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TOUR DATES

 

August 13

Hotel Congress
Tucson, AZ

 

August 15

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 16

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 17

Highline Ballroom
New York, NY

 

August 21

Comedy Store
Los Angeles, CA

 

August 22

Comedy Store
Los Angeles, CA

 

August 27

Cobb's Comedy Club
San Francisco, CA

 

August 28

Cobb's Comedy Club
San Francisco, CA

 

September 12

The Trocadero
Philadelphia, PA

 

September 13

State Theatre
Falls Church, VA
Cheapest tickets are at the Venue Box Office

 

September 18

San Jose Improv
San Jose, CA

 

September 19

The Mohawk
Austin, TX

 

September 27

Plaza Hotel & Casino
Las Vegas, NV

 

October 7

El Paso Comic Strip Comedy Club
El Paso, TX

 

October 9

Launchpad
Albuquerque, NM

 

October 10

Outland Ballroom
Springfield, MO

 

October 14

Jukebox Comedy Club
Peoria, IL

 

October 15

Rock Island Brewing Company
Rock Island, IL

 

November 11

The Greek Club
Brisbane, AU

 

November 14

UNSW Roundhouse
Sydney, AU

 

November 16

Venue TBA
Adelaide, AU

 

November 22

Venue TBA
Melbourne, AU

 

Monday
Jul252011

For Someone Else's Benefit

 

 

Maybe you read about the grotesque umbilical hernia that was growing ever larger and disgusting from my gut last year. I offered a Free CD or DVD to any surgeon who might like to do some complimentary surgery.


And who'd have fucking guessed that yes, indeed - Doctors do come to my shows. Just so happened that a couple we'd met on the road happen to be anesthesiologists and live right up in Tucson. They emailed me post-haste after the update and offered their services. Anesthesia is 99 percent of the game - so long as I'm unconscious, I could have my dry-cleaner do the alterations. But they had a surgeon friend that was game and waived her fee as well.

Yes. It was a chick doctor. A hot Japanese chick surgeon with ropey arms who probably mountain bikes and didn't laugh at my examination room jokes and could have been 28 or 70 the way Asian women tend to go.

My immediate concern was that this might change my ingrained hatred of women and Asians. Like the movie where a Klansman gets the kidney transplant that saves his life from an carefree negro and learns a lesson. Would this surgery make me finally see the weaker sex and the yellow plague of the Rising Sun as equals?

Okay, I don't actually harbor animosity towards ladies or Japaniards but I do think racism and sexism are hilarious and certainly didn't want to lose that to some random act of kindness on her part.

And kindness it was. After my initial visit where you get asked a lot of questions and you tell a lot of lies - it's funny how you lie and say you drink about 20 drinks a week and their jaw drops like that's a lot - I asked her what this would normally cost for a cash paying customer. She said she didn't know exactly but estimated between 8 to 15 thousand dollars. 

This made it very awkward in how the fuck I was supposed to say "Thank You." Not really enough to mail a Red Lobster gift certificate.

So I told the doctors that in return I'd do a benefit show in Tucson for whatever cause they were behind. They discussed it and fortunately they don't like people as much as I don't and decided that it was best to do this for animals, something even my diseased fan-base can get behind.

So on Saturday, December 10th we'll be doing a benefit for the Humane Society at the Rialto in Tucson for my last show of the year. We're not going to be able to fit Phoenix in this year so drag your asses down and join the party. I'm gonna fill the bill with the funniest people I know that will still talk to me and we're going to tear the fucking place down in the name of sad puppies and surgeons and homeless kittens and a belly-button that no longer looks like a cocktail weenie blowing out of my stomach like a turkey timer.

I'm envisioning me tossing stray animals into the crowd from the stage and letting people drink shots out of my new sweaty navel. I want to do a Humane Society benefit that gets protested by PETA. 

Regardless, thanks, docs, for the surgery and the incredible results. I'll post pics of it spilling over a pair of Daisy Dukes with the top button undone as soon as we've pre-sold at least half of the show.

There's your incentive. Now get your tickets and spread the word.

 

*****************************

 

I'll be on the "Eddie" episode of the 2nd season of "Louie" on FX. I'm "Eddie." A whole epsiode of me acting. What a treat! If Louis CK can save that, he can do anything. The season has started and mine will air sometime in August. DVR it, queer-holes. 

I had to cancel Dallas and Houston last minute to do the filming and I appreciate you understanding.  If it was anything other than Louie's show I dont think you'd have been so kind. I've rescheduled both and tix are on my schedule.

Also, on July 28th I'm on "The Green Room with Paul Provenza" on Showtime. If you haven't seen the show - find it. It's one of the only shows about stand-up that I've ever liked - and I fucking love it. Check out last season with Patrice O'Neal and Roseanne and you'll see why it's brilliant.

My episode is with Dave Attell, Glenn Wool, Janeane Garofalo and Richard Belzer. Depending on how they edit it down, I may have to update again to defend a bit of a tiff I shouldn't have started but was completely right about. Either way, best to put Vaseline on your tv where my face is to make it more palatable. Hi-def doesn't work for everybody.

 

stanhope

Monday
Jul112011

Salt Lake City DVD/CD Recording!

 

We're taping two shows at The Complex in SLC for my new DVD to be out for Christmas. It's a very small room and only days away so get your tickets immediately, jump in the van, start driving or flying in from whatever state or country you live in and I'll start doing my hair.

"But a Tuesday night? People have to work in the morning!"

Yeah? Fuck em! Besides, the best audiences don't have jobs or at least show up to them drunk.

I'm done booking 2011 so check the schedule and see when I'm near you. If I'm not, it's probably because you said something mean to me the last time and I'm sore about it. Or maybe I just didn't have time and I'll get there next year.

Sorry Arkansas and Mississippi, somehow your paperwork just keeps getting lost in the mix year after year.

Everyone else... check the tour dates.

 

Official Press Release:

 

 

COMEDIAN DOUG STANHOPE TO RECORD LIVE COMEDY CD/DVD

IN SALT LAKE CITY JULY 19


TWO SHOWS ON SALE NOW


NEW YORK, NY (JULY 11, 2011) -  Doug Stanhope, the brutally honest and shockingly uninhibited comedian will record his next live comedy CD/DVD in Salt Lake City, UT at The Complex on July 19, 2011.  He will perform two sets, using local comedians as openers: one at 7:30pm and another at 10:00pm. Tickets are $19.00 each, on sale now and can be purchased through Brown Paper Tickets here.

Stanhope said of filming in Utah, "I'm filming in Salt Lake City because if the recording goes bad, the rest of the country will blame you."

Stanhope’s critically acclaimed cutting edge stand-up, ranging from biting social commentary to the crass and obscene, has landed him appearances on The Howard Stern Show, Comedy Central Presents, Premium Blend, The Man Show, Fox News with Greta Van Sustern, and BBC’s Newswipe.  Stanhope has taped TV specials for Showtime and UK’s Channel 4.  He was also featured in controversial film The Aristocrats alongside George Carlin, Don Rickles and Chris Rock to name a few.

His most recent CD/DVD Oslo: Burning The Bridge To Nowhere came out May 3, 2011 topping the Billboard comedy chart and was recorded in an abandoned factory in the Grünerløkka suburb of Oslo, Norway.

Stanhope will begin a 25-date headline residency in London at the Leicester Square Theatre on August 2, 2011 then he will head back to the States for a series of shows in the U.S.

 

About Roadrunner Comedy:
Launched in 2010, Roadrunner Comedy represents and encompasses the spirit in which Roadrunner Records was originally founded: a label that highlights brilliant artists that are inherently irreverent and provocative.  Roadrunner Comedy continues to expand with that same attitude and with the ideals that have made Roadrunner a recognizable brand worldwide. Roadrunner Comedy is currently home to Doug Stanhope.

http://www.roadrunnercomedy.com/

Tuesday
May032011

Nothing Up Their Sleeves

 

It's a good Sunday when you spend the afternoon trying to stop yourself from directly calling or emailing children to piss wildly on their dreams simply because you can.

I watch an assload of documentaries when I'm home and generally it's because I hope to enjoy them - unlike regular television which I often times watch just to hate. Hate is entertainment too.

In order to understand how a simple documentary on teenage magicians taking part in a contest can bring me to the brink of calling or emailing those same teens to tell them how much they suck, you have to understand a few things.

First and most obvious is that you have to understand how (shitty) magic is and how wildly delusional magicians are about what they do.

Another key is to understand how easy it is to find the people from documentaries on the internet, either the documentarian or his subjects. These people aren't celebrities. If a Kevin Bacon movie makes you angry, you can't just pull up his name and number on Google in a fraction of a second. But a teenage magician...?

Yes - if I hate magic so much why would I watch a documentary about it? Frankly - on the off-chance that the documentary was mocking it. I watched "Jesus Camp" as an atheist and was thrilled with the results.

But no such luck with this one. This one was magic at it's most magician-y. In the first three minutes you are shown a montage of professional magicians hurling lofty quotes about their own craft such as...

"Magic reminds us that the universe is a huge, capital 'M' mystery."

No it doesn't. It reminds us that some people will do anything to get people to look at them. The universe never springs to mind at all, ever.

"It's a specific state of mind when your world view is shattered for a second."

This goes into footage of someone doing a pedestrian coin-disappearing hand trick. Which of course shatters your world view.

"Magic... on a significant level and a more deeper impact, it is changing people's lives. When you are able to do the impossible, there are no obstacles left in your life anymore."

Yes but you don't do the impossible. You have the dexterity to hide a coin between your fingers while wearing spangles. It's extremely possible, as are the obstacles in life. Idiot.

Now a montage of the teenagers in the contest.

"I found something that came naturally to me, came easy to me and blew people away, made a lasting impression, made people wanna talk to me, made people like me."

Magic doesn't make people like you. It makes people watch your hands to figure out where the coin went. If they don't like you without doing magic, you have a long road, son.

"Maybe that's what we're trying to do with magic - is trying to find out who we are as a person."

Um... yeah. You'll figure that out by hiding a silver dollar. Jesus fuck.

Now comes the Japanese kid.

"When I can't communicate with language, I can use magic. Because magic is borderless."

Remember this next time you are overseas and can't find the bus station - just pull a string of chinchillas out of your top hat. It's an international language.

You can see now why I'm already in a state of vomit-shock in the first three minutes. Or maybe you can't. Regardless, I now had to watch the whole thing. And while I watched, I Googled the most annoying of them and all had email contacts and most had phone numbers for bookings.

I didn't call or email any of them - maybe because I'm a better person than that or maybe because Bingo kept yelling at me for even thinking of doing it.

But just being on the verge of shitting on their happiness, I understand every piece of hate mail I ever received. I'll settle for simply imploring these young magicians-in-the-making to lean more towards the Penn Jillette and less towards the every-other faggots who seem to believe they are mystically doing more than spinning plates in a uni-tard.


*****************************

Chris Cavanaugh was a fan in Seattle who just died of cancer. His friend emailed last year to tell me about it so we drunk dialed the cancer guy and he wouldn't believe it was me. I dont know why - my name isn't really Make-A-Wish caliber. If your friends are gonna pull a gallows prank on you, you'd hope they'd go a lot bigger.

He came to the show last August and then had it beat for while but it came back and ate him dead. He was late-20's/early thirties. Just saying, have fun while you're still around. Don't take shit so seriously. Osama bin Laden? Royal wedding? Magic? C'mon. Do you really give a fuck?

******************************



Bingo was wearing my "Abortion is Green" shirt in Newark airport waiting to board while I was off getting snacks. Some bearded snoot evidently started in on her about it's meaning and was mid-histrionics when I got back. We were on our way back from the UK in the middle of a 17 hour haul and I walk into Bingo trying to repeat my Abortion is Green bit and throw in what facts she can muster in a haze of miles and sleeping pills. When she saw me behind her she sighed, quit and said "Ask him."

I half-heartedly tossed out some statistics on carbon footprints and fossil fuels - the two sentences being the extent of my knowledge and then boarded while he yelled "Maybe your parents should have aborted you!"

Sometimes it's better to get home than fight.

********************

If you didn't catch this on your own or on my Facebook... this is a fantastic story. Yes, it's sad and tragic BUT... as far and sad and tragic goes...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1377847/Kipp-Rusty-Walker-stabs-death-stage-open-mic-event.html

*************

Thanks for keeping your asses in the seats and spreading the word.

stanhope



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