Dear Better Business Bureau,

Several months back I ordered and received a video from a company called Leisure Time Products that was supposed to feature midgets involved in different acts of shame and sexual heathenry. The video that I got only had one midget engaged in one sexual act for a duration of about five minutes total. For a movie entitled “Sexual Experiences With Midgets”, I think this fell well short of the mark (no pun).

The very fact that the words “Experiences” and “Midgets” are plural leads a consumer to believe that there are at minimum two (2) midgets and at least two (2) experiences. Fact is, there is but one little fella engaged in one tepid sexual act and the act he was engaging in is debatably, according to our President, not even sex. I’ve written to the company as well as a consumer advocate from the local news station but, so far no one seems willing to help.

My rights as a consumer will not be trampled upon merely because that product in question happens to be a film in which freaks of nature frolic naked and create sodomy. I know you, with your fine reputation for defending the little guy, will not turn your back on me.

Please let me know what course of action we can take to save the next guy from the disappointment saddled upon me by these fast-talking charlatans. Let’s bring the porn industry back up to the high standards of yesteryear.

Caveat Emptor,
Doug Stanhope


PS: My friend Stoolie is a jailhouse lawyer and he has reviewed stills from this video. He says that the one “midget” in question is actually a dwarf and says this may be grounds for a civil suit as well. Is this correct?