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TOUR DATES

 

April 13

HandleBar
Pensacola, FL

 

April 15

Rehab
Tallahassee, FL

 

April 16

Atlanta Improv
Atlanta, GA

 

April 17

Atlanta Improv
Atlanta, GA

 

April 18

Zydeco
Birmingham, AL

 

April 19

New Daisy Theatre
Memphis, TN

 

April 20

Zanies
Nashville, TN

 

April 22

Comedy Caravan
Louisville, KY

 

April 23

2720 Cherokee
St. Louis, MO

 

April 24

Improv Kansas City
Kansas City, MO

 

April 25

Mermaids
Fayetteville, AR

 

April 26

Juanitas
Little Rock, AR

 

April 27

Phoenix Underground
Shreveport, LA

 

April 29

Addison Improv
Dallas, TX

 

April 30

Addison Improv
Dallas, TX

 

May 1

Backstage Lubbock
Lubbock, TX

 

June 10

Irvine Improv
Irvine, CA

 

June 11

Ontario Improv
Ontario, CA

 

June 12

M15 Concerts Bar & Grill
Corona, CA

 

June 18

Punchline
Sacramento, CA

 

June 25

Star Theatre
Portland, OR

 

August 21

Comedy Store
Los Angeles, CA

 

Thursday
Nov282002

George Bush and Mushrooms

Nice that George Bush has got around to signing a bill starting to investigate the attacks of 9/11. It only took the administration a month or two to get the “Patriot Act” together to completely rape your rights to privacy. Now over a year later he hires an 80 year old fuck who hasn’t done much but grow polyps since his last great feat - orchestrating the covert bombing of Cambodia - to get to the bottom of what happened on 9/11.

Maybe a year from now he’ll call for an investigation on all this whoop-dee-doo about some sniper.

Meanwhile, the inspectors are busy looking for weapons of mass destruction over in Iraq. I wonder if they are taking away peoples nail clippers and Swiss Army knives. This Austin American-Statesman ran an article this morning regarding the inexperience of the team of inspectors, singling out one Jack McGeorge whose experience aside from the Marines and Secret Service includes being the co-founder of Black Rose and the Leather Leadership Conference, both S&M clubs. This guy could see a corn cob or a horse bit as a destructive weapon.

This “inspection” of Iraq will work like the cliché scene where the southern cop knocks out the hippies tail-light and then gives him a ticket for it being out. They will find something benign or non-existent or they will say that they weren’t allowed “full access”.

“We want to check in your babies asses for stores of smallpox.”

“No fucking way!”

“They won’t comply. Send in the air strike.”

I’m not anti-war out of compassion for innocent lives. Most people need dead as far as I am concerned. I just don’t like the painfully obvious dupe-job that this war is somehow connected to terrorism or being done “for the safety and security of the American people.” Maybe Saddam is an insane egomaniac. Most people who find themselves worthy of leading people would fit the description. But I never felt threatened by him.

I don’t think an American has ever felt threatened by Saddam, save for the military that was sent to fight him a decade back. But that’s what they signed up for, ain’t it? To blindly follow whatever orders the leader of the day calls for, to fire upon whatever target the President says is threatening or “evil”? Ask any of them out of context if they trust politicians and 99 out of 100 will say no without stuttering or a qualifying follow up statement. But they will assume that any orders by those same politicians to kill people must be in the best interest of American safety and nothing but. I guess you’d have to force yourself to think that way.

In Nigeria, Muslims hit the streets throwing death and fire in every direction when a journalist made a comment that the prophet Mohammed may well have chosen one of the Miss World competition as a bride. Hundreds dead in the streets for the slight. How this was construed as an insult, I still don’t know. Maybe this years crop of beauty queens are pigs compared to the poon back in Mohammed’s day.

Odd that the Miss World folks expected more from a country that still practices clitoral circumcision and sentenced a woman to be stoned to death for being raped out of wedlock. Maybe they figured that with all that going on they wouldn’t get flack for objectifying women. Hard to cry sexism for having women in bikinis scrutinized by a panel of judges when there’s a mother across the street being beaned in the head with bricks, her baby continuing to nurse off her flapjack tit until the milk goes bad.

If GW came out and threatened to carpet bomb these nitwit Nigerians for no other reason than being backwards assholes with no known benefit to humanity, it would be far easier to support than trying to swallow rhetoric Iraq being a threat to my daily routine when it’s just about greed and personal vendettas.

It really isn’t the leaders and their bullshit that scare me, it’s the masses that buy it like it was 50 cent draft beer.

#####################################################################

Timing is everything.

After the cavalcade of Jager double shots at Dante's in Portland, around where the show began to go into endless rambling and I became less aware of my surroundings, someone decided it was time to eat mushrooms.

And in what seemed like minutes I was compeletely aware of being blackout drunk. Rooms twisting and trailing like a a movie re-enactment of a trip. Completely aware of my mouths inability to create words.

Mary's tittie bar where they say we spent half an hour yet I was positive it was no more than 90 seconds - I saw the mother bartender and daughter dancer become so close in age that I had to look away.

Then to the smut shop where I couldn't get a bill into the dollar slot for a quick spank. All the gutteral sounds from adjoing spank booths were amplified like a stadium in my head and I couldn't tell if they were from movies or actual events taking place. All I knew is that my laughter could get me in trouble here and I couldn't stop. Strange people on the street kept talking to me and Andy, as strange people tend to do when you are out of your mind. This would have been amazing if I weren't so drunk.

It was still a little amazing.

Thanks, Goose, for the trip and Chaille for keeping it all together while the rest of us went out of our heads. Sorry to the folks I didn't get a chance to say hello to.

More thanks to Marconi & Tiny from KNRK for helping me pack the joint. I never have more fun on radio.

stanhope

Friday
Nov222002

Just Got Word...

...That I will be hosting the AVN Awards Show in Las Vegas

Jan. 11th, 2003.

Tits always happen when the wife is out of town. A shame too, since she can put these bi-trendy tittie girls in their place. Lick it or shut up about it, she would say or at least I'd like to believe she would.

Andy Andrist and I did a tittie bar in Eugene, Oregon this Wednesday - an utter and anticipated loss but fun none the less. Last I remember was being naked in the hot tub waiting for the late show that didn't start until almost 1 am.

I snapped off a picture of Andy and comedian Arlo Stone just after the bouncers pulled a naked chick out of the tub and moments before he bum-rushed us again to tell us "no pictures".

We still got paid.

Then up to Portland to promote the show at Dante's where KNRK jock Marconi was celebrating his birthday on air with more tittie dancers (these girls were far more friendly than the Eugene gaggle, where they were a bit testy having comics take up their stage time) and far too much liquor.

 

 

 

 

Eventually Marconi went beaver-sick and mad with drunk and fled the station without a goodye, leaving the show in the capable hands of his behemoth cohort Tiny - shown below.

 (Head actual size)

The Dante's show is tonite and I'll probably need injections of B-12 and penecillin to combat any airborn syphillis just to make it thru the night.

#####################################################################

Thanks to the folks at the Shreveport FunnyBone. Not the Biblical nightmare I expected. More of that story whenever I get pictures of the interracial midgets with the 10 pound double donger. No, I'm not kidding.

#####################################################################

More links you have to check out.

Why you should vote Libertarian.[ß---links to “what would a truly libertarian society look like?” In journal folder]

Modern Drunk Magazine

www.cloud10.com

www.jimgoad.com        Some incredible writing.

www.totse.com

Have you signed up at www.freestateproject.org yet? Do it now fuckers. I want real freedom.

#####################################################################

I finally got money for no fucking reason this week from Ameen Belbahri. He sent me $0.67. For no fucking reason. And I appreciate it. Of course now I'm expecting to be herded into a cage somewhere without legal representation for taking money from known terrorist organizations.

You can still send me money for nothing thru Paypal. I don't really need it but I'll take it. Or you can pre-order the DVD "Word of Mouth" at www.sacredcow.com, which will be out next week.

More to come...

#####################################################################

If you haven't gone to www.freestateproject.org - go there and join. It's a fucking brilliant idea. Seriously. Do it now.

Friday
Nov082002

Comedy Rules

Just added! Shreveport Funny Bone November 13 - 17. Bring a gun.

Also - Tittie bar show in Eugene, OR! Silver Dollar Saloon November 20th. Two shows - call for showtimes 541 485-2303. Don't expect artistic integrity.

In fact, don't expect much after Tuesday, November 12th, as I will be getting a vasectomy on that day. It may be weeks before I can even tell a dick joke. But that'll be a whole other update in itself.

I got into KC a night early to do morning radio. Ricky Smiley was at the club when I came in from the airport and they were patting people down at the door. I left immediately. When did comedy become a form of entertainment that invites gun-play? That's all-pro heckling right there.

Speaking of...

 

Here's a comedy rule that shouldn't have to be spelled out but evidently does. If you don't have any limbs - don't heckle. I'm with Andy Andrist, who is perhaps the funniest person on the top side of earth, at the Acme Comedy club in Minneapolis last week. Andy tells me he's worried about his extensive "fat people getting handicapped parking/ people in wheelchairs shouldn't get special privileges because a lot of them are in chairs because they are fuck-ups" bit due to a couple of patrons that are wheelchair bound in the crowd, one being little more than a torso.

 

 

Andy Andrist and Stand Up! Records' Dan Schlissel

The bit is absolutely ripping funny and can be worked so as not to offend but it's still tricky to pull off. Andy is going to do it anyway because Andy doesn't give a fuck but before he can even venture into it, the torso starts blurting shit out and throwing the room into funeral parlor silence. That's what happens when freaks heckle. If you - the regular drunk-off-the-street guy - starts bellowing out shit, trying to be life of the party then you know what to expect and will be verbally pummeled. But when a mop-top inebriate with 10 inch stubbs for limbs decides to be the asshole for the evening it turns into a black hole of comedy because the comic can't say shit back without the crowd looking at him like he's gut-punting a crack baby.

This has happened to me on many occasions. There was the time where the midget couple brought their retarded son to the front row of a show at Joker's in Dayton. The more I tried to fight out of the hole, the worse I made it. The worst was when I used to work at the other club in Minneapolis years back. There was a regular group of rubberheads that would be brought in now and then under what I assumed to be some kind of "laughter is the best medicine" program. I assume this because these people weren't just a little bit touched. They were full-blown butternoggins who hadn't a clue where they were or why they were there. So you'd walk onto the stage, oblivious to their presence and right in the middle of a set-up you hear a terrifying "DAAAAAAAAAARFPH!" from the back of the room. You don't know if you're being heckled or if you have one ball hanging out of your pants.

If you're lucky, you spot the problem give a shrug and a wink to the audience and try to plow through. But good luck if they happen to be behind the lights somewhere and you go into knee-jerk heckler mode and spew out your best "Hey Chico, why don't you go eat a bag of dicks, you fucking retard!". Now you wonder why the audience hasn't started yelping approval as they usually would so you cup your hand over your eyes and see that you've just publicly berated a low-watt gurgler in a high-back chair who begins to break the icy silence with gutteral sobs.

Try pulling out of that hole. "Sorry, I didn't know you were really a retard." won't get the audience back on your side. Skip your closer and head for the farthest barroom.

Am I saying retards shouldn't be allowed in comedy clubs?

Yes. Yes I am.

I'm not saying it should be a law nor would a post a sign but use some common sense for fuck sake. The caretakers/handlers who brought them would say that it was good therapy for them to be around laughter and smiling people. Well good for them. Put em in a circle and throw a burning raccoon in the middle. They'll all laugh and smile for hours. Instead you put them here where they've turned laughter and smiling people into awkward silence and people who wish they were at the movies instead.

I applaud the people who work with people afflicted with these disabilities and can think of no job that is more selfless or requires more patience and understanding. That's why I didn't take that job and don't want you to put me in that position against my will.

The case with Andy is different. This person had all of his mental faculties (save for what he drank away that night), he just didn't have arms or legs. And he was a belligerent asshole.

Andy played it perfectly and just gave benign jabs in return until he could feel that the audience had spent it's full supply of empathy. Then, among other things, he challenged him to a race up stairs and closed by saying that he now understood why God punishes some people.

*********************************************

Acme held it's 11th anniversary show at the State Theater with Dave Attell & Patton Oswalt. Dave's always been my favorite and Patton isn't much behind. After the after-party, there was to be an after-after party at some hotel room. About 18 of us showed up at the sleepy Residence Inn in downtown Minneapolis, surly & drunk, only to be told by the front desk douchebag buzzkill that he was calling the police. Why he'd be calling the police before we even went to the room was beyond us but still wasn't a deterrent. So we got in the room with just enough time to grab as much beer as we could before the inevitable knock of 6 or 7 Minneapolis PD ready for battle. The gave us stern looks as we quietly walked out passed them until Attell came out and we found out that a few of the fuzz are Insomniac fans.Then it was all yuks and back slaps. They're prolly all up late with all that confiscated crank watching Attell while their cross-gender incest porn is slowly downloading on a slow, stolen modem.

*********************************************

Attell, Renee, Doug and Andy

Ms Pine City

Meanwhile, back at our hotel, they were hosting the Ms Teen Minnesota competition. I put a 20 on Ms Pine City on a bad tip that there was a gravy-eating competition and high points for no shame.

*********************************************

Travel tip - Don't be first or last at the airport gate. If the random security check at the gate is empty, you're it. Just found that out and figured Ii'd pass it on.

*********************************************

Oh ya, I autographed this girls tits and she has emailed, demanding their presence on the site. So here they are, like it or not.

 

The DVD is supposed to ready for Thanksgiving. But you can still send me money for absolutely no reason at PayPal. So far nobody has taken advantage of this opportunity, leaving me little ambition to post video clips of my upcoming vasectomy.

Of all the people who would like to stick me in the dick with a knife and here I am paying a deductible. And you try to tell me about God.

 

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