed with the defense suggestion that she had led the men on and was, in fact, "asking for it by the way she was dressed". Our hearts sunk when the verdict was read as we desperately sought closure and redemption in the whole affair, yet none of us could really say that we disagreed completely.

You see, Maura frequently wore clothing purchased from the Gap and we'd warned over and over that she looked like a floozie, that her sexy outfits were going to find her in a heap of trouble. She never would listen. She's listening now. We purchased several fancy ensembles from your fine store that are quite dashing without revealing any unnecessary femininity or revealing any shape or form. Your sport-yet-thrifty looks prove that you can look snappy without inviting the temptation of cruel sodomites. We all wonder why you don't use this as more of a marketing tool? "Wear Kmart clothes! Look great without being violently raped and maybe stabbed!" Imagine how effective an advertisement that would be. Or maybe you could target the Gap outright, as in "Kmart Clothes! You may not see these styles at the Oscars, but at least they won't get your lady friend viciously accosted sexually by boozing miscreants like the Gap will!". It would be as much a public service message as it would be an advertisement (which, btw, I pronounce ad-VERT-is-ment, not ad-ver_TIZ-ment).

Please let me know what you think about these ideas and also let me know if you'd be interested in having Maura and myself as spokespeople for the ad campaign. We'd be happy to do it for only 1,200 dollars or best offer.

Thank you,
Doug Stanhope


PS: Would you be willing to have Kmart's attorney's represent me in a civil trial against the Gap in this matter? Let me know.

Dear Doug,

Thank you for your inquiry regarding a possible business relationship with We are delighted by your interest in our company.

As an up-and-coming new company, is growing and changing rapidly. Over the next year we plan to expand both our website and our strategic business partnerships. We are always looking for potential partners. Your correspondence has been forwarded to our business development team and will be kept on file. As our plans come into focus this year, we may contact you to explore working together.

The website is full of information to assist you. You may find the answer to your question by browsing through our Frequently Asked Questions. If not, we are always here to help! Just call (800)355-6388 for assistance.

Once again, thanks for your interest in


--Your Customer Care Team

Dear KMart,

Thank you but my letter was not about a business partnership. It was about my galpal being violently raped and brutally sodomized. I'm glad to see you confuse that with business.

Doug Stanhope