When it came to fucking at that age, I followed all the rules like line-dancing, stiff and mechanical. Make out, squeeze titties over the shirt then under the shirt, fumble with bra, finger fuck under the pants while sucking titty, awkwardly take off pants like you've never had legs of your own for practice, then stick it in and come immediately. Then tell your friends.
And one day I decided to add the extra step of eating the pussy into the dance. Same choreographed moves, only after removing the bra, you kiss your way down from tittie to vagina like hopscotch to eat the pussy and... then, BAM! -- in Penny's case -- stop abruptly just above the bellybutton when hit with a cunt-stink like Bhopal and Mardi Gras Sewage. Times six.
Now it's time to quickly retrace my steps back up to her titty as though I was rewinding a VHS tape. Sure, I still fucked her but the fear of that vagina stayed with me to this day. I like pussy to smell & taste like chlorinated pool water and I've held that one bad experience against black women ever since.
Cut To -
Milwaukee last Tuesday (April 4)
We play an off-night at a comedy club/money laundering facility underneath a topless bar in Milwaukee. VIP room upstairs after the show. A large yawn at this age, but what the fuck. A large portion of the Desert Party contingency has arrived for all over the country for this lineup and it seems like they should get some free tits for their trouble.
A jumpy man takes me aside and -- accommodating my on-stage solicitation for drugs -- hands me a variety pack of pills. 2 Ecstasy (weak), 2 Xanax, 2 homemade Cialis and 2 Ritalin -- a Noah's lifeboat of narcotics. The X went first, then the Cialis for experimental purposes. Now back to over-socializing in a ugly arena until we could mobilize the troops to leave.
Back at Art's house I explain to her that we had miscommunicated, that I was under the impression that she was here for a party and not for business and that I believed my friends had neither the desire nor the finances to procure the female companions in question. She's cool and gets on the phone to cancel, only to find that they are already parked in front of the house.
"Come with me," she says and we walk to the curb where every stereotype is sitting in a parked Cadillac. Two girls in the front -- and the pimp slouched in the back.
I explain my misinterpretation and politely offer to pay the girls 50 bucks each just to dance a few dances to cover the trip. The pimp is more than happy and I stroll back in with my all-ethnic crew.
Here's an exchange that resulted from a complaint email that I recieved. One that wouldn't have been happy with the show regardless.
My immediate reply -
And she writes back -
I posted this on Myspace and even a lot of people who commented didn't realize that I was kidding about being given "scripts". Fantastic.
Austin at Club Deville (and Emo's on the night it rained - Deville is outdoors) was outrageous. Thanks for those who showed up and made it weird. My apologies to the 'Kinky Friedman for Governor' folks who came out. They were doing a petition drive and I told them I'd give them a plug onstage to help with the campaign and promptly forgot both nights. I did give an onstage plug, however, to congressional candidate and last year's Libertarian Presidential candidate Michael Badnarik. Difference being that Badnarik showed up for the show. Regardless, I support you both madly and without pants.
The consequence of performing at an alternative venue in Austin is that -- as you can see on my schedule -- my Cap City dates for June were pulled. I assume this was a first-strike move, Cap City knowing that when I realized that I could make more on a door deal on a late-night Sunday/Monday gig than in a full weekend at their comedy club -- without all the rules and the stink-eye, that even with my poor business skills I'd cancel their date on my own.
I'll still be in Austin that weekend in June. At Club Deville. Thanks, Austin.
Other shit-cannings have sprung from the South Bend Funnybone incident. Clubs with personal or financial ties to the South Bend F'Bone pulled upcoming dates. The KC Improv, Tampa Improv and the Virginia Beach Bone dates now are cancelled. I'll be back in Tampa (location TBA) and KC has been sewn up at the Record Bar. The show there on March 30th with the Pornhuskers is something that no comedy club would ever allow under any circumstances.
Point being, comics young and old, is that you don't have to wink at the dick of shitty club owners in order to work regularly and for the same or better money in whatever market you want to work. Nor do you have to allow them to tell you what is funny, appropriate or professional.
Another huge bonus in working rock 'n' roll venues: I got to finally work with Neil Hamburger.
Hamburger is an underground legend in stand-up who has one of the greatest, probably the only interesting "how'd you get started in comedy" stories that I've ever heard. Unfortunately, it's not mine to tell.
The guy is absolutely brilliant and hopefully we'll be working together more down the road.
Check his "unofficial" page here. http://www.americasfunnyman.com/
I still have another month on the road before I crash for a minute and head to Ireland. Check the dates and sign up for the mailing list. Myspace has been invaluable as far as reaching people but if it ever goes shitty, I need to be able to tell you where I'm gonna play. Take a second and do it.
Oh, and I'll be doing Edinburgh in August - keep an eye out for the specifics.
Monday, April 17, 2006 at 2:50AM