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TOUR DATES

 

August 13

Hotel Congress
Tucson, AZ

 

August 15

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 16

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 17

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 21

Comedy Store
Los Angeles, CA

 

August 22

Comedy Store
Los Angeles, CA

 

August 27

Cobb's Comedy Club
San Francisco, CA

 

August 28

Cobb's Comedy Club
San Francisco, CA

 

September 12

The Trocadero
Philadelphia, PA

 

September 13

State Theatre
Falls Church, VA
Cheapest tickets are at the Venue Box Office

 

September 18

San Jose Improv
San Jose, CA

 

September 19

The Mohawk
Austin, TX

 

September 27

Plaza Hotel & Casino
Las Vegas, NV

 

October 7

El Paso Comic Strip Comedy Club
El Paso, TX

 

November 11

The Greek Club
Brisbane, AU

 

November 14

UNSW Roundhouse
Sydney, AU

 

November 22

Venue TBA
Melbourne, AU

 

Friday
Nov082002

Comedy Rules

Just added! Shreveport Funny Bone November 13 - 17. Bring a gun.

Also - Tittie bar show in Eugene, OR! Silver Dollar Saloon November 20th. Two shows - call for showtimes 541 485-2303. Don't expect artistic integrity.

In fact, don't expect much after Tuesday, November 12th, as I will be getting a vasectomy on that day. It may be weeks before I can even tell a dick joke. But that'll be a whole other update in itself.

I got into KC a night early to do morning radio. Ricky Smiley was at the club when I came in from the airport and they were patting people down at the door. I left immediately. When did comedy become a form of entertainment that invites gun-play? That's all-pro heckling right there.

Speaking of...

 

Here's a comedy rule that shouldn't have to be spelled out but evidently does. If you don't have any limbs - don't heckle. I'm with Andy Andrist, who is perhaps the funniest person on the top side of earth, at the Acme Comedy club in Minneapolis last week. Andy tells me he's worried about his extensive "fat people getting handicapped parking/ people in wheelchairs shouldn't get special privileges because a lot of them are in chairs because they are fuck-ups" bit due to a couple of patrons that are wheelchair bound in the crowd, one being little more than a torso.

 

 

Andy Andrist and Stand Up! Records' Dan Schlissel

The bit is absolutely ripping funny and can be worked so as not to offend but it's still tricky to pull off. Andy is going to do it anyway because Andy doesn't give a fuck but before he can even venture into it, the torso starts blurting shit out and throwing the room into funeral parlor silence. That's what happens when freaks heckle. If you - the regular drunk-off-the-street guy - starts bellowing out shit, trying to be life of the party then you know what to expect and will be verbally pummeled. But when a mop-top inebriate with 10 inch stubbs for limbs decides to be the asshole for the evening it turns into a black hole of comedy because the comic can't say shit back without the crowd looking at him like he's gut-punting a crack baby.

This has happened to me on many occasions. There was the time where the midget couple brought their retarded son to the front row of a show at Joker's in Dayton. The more I tried to fight out of the hole, the worse I made it. The worst was when I used to work at the other club in Minneapolis years back. There was a regular group of rubberheads that would be brought in now and then under what I assumed to be some kind of "laughter is the best medicine" program. I assume this because these people weren't just a little bit touched. They were full-blown butternoggins who hadn't a clue where they were or why they were there. So you'd walk onto the stage, oblivious to their presence and right in the middle of a set-up you hear a terrifying "DAAAAAAAAAARFPH!" from the back of the room. You don't know if you're being heckled or if you have one ball hanging out of your pants.

If you're lucky, you spot the problem give a shrug and a wink to the audience and try to plow through. But good luck if they happen to be behind the lights somewhere and you go into knee-jerk heckler mode and spew out your best "Hey Chico, why don't you go eat a bag of dicks, you fucking retard!". Now you wonder why the audience hasn't started yelping approval as they usually would so you cup your hand over your eyes and see that you've just publicly berated a low-watt gurgler in a high-back chair who begins to break the icy silence with gutteral sobs.

Try pulling out of that hole. "Sorry, I didn't know you were really a retard." won't get the audience back on your side. Skip your closer and head for the farthest barroom.

Am I saying retards shouldn't be allowed in comedy clubs?

Yes. Yes I am.

I'm not saying it should be a law nor would a post a sign but use some common sense for fuck sake. The caretakers/handlers who brought them would say that it was good therapy for them to be around laughter and smiling people. Well good for them. Put em in a circle and throw a burning raccoon in the middle. They'll all laugh and smile for hours. Instead you put them here where they've turned laughter and smiling people into awkward silence and people who wish they were at the movies instead.

I applaud the people who work with people afflicted with these disabilities and can think of no job that is more selfless or requires more patience and understanding. That's why I didn't take that job and don't want you to put me in that position against my will.

The case with Andy is different. This person had all of his mental faculties (save for what he drank away that night), he just didn't have arms or legs. And he was a belligerent asshole.

Andy played it perfectly and just gave benign jabs in return until he could feel that the audience had spent it's full supply of empathy. Then, among other things, he challenged him to a race up stairs and closed by saying that he now understood why God punishes some people.

*********************************************

Acme held it's 11th anniversary show at the State Theater with Dave Attell & Patton Oswalt. Dave's always been my favorite and Patton isn't much behind. After the after-party, there was to be an after-after party at some hotel room. About 18 of us showed up at the sleepy Residence Inn in downtown Minneapolis, surly & drunk, only to be told by the front desk douchebag buzzkill that he was calling the police. Why he'd be calling the police before we even went to the room was beyond us but still wasn't a deterrent. So we got in the room with just enough time to grab as much beer as we could before the inevitable knock of 6 or 7 Minneapolis PD ready for battle. The gave us stern looks as we quietly walked out passed them until Attell came out and we found out that a few of the fuzz are Insomniac fans.Then it was all yuks and back slaps. They're prolly all up late with all that confiscated crank watching Attell while their cross-gender incest porn is slowly downloading on a slow, stolen modem.

*********************************************

Attell, Renee, Doug and Andy

Ms Pine City

Meanwhile, back at our hotel, they were hosting the Ms Teen Minnesota competition. I put a 20 on Ms Pine City on a bad tip that there was a gravy-eating competition and high points for no shame.

*********************************************

Travel tip - Don't be first or last at the airport gate. If the random security check at the gate is empty, you're it. Just found that out and figured Ii'd pass it on.

*********************************************

Oh ya, I autographed this girls tits and she has emailed, demanding their presence on the site. So here they are, like it or not.

 

The DVD is supposed to ready for Thanksgiving. But you can still send me money for absolutely no reason at PayPal. So far nobody has taken advantage of this opportunity, leaving me little ambition to post video clips of my upcoming vasectomy.

Of all the people who would like to stick me in the dick with a knife and here I am paying a deductible. And you try to tell me about God.

 

Sign the mailing list.

Wednesday
Oct302002

New Dates And A Story

Some new dates are up - November 8-10, I'll be at Stanford's Comedy Club in Kansas City. It's my first time at the club so all you evil pricks who email me to come to KC better show up and bring all your ugliest friends. James Inman is gonna MC so if you're within 1500 miles of the place it's worth the trip.

Also confirmed is Dante's in Portland of Friday, November 22nd. I absolutely love this venue. Dress up all trippy and do plenty of drugs - before and after. I swear some weird shit will go down.

I wish the sniper could have lasted through Halloween and taken out a few of the thousands of dildos who will be dressed up as Austin Powers. I'm in Minneapolis at Acme this week and tomorrow I'm telling the owner not to allow anyone dressed as Austin Powers in the show room, just to be an asshole. Anyone who would doesn't deserve comedy.

I'll put up a new update in a couple days.

*********************************************

Fuck the Vikings.

*********************************************

Someone emailed me this. I need to find the entire story.

 

Hey Doug. I agree wholeheartedly with your Sept. 11 views, and wanted to tip you off to a lovely little tale from the current edition of Atlantic Monthly. It's from an article by William Langewiesche; here's my favorite part:

(Writing about the recovery effort, Langewiesche notes that a field superintendent for the construction cleanup discovers the hulk of a fire truck 50 feet below street level. The superintendent, who, like many, has grown tired of the firefighters' superior attitude, delights in what he finds.) "

...after the hulk of the fire truck appeared, rather than containing bodies, its crew cab was filled with new pairs of jeans from The Gap, a Trade Center store...When a grappler pulled off the roof, the jeans were revealed for all to see...While a crowd of initially bewildered firemen looked on, the construction workers went wild. "Jeans! Look at these...Fucking guys! Jeans!" It was hard to avoid the conclusion that the looting had begun even before the first tower fell, and that while hundreds of doomed firemen had climbed through the wounded buildings, this particular crew had been engaged in something else entirely, without the slightest suspicion that the South Tower was about to hammer down. Of course this was not what the firemen wanted to hear. An angry fire chief tried to shut the construction workers up. He offered an explanation  that the jeans (tagged, folded, stacked by size) had been blown into the crew cab by the force of the collapse. The field superintendent, seeming not to hear, asked the fire chief to repeat what he had said. When he did, the construction workers only jeered louder."

 

Keep the good shit coming.

Friday
Oct182002

Never Enough Time

I can't seem to take time off and sit still anymore. I took a month off and found myself spending hours on Priceline trying to find a place to run off to last minute. When my 100 dollar bids for Guam and Belize were refused for the 6 or 10th time I gave up and used frequent flyer miles to head back to Rhode Island with the wife for a few days with my brother and his family. 

Global warming or maybe bad timing fucked us out of the foliage - we were early by a week or two - but we did get to carve some pumpkins with the kids and go fishing at Cook's Pond. We even took a day and went over to Martha's Vineyard where I hadn't been since I was 8 or so. We rented bikes and took pictures of the gingerbread cottage that my grandmother owned before she went batty and sold it for less than what you'd for a shitty new car or moderate bail on a first felony, a permanent stain on her memory with the surviving members of the family.

 

My brother has two kids, Sidney and Harry Truman. The girl is 6 and the boy is two and full of bowel problems. He can't shit for some reason and I was regaled with tales of his parents having to reach fingers into his gaping pooper to yank out hard nuggets as he shrieks in agony. I was going to suggest they try blowing him at the same time but they seemed too serious about the subject. Either way, it's nice to go home.

There's never enough time to do everything you want to do back home but there's always time to get shit-pants drunk watching the Patriots lose and then urinate in the middle of a crowded Sunday Wal-Mart parking lot as though it wasn't out of the ordinary. Some next-day memories bring shame and embarrassment but I don't like Wal-Mart sober and I have no feelings of remorse.

My wife played the family game like it was old hat and made a stalker out of the girl child. She helped her with homework, listened to her read, played dress-up and the lot and now the kid calls her on the phone like a spring break one night stand with a bun in the oven. That's the problem with being nice to kids. Then they wanna hang out with you all the time. When you put bugs down their back and assure them that they are soon to be put into Foster care, they don't usually cry when you leave.

 


Now I'm back on the road, still recovering from a Tommy Rocker's gig in Vegas where we abused our open bar tab to unprecedented levels of gluttony. I'm sure Tommy is just glad no one stuffed his microphone up their ass this time. Just the same I had a bunch of friends come out and others that didn't. I ran into a guy I'd met in Florida through a mutual friend years ago. He told me the mutual friend was mad at me because he'd found out I fucked his wife. Funny thing is, last time I'd talked to his wife, she'd called me crying because he was trying to pimp her out. Now I find out he's mad at me all these years later and I don't know if he wants me to apologize or cut him a check. 

So that's the latest and if it sounds like I'm becoming boring and don't put up enough weird stories, then maybe it's because you haven't taken the time to send me a very large sum of money via PayPal. I know you already have the CD's but that money spends too quick anyway. So just go to the merchandise page, click onto PayPal and send me a very large sum of money for no particular reason other than the simple trust that I will do something very odd with it and then tell you about it here. I'll even give you credit for it. I mean, really - what were you gonna do with that money anyway? Now get to it.

 

The most important thing to do otherwise is to go to www.freestateproject.org and join. It's an incredible idea and I think it could work. Spread that link around like Indonesian chlamydia.


Next week is Appleton and then Minneapolis so if you're within 500 miles or so, be sure to come out.