Dear Holiday Inn,

Let me start by saying that I’ve grown very tired of hanging my Do Not Disturb sign out just to have it completely ignored by some psychopathic third world vagabond who comes crashing into my room at 10 a.m. and acts surprised to find me masturbating into my own face. This doesn’t only happen at your hotels, as you well know. If they don’t knock, they call, as if that is any less disturbing. And God forbid you should be out when they ignore the sign. Then, while you’re downstairs enjoying your continental muffin and orange-like juice, some Nicaraguan leper is rifling through your suitcase, sampling your toiletries and dancing around in your underpants. It’s got to stop and since you’re obviously not doing anything about it, I’ve come up with a plan of my own. I’ve invented a proto-type of a gadget that I call the “Maid-B-Gone”. This an electrical device that attaches to the door handle so that when the maid ignores the do not disturb sign she gets blasted by a shock about four times that of a high-powered police issue stun-taser. I tried it once in a Super 8 motel outside of Truth or Consequences, N.M. and the housekeeping woman was knocked backward with such force that she cracked the door of the room behind her (which, ironically, had it’s Do Not Disturb sign up, too). She wandered on all fours down the hallway screaming that she was blind, or that’s the best I could make of it with my limited Spanish. I never saw her again, and for the next three days of my stay I slept like a baby, despite the lingering smell of burnt hair. I spend many nights a year in your hotels, as I am a traveling Karaoke singer on the Pro-Crooner circuit and would like to be able to implement this device during my stays with you. I’d also be willing to give you a copy of the proto-type so that you could install it in all your rooms nationwide or use it in training/discipline sessions for your housekeeping staff. Someone has got to teach these peasants respect, and nothing teaches more respect than the Maid-B-Gone. Please give me your opinion on this.

 

Thank You,

Doug Stanhope