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Wednesday
Sep122012

Presidents, Apocalypse, and Death

 

 

As we draw closer to the dullest election since Bush/Dukakis, I will now go on record as throwing my shriveled, impotent support behind the only candidate worth hearing, Governor Gary Johnson. Johnson, the former two-term Governor of New Mexico is running on the Libertarian ticket.

Many of you reading this are thinking that the whole affair is a waste of effort, that the corruption runs too deep and the system is rigged and you'd be right. But I still like rooting for an underdog and I'll cheer-lead the fuck out of Gary Johnson.

Upsides:

Gary Johnson wants to end federal drug prohibition and allow states to set their own policies. He wants to legalize marijuana. 

Wants our troops home from Afghanistan immediately as well as reevaluating the need for other bases spread across the world.

Is pro-choice and pro-gay marriage and for stem cell research.

Abolish the IRS and enact the Fair Tax.

Keep the internet tax-free and uncensored as well as legalizing internet gaming.

End the Patriot Act

That's all pretty fucking good.


Downsides:

Nobody knows who the fuck he is even though he pretty much in synch with Ron Paul (without any of the racism baggage.)

He's a little creepy looking.

He's far too honest.

That's one of my biggest peeves with both Johnson and Paul. Why not just lie about some of the shit you wanna do? It's been a working business model for politicians since I've been alive yet it seems that it's only implemented by the nefarious. 

They say the won't raise taxes and as soon as they are elected they raise taxes. Why never the other way? Why never a guy running on the Anti-Coon ticket only to get elected and free the slaves? Bullshit has a solid track record and should not be taken out of the equation especially if it offers you opportunity to make drastic changes for liberty. Some stuff is gonna suck. Gloss over it or just flat out lie. Most people - myself included - are too fucking under-educated on the facts to have any business scratching their asses in a polling booth. If it's necessary, tell them whatever dogshit subterfuge it takes to get into office and then fuck em over by doing the right thing.

Deception should not be reserved for evil people.


In the meantime, take out your Sharpie or your spray can and write "Johnson/Gray 2012" in every dirty toilet stall you find yourself vomiting in over the next few months. That might be the extent of my political pull but it'll make me smile when I read it.



****************************************************


The main reason that most people cannot take this election seriously is that we are all now frightfully aware that indeed, December 21st, 2012 - the end of the Mayan Calendar - now certain to be the End of the World.

It no longer matters how the Arizona Cardinals did in pre-season. Nobody gives a fuck about going over the mileage on their leased vehicle. Only a sucker would buy a pregnancy test today. She won't even be fat by the time the firestorms come.

All folks seem to care about his how the will spend their last day and who they will spend it with.

That was a problem for a lot of you who were having to choose between spending their final day on Earth with me, Joe Rogan or Joey MadFlavor CoCo Diaz. Well now you don't need to choose. We have come together to do a show in Los Angeles on that soon-to-be fateful date so we can spend it with you.

Rogan, Stanhope & Diaz at the Wiltern Theater 12/21/12. 

Ticket info later this month. Get on the mailing list now so you dont miss it, it'll sell out quick.


****************************************************

 

Well what if you're WRONG about the End of the World?

Highly doubtful. That's some strong science.

But even if we don't die, people will keep dying and that can be sad if you're not in a death pool.

The folks in my social circles had always used the term - "oh yeah, he's a wicked fuck-up. I'm putting him in my death pool" - but not until two years ago did my friend Jobi actually start an actual organized pool with rules, point structures and bonus systems.

Even then I only got in as a goof since I don't really follow pop culture. And then as the ball dropped on New Years Eve and we all revealed our 20 picks for the year, I became immediately hooked. Every day that year I found myself going to Wiki Deaths 2011 before even checking my email. Summer hadn't even come before I was making notes for next year. Strategies based on different bonuses. I'd front-loaded Celebrity Rehab contestants for obvious reason but over-looked NFL lineman who die in their mid 50's on average. Couple that with the bonus for African-Americans during black history month and you're looking at nice odds.

By the start of the 2012 pool, I had been sitting at the computer like some racetrack handicapper for months and all but kept my picks locked in a briefcase to my wrist. I am currently in 2nd place and feel bad following my friend Ralphie May's Twitter feed more closely than I would if he weren't in the position to play king-maker and throw me over the top.

There is nothing I won't gamble on - even if it's FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY - but nothing has proven more fun than Celebrity Death Pool. Whatever you're into - Fantasy Football or Baseball, March Madness brackets or picking the ponies are all fine but this is better. Death has no season and any long-shot can surprise you and pull you from worst-to-first at the last minute.

So Jobi and I have decided to spread the joy of prognosticating the Fates of the Stars. We are launching "Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pool" - www.stanhopesdeathpool.com - so that you can join in the fun. You can pre-register today, start getting your crew together and, of course, start doing your research for 2013 candidates.

And fuck you if you copy my Ralphie May pick. I've had him since long before there was such a pool. Besides, I'm probably a way better choice.

More to come.


****************************************************

 


We are on the road a ton so updates don't come as quickly as I'd like. Fortunately Bingo updates our travels a lot on her Facebook page. Follow her at www.facebook.com/bingo.amy.bingaman and see her at the merch booth on the road. She's the blue-haired girl and she loves it when people know her. 

 


 

 

 

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