Let's start with the emails. That's always fun.
This guy irritated me especially because he's one of those cunts that... well, you've been to my show. He's one of those cunts. I've deleted the unnecessary opening "I first heard you..." type shit to get to his point, which still takes a lifetime.
A lot of your appeal and characterization and persona and whatnot is associated with your drinking habits, with which I also relate. But to be quite frank with you sir, you drink like a pussy. No offense. I've noticed in many of the video performances I've seen that you primarily consume beer. Occasionally if I'm doing yard work, which is very rare as I have no yard, but maybe if I'm with friends that are not as hugely alcoholic as I, then I will enjoy 1 to 4 beers. But when it's time to get down to business, it's straight sour mash... Usually on ice. But I've seen recent performances, or video pieces rather of you with what looks like a screwdriver. Really? You pride yourself as being a hard drinker and somewhere around 40 you upgraded from high school juice to suburban mom juice. I'm not saying this to be mean. Like I tried to state in the beginning, it seems that we are similar rags cut from the same asshole cloth, except you're funnier and probably smarter for making a living out of you vices. I just think that, for your image, as a surly and comedic gentleman, maybe you should drink like one. Also, and this is not a challenge unless you want it to be, I'm pretty sure I can drink you under the table. Choose your weapon, unless that weapon is maddog or nighttrain or some other fucked up sauce, because I just can't go there.
Anyway, I didn't mean to sound negative, but you probably will never read this, and I think that's something we'll both appreciate. But to recap and close, I love you but sincerely think you should get some scotch or bourbon or bottom shelf whiskey and enjoy it you pussy.
Sure, it's not hate mail by any stretch but maybe you're not reading the inherent cunt in this guy. This is one of the many "Drink it, pussy!!" yay-hoos that regularly fuck up a punch line because they think a 9 dollar investment in a shot that I don't want, at a time when I don't want it gives them right to override my show in progress.
Any faggot - and I use that word with 6 cocks in my mouth - who thinks being a drunk is an image should be at Mardi Gras, not my show. If you are concerned with the type, flavor or brand of alcohol you - much less anyone else you stare at on Youtube - is drinking as opposed to why you are drinking or what the ramifications are... well then, you are a stooge.
You'd be a guy watching "Intervention" and saying "That hobo is drinking Scope? Why not just drink a grasshopper, you fairy!"
I am guilty of using the word "alcoholic" in the same way I use "god" - the fact that it is so commonplace makes the fact that I don't believe there is such a thing, a moot point. Regardless, you calling yourself an alcoholic is a slap in the gut to any conditioned, long-term drinker like when a white rapper says they're a straight-up gangster. We're cut from the same rag? Yeesh.
And there's a lot of you at my shows. When I get emails from drinkers who are worried about how often they consider suicide or concerned about organs not functioning properly anymore or even if it's normal to never have a solid stool, I know those are people I can drink with.
You fucking puddle-deep turds that say you can drink someone under the table when BEING under the table is the whole point... you guys I'll see at the merch booth.
*Sips Mimosa and hits send*
Okay, these emails aren't as annoying as they are retarded. And it's a sort of retarded that isn't uncommon in my inbox. The kind of retard that had the snot washed off of it and now just wants to give you a brainless squeeze around the rib cage.
Here's one from Cincy.
So I am sure this message will go un-noticed due to how busy you are but I figured I would at least ask. Almost two years ago my boyfriend and I came to see you on our first day. We celebrate our anniversary on April 11th. I know you will be at the club Go Bananas April 9th and 10th but saw on your page your next stop is in TX on the 16th. So my question is this due to both of my boyfriends and my working the days you will be here and they have no head liner that compares to you on the 11th if I could beg and plead for you to consider staying and extra night and doing another show on the 11th. I was trying to plan the night for us of like our first date which would include you. I realize that you wont most likely be able to but I thought I would ask at least. Our jobs have become very demanding on us lately and we don't see each other as much as we used to so I thought I would at least reach out and see if there was a change that could be made! Thank you for taking the time to read this! I hope to hear from you soon!!
No, thank YOU, Ashley. You made me smile all disabled-like, open-mouthed with chicken salad spread across my teeth. You are right, it never hurts to ask. Unless making fun of you hurts, which it shouldn't. Maybe you asked something like this one time and it worked so you keep trying. You told the movie theater that it was the anniversary of your first finger-banging and wondered if they wouldn't mind replacing "Hurt Locker" with "Alien vs Predator" for one showing and - Miraculously - they DID IT! Giving you a false sense of security in asking similar bonehead questions.
What I'm trying to say is Happy Anniversary and thanks for thinking of me on your special day - even if it's not so special that you'd take a night off of work for it.
This email came in on April Fools Day making me initially suspicious but it's way too soft to be a prank....
contact_comment: (boring stuff deleted)
I found out your doing a show on June 12th at the Highline. I wanna attend, but I had to talk my wife into it. See, I'm arab/italian hardcore athiest from Brooklyn, who enjoys dark comedy such as yours, and she's a Black Baptist from Georgia who's easily offended. How we co-exist is a miracle, but we respect each others beliefs. Anyway, to make a long story short, she saw your Showtime special and thinks your the evil. But she's willing to go with me because it would be the highlight of my year. I wanna ask if you have any ideas on how to make her feel comfortable because she doesn't drink or get high. I was hoping like a lil' shout out before the set. If not, I understand. If you have any suggestions , get back to me.
Another great email and I'm glad you took the time. Lets see... what ideas do I have to make her feel more comfortable? Let's brainstorm on this... shoot it around the room. No, it's cool - I spend this much time with each and every audience member to make sure the show goes perfectly.
Wait, I think I got it! Don't bring her! No, seriously... this has
worked in my own relationship on occasion. Like your religious/athiest situation, my girlfriend doesn't like sushi. So if I decide to eat sushi, I don't bring her. Because she doesn't want to go. Because she's is an adult like me and can feed herself. And she'd prefer to eat something she likes rather than get a "shout-out" from the cook while she chokes down shit I know she hates. Sometimes she doesn't want to sit in front of my laptop and pump off to cake-smearing porn. So what I do is not make her sit on the toilet next to me.
I could go on. Todd Barry has the perfect bit about dumb emails you get as a comic that is so good that just breaching the subject feels derivative. So go buy Todd's CD and find a relationship where you can go out alone every now and then.
Hold On, Canada. I'm Coming!
I've finally responded to your e-mails, texts, phone calls, Facebook posts, screams, carrier pigeons and formal charges. I'M COMING TO CANADA!
From July 17-July 25 I'll be tearing through The Great White North on an extended journey. If you're in Canada, or love visiting Canada, come find me in any or all of the following spots:
Halifax, NS, Canada
Winnipeg, MB, Canada
Royal Albert Arms
Regina, SK, Canada
Saskatoon, SK, Canada
Roxy's on Broadway
Edmonton, AB, Canada
Calgary, AB, Canada
Vancouver, BC, Canada