Dear Carl's Jr. Restaurants,

From what I remember, you guys make a heck of a sandwich. It’s been a while, as I’ve boycotted you since you started running the “Get All Over” commercials.

Who told you that the amplified sound of people chewing and spilling food out of their pig mouths would make for good advertising? Could you find anything more vulgar? How about people vomiting? Possibly you could show the actual slaughter of the cow and the removal of his vital organs.

My father recently had a colostomy and I had to wipe off his feces-ridden stoma, the part of the exposed intestine that connects to the bag. That was more appetizing than your commercials. And you’ve run them for years.

I’m a nationally touring stand-up comedian and every time I mention how nauseating your commercials are the crowd goes apeshit in agreement. Before you think “Hey, that just gets our name out there even more!” know that I go on to tell stories of your employees taking runny flu-shits into the fryer, masturbating into tarter bins with penises black from rot and coughing AIDS blood onto undercooked meat. How long are you going to make me keep up this vigil? Knock it off, it’s really fucking gross and nobody likes it, no matter what some blowhard at the agency tells you the focus-group said.

 

Thank You in advance,

Doug Stanhope