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TOUR DATES

 

August 15

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 16

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 17

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 21

Comedy Store
Los Angeles, CA

 

August 22

Comedy Store
Los Angeles, CA

 

August 27

Cobb's Comedy Club
San Francisco, CA

 

August 28

Cobb's Comedy Club
San Francisco, CA

 

September 12

The Trocadero
Philadelphia, PA

 

September 13

State Theatre
Falls Church, VA
Cheapest tickets at the Box Office

 

September 18

San Jose Improv
San Jose, CA

 

September 19

The Mohawk
Austin, TX

 

September 27

Plaza Hotel & Casino
Las Vegas, NV

 

November 11

Venue TBA
Brisbane, AU

 

November 14

UNSW Roundhouse
Sydney, AU

 

Wednesday
Sep122012

Presidents, Apocalypse, and Death

 

 

As we draw closer to the dullest election since Bush/Dukakis, I will now go on record as throwing my shriveled, impotent support behind the only candidate worth hearing, Governor Gary Johnson. Johnson, the former two-term Governor of New Mexico is running on the Libertarian ticket.

Many of you reading this are thinking that the whole affair is a waste of effort, that the corruption runs too deep and the system is rigged and you'd be right. But I still like rooting for an underdog and I'll cheer-lead the fuck out of Gary Johnson.

Upsides:

Gary Johnson wants to end federal drug prohibition and allow states to set their own policies. He wants to legalize marijuana. 

Wants our troops home from Afghanistan immediately as well as reevaluating the need for other bases spread across the world.

Is pro-choice and pro-gay marriage and for stem cell research.

Abolish the IRS and enact the Fair Tax.

Keep the internet tax-free and uncensored as well as legalizing internet gaming.

End the Patriot Act

That's all pretty fucking good.


Downsides:

Nobody knows who the fuck he is even though he pretty much in synch with Ron Paul (without any of the racism baggage.)

He's a little creepy looking.

He's far too honest.

That's one of my biggest peeves with both Johnson and Paul. Why not just lie about some of the shit you wanna do? It's been a working business model for politicians since I've been alive yet it seems that it's only implemented by the nefarious. 

They say the won't raise taxes and as soon as they are elected they raise taxes. Why never the other way? Why never a guy running on the Anti-Coon ticket only to get elected and free the slaves? Bullshit has a solid track record and should not be taken out of the equation especially if it offers you opportunity to make drastic changes for liberty. Some stuff is gonna suck. Gloss over it or just flat out lie. Most people - myself included - are too fucking under-educated on the facts to have any business scratching their asses in a polling booth. If it's necessary, tell them whatever dogshit subterfuge it takes to get into office and then fuck em over by doing the right thing.

Deception should not be reserved for evil people.


In the meantime, take out your Sharpie or your spray can and write "Johnson/Gray 2012" in every dirty toilet stall you find yourself vomiting in over the next few months. That might be the extent of my political pull but it'll make me smile when I read it.



****************************************************


The main reason that most people cannot take this election seriously is that we are all now frightfully aware that indeed, December 21st, 2012 - the end of the Mayan Calendar - now certain to be the End of the World.

It no longer matters how the Arizona Cardinals did in pre-season. Nobody gives a fuck about going over the mileage on their leased vehicle. Only a sucker would buy a pregnancy test today. She won't even be fat by the time the firestorms come.

All folks seem to care about his how the will spend their last day and who they will spend it with.

That was a problem for a lot of you who were having to choose between spending their final day on Earth with me, Joe Rogan or Joey MadFlavor CoCo Diaz. Well now you don't need to choose. We have come together to do a show in Los Angeles on that soon-to-be fateful date so we can spend it with you.

Rogan, Stanhope & Diaz at the Wiltern Theater 12/21/12. 

Ticket info later this month. Get on the mailing list now so you dont miss it, it'll sell out quick.


****************************************************

 

Well what if you're WRONG about the End of the World?

Highly doubtful. That's some strong science.

But even if we don't die, people will keep dying and that can be sad if you're not in a death pool.

The folks in my social circles had always used the term - "oh yeah, he's a wicked fuck-up. I'm putting him in my death pool" - but not until two years ago did my friend Jobi actually start an actual organized pool with rules, point structures and bonus systems.

Even then I only got in as a goof since I don't really follow pop culture. And then as the ball dropped on New Years Eve and we all revealed our 20 picks for the year, I became immediately hooked. Every day that year I found myself going to Wiki Deaths 2011 before even checking my email. Summer hadn't even come before I was making notes for next year. Strategies based on different bonuses. I'd front-loaded Celebrity Rehab contestants for obvious reason but over-looked NFL lineman who die in their mid 50's on average. Couple that with the bonus for African-Americans during black history month and you're looking at nice odds.

By the start of the 2012 pool, I had been sitting at the computer like some racetrack handicapper for months and all but kept my picks locked in a briefcase to my wrist. I am currently in 2nd place and feel bad following my friend Ralphie May's Twitter feed more closely than I would if he weren't in the position to play king-maker and throw me over the top.

There is nothing I won't gamble on - even if it's FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY - but nothing has proven more fun than Celebrity Death Pool. Whatever you're into - Fantasy Football or Baseball, March Madness brackets or picking the ponies are all fine but this is better. Death has no season and any long-shot can surprise you and pull you from worst-to-first at the last minute.

So Jobi and I have decided to spread the joy of prognosticating the Fates of the Stars. We are launching "Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pool" - www.stanhopesdeathpool.com - so that you can join in the fun. You can pre-register today, start getting your crew together and, of course, start doing your research for 2013 candidates.

And fuck you if you copy my Ralphie May pick. I've had him since long before there was such a pool. Besides, I'm probably a way better choice.

More to come.


****************************************************

 


We are on the road a ton so updates don't come as quickly as I'd like. Fortunately Bingo updates our travels a lot on her Facebook page. Follow her at www.facebook.com/bingo.amy.bingaman and see her at the merch booth on the road. She's the blue-haired girl and she loves it when people know her. 

 


 

 

 

Thursday
Aug022012

Fan Mail

 

My good old buddy Frank Lunney aka Captain Rowdy croaked this month. He was a "triple X-rated" comic and pretty big in the southwest when I first started out. He took me under his wing in the early years and sometimes under his fists or shod foot. His beatings were like a gift from an angel. Shit started going downhill for him after a while and never seemed to stop. Diabetes had them whittling his limbs down like scrimshaw and his kidneys finally left him like so many of his wives. He was a damn good human being and I can't say how much I appreciate all he did for me starting out. 

 

If you care to help, buy my merch. His 13 year old son Gage is now an orphan and I'm sure he'll be jacking me up for cash soon. I'll say it's from you.

 

*******************************

 

I've been lazy about putting up fun fan mail. This one showed up as actual hand-written snail-mail near 4th of July a year ago. My friend Hack read it out loud in the kitchen and we all laughed at the fan-boyish tone. At least at first.

I'll transcribe it as it was written.

"Dear Doug... or should I say feloow drunk Doug,

 

I was at your show last October or November down in Ft Lauderdale, I was the creepy kid in black among the crowd of creepy kids in black and I really enjoyed the show and I'm glad I got to see you live because I was beginning to think you weren't real; I was starting to think you were some form of CGI digital Santa Claus that was sent down by God to save us from this retarded society we live in. At least I got to see the philosopher Doug Stanhope do his magic and I'm talking real magic, the kind that makes you want to drink even when you really don't want to.

Anyway, since you're reading this you should knw that I'm already dead by the time you get this. I'm no fan of the world and even less the way I live in it, and there are some good things but I've had 23 almost 24 years to do those things, and although I want to stay a little longer and get to see some more I can't, for the moral justice thinks I have to do 7 years in a prison for looking at the wrong kind of porn even though that happened to me as a kid and I never complained about it.

Anyway, now that I'm completely out of hope, I'm leaving you my favorite book, which I think you will like and maybe give a few ideas for new material. It's not perfectbut most of the concepts in the book are similar to your views, just a little less vulgar.

So Doug, thanks for giving me something to laugh at, that was almost impossible with my gloomy outlook and sick sense of humour.

Thanks for being the one person with the balls to speak out the truth. I hope you are much more successful in what's left of your career and save some worthy people before it's too late.

 

Thanks and good luck

Your fan and follower.

Liam S.V. Hughes

 

Oh and by the way, it's painless helium suicide in case you were wondering. At least I DIED LAUGHING!"

 

**

 

We checked it out and he indeed killed himself after being arrested with child porn on his computer and facing 7 years. My lawyer friend who looked up the case said he did the right thing, considering his odds in prison. I don't think I could have offered a better suggestion aside from using something other than helium as I already have a bit about a fan that killed himself that way.

Comics always say that they are happy to be able to make people laugh, to give em a small break from their daily grind, their grueling nine-to-five. A lot of my people have a much darker grind and I'm happy to give them a nice chuckle and release at the end of a long day setting fires, drowning their kids in a car and blaming it on the blacks or debating between suicide or prison.

Liam Hughes was certainly not the only really fucked-up fan I've had nor will he be the last. I don't know exactly why I appeal to so many wrecked, scared, miserable, ugly, angry or otherwise ill-suited for life as we know it. But I'm not unhappy that you're here. Every time there's somebody like the Aurora theater shooter, I check my mailing list and Facebook to see if they were a fan. I know that if it weren't for comedy, I might be sitting in a dark room stockpiling weapons and putting names on lists. 

Maybe you should try writing jokes. Or kick-boxing or something. Join a Neighborhood Watch. That's where all the real psychopaths hang out. 

I don't have all the answers. I just do comedy.

But in the meantime, certainly keep your cards and letters coming to 212 Van Dyke St. Bisbee AZ 85603.

 

***********

 

In case you're wondering, the book Liam sent with the letter was called "Think!: Why Crucial Decisions Can't Be Made in the Blink of an Eye." Pretty unremarkable but it's the thought that counts.

 

******************************

 

Wow, this update has been pretty death-heavy.

 

Here's a great story for anyone who's fantasized about riding over the Westboro Baptists with a combine followed by a Zamboni, a more clever way to fuck with em!

Me, I feel better already.

 

Wednesday
Aug012012

Doug Stanhope's Big Stink Comedy Tour


The 4th of July party started June 28th and finally wound to an end on July 10th with only one visit from the Bisbee police on a noise complaint when the band moved inside at 5 am. All apologies to the neighbors. Funny thing is I slept though the whole thing only feet from the amplifier. I musta needed it. Thanks everyone for coming. My hands are still a bit shaky and we haven't finished sorting out the wreckage or found Bingo's phone. We're considering moving the Super Bowl Party to Vegas this year to let them deal with all the bullshit and just enjoy the game.

 

Thanks for everyone who came down. I miss the fuck outta you guys.

 

 

 

*****

 

My latest special "Before Turning The Gun on Himself" premieres on Showtime Friday, August 3rd. 

Set your DVR. Or wait an hour and wait for someone to put it online.

The audio version is available now digitally on Amazon if you can't wait or don't have Showtime. Or you can just steal it somewhere online. 

The DVD won't be released in the U.S. until November. But it's already out in the U.K. so you can probably just steal it online.

So long as you tell people about it. I kinda like this one except for my face and body of which I am not a fan.

 

********************

 

Next, the Doug Stanhope Big Stink Comedy Tour launches in Chattanooga on Aug 7th. I don't know why we titled it that other than it's fun to title a tour. And we can probably unload some t-shirts. The first run will have Carlos Valencia and the Junior Stopka on board and then the September run will have Brett Erickson and Geoff Tate. The last couple years I've just been flying into towns, saying words and getting back on a plane. There's no fun in that. This tour is gonna be old school, bunch of drunk friends in a van, driving around the country and fucking off heavily. Probably not as healthy physically but a lot more fun.

 

Check the dates and get tix now. Will be adding more soon. Note that I'll finally be in Boston at the Wilbur November 17th. About fucking time.

 

The first three weeks are in the southeast. If you miss us, maybe you can catch Neil Hamburger, Todd Barry and Brendon Walsh on tour together at the same time down that way. That's a hell of a show as well. Their dates are at http://www.americasfunnyman.com/tour.html

 

*********************

 

Update. Bingo got crawling drunk on a mountain vacation in Pinos Altos, NM and somehow found her phone. Lost it in a blackout and found it in another state weeks later in a blackout. 

 

That Bingo. She's a pill.

 

 

I'm in Wolverhampton by Henry Phillips

Here's a special bonus. The great song that Henry Philips came up with on our UK tour.