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TOUR DATES

 

November 10

Byron Bay Brewing Company
Byron Bay, AU

 

November 11

The Greek Club
Brisbane, AU

 

November 12

Ainslie Football Club
Canberra, AU

 

November 14

UNSW Roundhouse
*SOLD OUT*
Sydney, AU

 

November 15

UNSW Roundhouse
Sydney, AU

 

November 16

Capri Theatre
Adelaide, AU

 

November 18

Fly By Night Club
*SOLD OUT*
Perth, AU

 

November 19

Fly By Night Club
Perth, AU

 

November 22

Dallas Brooks Centre
Melbourne, AU

 

November 26

University of Auckland
Auckland, NZ
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No other New Zealand cities/towns will be added

 

Sunday
Oct212012

Opting Off


 

 

As an openly gay man as well as a traveling comedian, I have found myself captivated by and flirting with the widespread yet ever-so-secretive niche fetish world of "Opting-Off."

Anyone who's been through an airport more than once in the last few years knows that if you decide not to be sent through a highly invasive and likely dangerous full-body scan - to "opt out" - you settle for an even more demeaning physical pat down that will drift up into your groin.

To many people this has been looked upon as a great invasion of privacy and a breach of Constitutional rights. But to many of us it is also an incredible aphrodisiac. 

Shortly after the body-scanner debacle began, many gay men like myself found an unprecedented sexual rush and thus the fetish of "Opting-Off" was born.

"Opting-Off" as it is now described in the Gay Underground Dictionary is the process of purposely opting out of body scanners so that a TSA agent is forced to massage your delicate parts as a precursor to masturbation or anonymous gay sex in airport toilets.

You see now how this has remained in the underground. It wasn't until Idaho Sen Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting men's room sex that the general public was even aware of homosexual airport sex. The act of Opting-Off would happily remain even more hidden and I am certain that I will take some flak for bringing it into the light.

The internet is crawling with sites devoted to Opting-Off if you know where to look. They share pictures of the hottest TSA men that they've found in their travels and tips for heightening the experience. Some men put lumps of putty near their own anuses in order to bait an even deeper touch or tie their genitals as low on their leg as their skin will allow to get in order to get more direct if accidental contact. A lot of TSA agents themselves have admitted to only applying for the job in order to grope random men which makes sense when you look at how many pedophiles seek out employment working with children. Many straight men claim in chat rooms to have been teased by the TSA into activities they may have otherwise never enjoyed.

I personally know of a gay colleague who changed the motif of his BDSM dungeon to a simple corral of ropes leading to a conveyor belt for disrobing, a secondary screening area and finally to a dirty commode flecked with santorum and errant hairs.

TSA uniforms are now the preferred "French Maid" costume on the gay role-playing catwalk. 

I am not claiming innocence. When I opted out for the first time, it was purely out of the spirit of liberty. A small spit-take in the face of a rising police state. But when a rugged man in uniform rolled his eyes at me and roughly grabbed and jerked at all parts of my body, treating my like a human piece of shit, it made my penis rise and thicken with an intensity that even poppers in a steam room could never produce. This was back when I was too timid to actually engage in semi-public sex in an airport. I'd just jack off in a US Airways Club, as they were usually empty and under construction.

Now the only thing hold me back from a full on cock-n-ass battle in B gate toilet is the question - Is this right?

Is it right that so many TSA agents are now being duped into unwittingly participating in an arguably deviant homosexual craze just by simply doing their job? Some people opt out because they believe that it is abusing their rights as a citizen. But far more are now doing it for the carnal, homoerotic thrill of being man-handled by an authority figure. So much so that most gay men who fly wear the beard of "it's for our own safety" hoping to ensure that the regulation stays in place.

Is this some form of de facto rape and what are the long-term consequences to real air safety? I mean, if word of this fetish were to spread - if Opting-Off websites and message boards were to spring up like killer termites - and the decent men of Homeland Security were to become all too aware that they are mere fluffers to queer passion rather than guardians of civil defense - would they still be so keen in shoving their hands deeply into the private recesses of a strange man's ticklish parts?

If the Opting-Off trend rises to the point where TSA agents themselves fight against these intrusive (and otherwise wholly ineffectual) exercises, the internal pressure alone might put an end to pat-downs altogether. 

What would we jack off to then, gentlemen? 

What would we jack off to then?
Wednesday
Sep122012

Presidents, Apocalypse, and Death

 

 

As we draw closer to the dullest election since Bush/Dukakis, I will now go on record as throwing my shriveled, impotent support behind the only candidate worth hearing, Governor Gary Johnson. Johnson, the former two-term Governor of New Mexico is running on the Libertarian ticket.

Many of you reading this are thinking that the whole affair is a waste of effort, that the corruption runs too deep and the system is rigged and you'd be right. But I still like rooting for an underdog and I'll cheer-lead the fuck out of Gary Johnson.

Upsides:

Gary Johnson wants to end federal drug prohibition and allow states to set their own policies. He wants to legalize marijuana. 

Wants our troops home from Afghanistan immediately as well as reevaluating the need for other bases spread across the world.

Is pro-choice and pro-gay marriage and for stem cell research.

Abolish the IRS and enact the Fair Tax.

Keep the internet tax-free and uncensored as well as legalizing internet gaming.

End the Patriot Act

That's all pretty fucking good.


Downsides:

Nobody knows who the fuck he is even though he pretty much in synch with Ron Paul (without any of the racism baggage.)

He's a little creepy looking.

He's far too honest.

That's one of my biggest peeves with both Johnson and Paul. Why not just lie about some of the shit you wanna do? It's been a working business model for politicians since I've been alive yet it seems that it's only implemented by the nefarious. 

They say the won't raise taxes and as soon as they are elected they raise taxes. Why never the other way? Why never a guy running on the Anti-Coon ticket only to get elected and free the slaves? Bullshit has a solid track record and should not be taken out of the equation especially if it offers you opportunity to make drastic changes for liberty. Some stuff is gonna suck. Gloss over it or just flat out lie. Most people - myself included - are too fucking under-educated on the facts to have any business scratching their asses in a polling booth. If it's necessary, tell them whatever dogshit subterfuge it takes to get into office and then fuck em over by doing the right thing.

Deception should not be reserved for evil people.


In the meantime, take out your Sharpie or your spray can and write "Johnson/Gray 2012" in every dirty toilet stall you find yourself vomiting in over the next few months. That might be the extent of my political pull but it'll make me smile when I read it.



****************************************************


The main reason that most people cannot take this election seriously is that we are all now frightfully aware that indeed, December 21st, 2012 - the end of the Mayan Calendar - now certain to be the End of the World.

It no longer matters how the Arizona Cardinals did in pre-season. Nobody gives a fuck about going over the mileage on their leased vehicle. Only a sucker would buy a pregnancy test today. She won't even be fat by the time the firestorms come.

All folks seem to care about his how the will spend their last day and who they will spend it with.

That was a problem for a lot of you who were having to choose between spending their final day on Earth with me, Joe Rogan or Joey MadFlavor CoCo Diaz. Well now you don't need to choose. We have come together to do a show in Los Angeles on that soon-to-be fateful date so we can spend it with you.

Rogan, Stanhope & Diaz at the Wiltern Theater 12/21/12. 

Ticket info later this month. Get on the mailing list now so you dont miss it, it'll sell out quick.


****************************************************

 

Well what if you're WRONG about the End of the World?

Highly doubtful. That's some strong science.

But even if we don't die, people will keep dying and that can be sad if you're not in a death pool.

The folks in my social circles had always used the term - "oh yeah, he's a wicked fuck-up. I'm putting him in my death pool" - but not until two years ago did my friend Jobi actually start an actual organized pool with rules, point structures and bonus systems.

Even then I only got in as a goof since I don't really follow pop culture. And then as the ball dropped on New Years Eve and we all revealed our 20 picks for the year, I became immediately hooked. Every day that year I found myself going to Wiki Deaths 2011 before even checking my email. Summer hadn't even come before I was making notes for next year. Strategies based on different bonuses. I'd front-loaded Celebrity Rehab contestants for obvious reason but over-looked NFL lineman who die in their mid 50's on average. Couple that with the bonus for African-Americans during black history month and you're looking at nice odds.

By the start of the 2012 pool, I had been sitting at the computer like some racetrack handicapper for months and all but kept my picks locked in a briefcase to my wrist. I am currently in 2nd place and feel bad following my friend Ralphie May's Twitter feed more closely than I would if he weren't in the position to play king-maker and throw me over the top.

There is nothing I won't gamble on - even if it's FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY - but nothing has proven more fun than Celebrity Death Pool. Whatever you're into - Fantasy Football or Baseball, March Madness brackets or picking the ponies are all fine but this is better. Death has no season and any long-shot can surprise you and pull you from worst-to-first at the last minute.

So Jobi and I have decided to spread the joy of prognosticating the Fates of the Stars. We are launching "Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pool" - www.stanhopesdeathpool.com - so that you can join in the fun. You can pre-register today, start getting your crew together and, of course, start doing your research for 2013 candidates.

And fuck you if you copy my Ralphie May pick. I've had him since long before there was such a pool. Besides, I'm probably a way better choice.

More to come.


****************************************************

 


We are on the road a ton so updates don't come as quickly as I'd like. Fortunately Bingo updates our travels a lot on her Facebook page. Follow her at www.facebook.com/bingo.amy.bingaman and see her at the merch booth on the road. She's the blue-haired girl and she loves it when people know her. 

 


 

 

 

Thursday
Aug022012

Fan Mail

 

My good old buddy Frank Lunney aka Captain Rowdy croaked this month. He was a "triple X-rated" comic and pretty big in the southwest when I first started out. He took me under his wing in the early years and sometimes under his fists or shod foot. His beatings were like a gift from an angel. Shit started going downhill for him after a while and never seemed to stop. Diabetes had them whittling his limbs down like scrimshaw and his kidneys finally left him like so many of his wives. He was a damn good human being and I can't say how much I appreciate all he did for me starting out. 

 

If you care to help, buy my merch. His 13 year old son Gage is now an orphan and I'm sure he'll be jacking me up for cash soon. I'll say it's from you.

 

*******************************

 

I've been lazy about putting up fun fan mail. This one showed up as actual hand-written snail-mail near 4th of July a year ago. My friend Hack read it out loud in the kitchen and we all laughed at the fan-boyish tone. At least at first.

I'll transcribe it as it was written.

"Dear Doug... or should I say feloow drunk Doug,

 

I was at your show last October or November down in Ft Lauderdale, I was the creepy kid in black among the crowd of creepy kids in black and I really enjoyed the show and I'm glad I got to see you live because I was beginning to think you weren't real; I was starting to think you were some form of CGI digital Santa Claus that was sent down by God to save us from this retarded society we live in. At least I got to see the philosopher Doug Stanhope do his magic and I'm talking real magic, the kind that makes you want to drink even when you really don't want to.

Anyway, since you're reading this you should knw that I'm already dead by the time you get this. I'm no fan of the world and even less the way I live in it, and there are some good things but I've had 23 almost 24 years to do those things, and although I want to stay a little longer and get to see some more I can't, for the moral justice thinks I have to do 7 years in a prison for looking at the wrong kind of porn even though that happened to me as a kid and I never complained about it.

Anyway, now that I'm completely out of hope, I'm leaving you my favorite book, which I think you will like and maybe give a few ideas for new material. It's not perfectbut most of the concepts in the book are similar to your views, just a little less vulgar.

So Doug, thanks for giving me something to laugh at, that was almost impossible with my gloomy outlook and sick sense of humour.

Thanks for being the one person with the balls to speak out the truth. I hope you are much more successful in what's left of your career and save some worthy people before it's too late.

 

Thanks and good luck

Your fan and follower.

Liam S.V. Hughes

 

Oh and by the way, it's painless helium suicide in case you were wondering. At least I DIED LAUGHING!"

 

**

 

We checked it out and he indeed killed himself after being arrested with child porn on his computer and facing 7 years. My lawyer friend who looked up the case said he did the right thing, considering his odds in prison. I don't think I could have offered a better suggestion aside from using something other than helium as I already have a bit about a fan that killed himself that way.

Comics always say that they are happy to be able to make people laugh, to give em a small break from their daily grind, their grueling nine-to-five. A lot of my people have a much darker grind and I'm happy to give them a nice chuckle and release at the end of a long day setting fires, drowning their kids in a car and blaming it on the blacks or debating between suicide or prison.

Liam Hughes was certainly not the only really fucked-up fan I've had nor will he be the last. I don't know exactly why I appeal to so many wrecked, scared, miserable, ugly, angry or otherwise ill-suited for life as we know it. But I'm not unhappy that you're here. Every time there's somebody like the Aurora theater shooter, I check my mailing list and Facebook to see if they were a fan. I know that if it weren't for comedy, I might be sitting in a dark room stockpiling weapons and putting names on lists. 

Maybe you should try writing jokes. Or kick-boxing or something. Join a Neighborhood Watch. That's where all the real psychopaths hang out. 

I don't have all the answers. I just do comedy.

But in the meantime, certainly keep your cards and letters coming to 212 Van Dyke St. Bisbee AZ 85603.

 

***********

 

In case you're wondering, the book Liam sent with the letter was called "Think!: Why Crucial Decisions Can't Be Made in the Blink of an Eye." Pretty unremarkable but it's the thought that counts.

 

******************************

 

Wow, this update has been pretty death-heavy.

 

Here's a great story for anyone who's fantasized about riding over the Westboro Baptists with a combine followed by a Zamboni, a more clever way to fuck with em!

Me, I feel better already.