Dear City Of Portland,

I was recently in your fine city when I was given a citation for a parking meter violation and I almost went ahead and paid it until I realized your little scheme. First of all, I was in Portland with a convention of the Church of Aboriginal and Persian Fundamental Restoration, a group that, as you well know, only uses seashells and lumps of salt as currency. Isn’t it CON-VEEEN-IENT that your meters only take quarters, dimes and nickels! If that isn’t religious persecution, I don’t know what is. Also, I later remembered that a guy I used to play softball against in Los Angeles moved to Portland a few years back. This ticket wouldn’t just be retribution for the 16-2 drubbing we gave them in the Inter-Valley quarter-finals game in Encino back in 1989 would it? It all fits a little too perfectly, don’t you think? It’s been said that “Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” and therefore I’m fighting this citation on the grounds of the first and ninth amendments, religious freedom, carpe diem, diplomatic immunity, the Geneva Convention, Farnsworth vs. the Province of Newfoundland 1912, temporary insanity, the Warsaw Pact, Emancipation Proclamation, the Versailles Treaty and toxic shock syndrome. Please remit any further questions to my attorney, as I will be defending myself.

 

Not Born Yesterday,

Doug Stanhope