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TOUR DATES

 

October 23

Cleveland Improv
*SOLD OUT*
Cleveland OH

 

October 24

The Machine Shop
Flint, MI

 

October 25

The Token Lounge
Detroit, MI

 

November 10

Byron Bay Brewing Company
Byron Bay, AU

 

November 11

The Greek Club
Brisbane, AU

 

November 12

Ainslie Football Club
Canberra, AU

 

November 14

UNSW Roundhouse
*SOLD OUT*
Sydney, AU

 

November 15

UNSW Roundhouse
Sydney, AU

 

November 16

Capri Theatre
Adelaide, AU

 

November 18

Fly By Night Club
*SOLD OUT*
Perth, AU

 

November 19

Fly By Night Club
Perth, AU

 

November 22

Dallas Brooks Centre
Melbourne, AU

 

November 26

University of Auckland
Auckland, NZ
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No other New Zealand cities/towns will be added

 

« Catchup | Main | Beware the Ides of March »
Monday
Apr172006

Fear of a Black Vagina

Claymation Artist Re-Enactment

 

Fear of a Black Vagina

Milwaukee, WI

I was near sixteen years old, so far as my flawed memory can peg it. My step-sister -- whom to this day I hope has cervical cancer and no insurance -- had a girlfriend of color named Penny who would sleep over and occasionally fuck my brother and me, much to the annoyance of the step-sister we hated. Penny was a female Urkel but at that age, a willing fuck was more priceless than good grades or immortality.

 

When it came to fucking at that age, I followed all the rules like line-dancing, stiff and mechanical. Make out, squeeze titties over the shirt then under the shirt, fumble with bra, finger fuck under the pants while sucking titty, awkwardly take off pants like you've never had legs of your own for practice, then stick it in and come immediately. Then tell your friends.

And one day I decided to add the extra step of eating the pussy into the dance. Same choreographed moves, only after removing the bra, you kiss your way down from tittie to vagina like hopscotch to eat the pussy and... then, BAM! -- in Penny's case -- stop abruptly just above the bellybutton when hit with a cunt-stink like Bhopal and Mardi Gras Sewage. Times six.

Now it's time to quickly retrace my steps back up to her titty as though I was rewinding a VHS tape. Sure, I still fucked her but the fear of that vagina stayed with me to this day. I like pussy to smell & taste like chlorinated pool water and I've held that one bad experience against black women ever since.

Cut To -

 

Milwaukee last Tuesday (April 4)

We play an off-night at a comedy club/money laundering facility underneath a topless bar in Milwaukee. VIP room upstairs after the show. A large yawn at this age, but what the fuck. A large portion of the Desert Party contingency has arrived for all over the country for this lineup and it seems like they should get some free tits for their trouble.

A jumpy man takes me aside and -- accommodating my on-stage solicitation for drugs -- hands me a variety pack of pills. 2 Ecstasy (weak), 2 Xanax, 2 homemade Cialis and 2 Ritalin -- a Noah's lifeboat of narcotics. The X went first, then the Cialis for experimental purposes. Now back to over-socializing in a ugly arena until we could mobilize the troops to leave.

 

On the way out, a black titty dancer leaving her shift asks me if there's an after-party. "Follow us", says I. In the parking lot I find her behind our car and she asks if I'd like more female company at the house.

Fuck, yes, we would. Bring those off-duty pole-humpers with you. But then she gets on the phone to order two more girls with costumes, giving them the address of where we are staying. It takes a few drunken moments to get into our car and realize that I have not scored some titty-dancer fans but instead ordered prostitutes.

We're drunk and cock-heavy. Let's not kibosh the deal until we see the other talent and then we'll decide.

 

Back at Art's house I explain to her that we had miscommunicated, that I was under the impression that she was here for a party and not for business and that I believed my friends had neither the desire nor the finances to procure the female companions in question. She's cool and gets on the phone to cancel, only to find that they are already parked in front of the house.

"Come with me," she says and we walk to the curb where every stereotype is sitting in a parked Cadillac. Two girls in the front -- and the pimp slouched in the back.

I explain my misinterpretation and politely offer to pay the girls 50 bucks each just to dance a few dances to cover the trip. The pimp is more than happy and I stroll back in with my all-ethnic crew.

 

Black People Like Me!

The pimp's name is Sacramento Slim and he is as polite and affable as he is cliched. He had a black fur coat and a grill like Pootie Tang. He's not thuggish and becomes even less so when his main girl tells him we're the comedians. Perhaps Girls Gone Wild is what every pimp aspires to be.

We try to get them to dance to Banjo Randy pickin' on the couch but we understand when they decline. Black girls and banjo music are like white girls and banjo music. We find a channel on XM that is purposely misspelled, and wouldn't you know it's hip-hop.

 

Pimp's Gone Polite

 

Pickin' and a Grinnin'

 

Ghetto booty shakes in middle-class America

Our main girl hated Andrist's act and calls him to the carpet literally, making him renounce his race on all fours as she beats him with a belt. The audiences in Appleton would not have believed him later in the week if he hadn't had the deep purple bruises on his back to prove it.

One of Slim's girls is making the rounds in the living room jiggling her meaty ass as much as 50 bucks can motivate and a larger dose of better MDMA might have tempted me astray if it hadn't been for a strong scent of Penny drifting though her g-string and a foot away from my face.


Appleton, WI

 

"So you Texas boys think you can come up here and use Wisconsin as a urinal?"

That is the quote Andrist hears when he comes out of the Appleton bar to find Rouse being put into the police car. Any other details to what happened previously, aside from the obvious, will never be known. Rouse certainly couldn't tell you.

The aftermath is that Andrist and the Jew told the cops that Rouse is crippled and wasn't allowed to use the men's room in the bar, etc, and eventually Rouse gets off with a 186-dollar ticket and without them finding the weed in his pocket.

Rouse tells the audience about the incident through the week, about how it's another example of the Patriot Act infringing on our freedoms, about the cop's quote about Texas boys using Wisco as a toilet and how, evidently, yes they could use it as a urinal -- for 186 dollars.

"Everybody has their price," says Rouse.

And the crowd probably thinks it's all a joke.

 

"Yes officer, that is my urine. But, that shit was already there when I got here."


 

We got a few complaints in Appleton. Some of the usual "you ruined our birthday party" nitwits and a couple that I could partially agree with. The show was too much. Too many acts, too much distraction, over-produced, if that's possible. We were taping a CD to benefit Hinty's stomach stapling and had friends from Minneapolis, St Louis, Austin, Tampa, Ohio, L.A. and Milwaukee there, on stage and off and a lot of it got sloppy. I'm no producer.

 

Here's an exchange that resulted from a complaint email that I recieved. One that wouldn't have been happy with the show regardless.

From: "felicia" <@@@@@@hotmail.com>
To:
Subject: APPLETON WISC
Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2006 16:20:12

I JUST WANTED OT TAKE A FEW MINUTES OF YOUR TIME TO LET YOU KNOW HOW UNHAPPY I WAS AT YOUR SHOW AT SKYLINE ON THE 7TH OF APRIL.
YOU GUYS WERE TERRIBLE. I NEVER EVEN LAUGHED (NOT EVEN SMILED TO MYSELF). I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GUYS THINK YOU ARE FUNNY. I THINK YOU WERE GETTING LAUGHS FROM THE DRUNKS THAT WOULD LAUGH AT ANYTHING. YOU ALL HAD GOOD DELIVERY, TIMING AND GOOD CHARISMA ON STAGE. SO I DO THINK YOU WILL GO PLACES BUT YOUR ACT NEEDS WORK.

THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT 911. THE TSUNAMIE, ETC.
THANKS FOR LISTENING,

F

 

My immediate reply -

 Dear Felicia -

 

Thank you very much for your e-mail. Your comments are taken very seriously and we happen to strongly agree with you on this matter.

As you are probably aware, The Skyline Comedy Club provides us with scripts each time we perform to insure that we present a new "act" every show. We were shocked to see some of the material we were asked to recite last night and argued fruitlessly with management to change or completely remove some of the more offensive and risque parts of the monologues. We also do not like the fact that we are forced to act as though we are intoxicated just to increase alcohol sales, a practice implemented by many comedy clubs.

I hope that you forward your thoughts onto the Skyline upper-echelon so as to bolster our own arguments. The fact that I am asked to poke fun -- even indirectly -- at 9/11 knowing that my friend Lynn Shawcroft -- also on the bill -- lost her brother-in-law in those tragic events is insulting to me as an actor.

Please call Cliff or Pat at Skyline -- 920 734 xxxx -- and ask that we be allowed to go back to Thursday's script that dealt more with difficulties in relationships, Brokeback Mountain and Hooters restaurants. Subject matter that is more palatable to the audience, as well as ourselves.

Your friend,

Doug Stanhope

 

And she writes back -

 

I AM SO SUPRISED TO RECEIVE SUCH A WELL WRITTEN RESPONSE. I THOUGHT YOU WERE AN DRUNKEN IDIOT. (HA-HA) I CANNOT BELIEVE YOUR COMMENTS. IS THIS TRUE?? IS THIS THE CASE WITH ALL COMEDIENS/COMEDY CLUBS???

I KNOW PAT AND CLIFF AND I WILL CALL THEM. THANK YOU FOR NOT CALLING ME A C**T. I THOUGHT I WOULD GET THAT KIND OF RESPONSE. BECAUSE YOU ANSWERED SO ELOQUENTLY AND PROFESSIONALLY, THEN I CAN ASSUME YOUR WORDS AND THOUGHTS ARE TRUE.

THANKS FOR YOU TIME AND GOOD LUCK

F

 

I posted this on Myspace and even a lot of people who commented didn't realize that I was kidding about being given "scripts". Fantastic.


Austin at Club Deville (and Emo's on the night it rained - Deville is outdoors) was outrageous. Thanks for those who showed up and made it weird. My apologies to the 'Kinky Friedman for Governor' folks who came out. They were doing a petition drive and I told them I'd give them a plug onstage to help with the campaign and promptly forgot both nights. I did give an onstage plug, however, to congressional candidate and last year's Libertarian Presidential candidate Michael Badnarik. Difference being that Badnarik showed up for the show. Regardless, I support you both madly and without pants.

The consequence of performing at an alternative venue in Austin is that -- as you can see on my schedule -- my Cap City dates for June were pulled. I assume this was a first-strike move, Cap City knowing that when I realized that I could make more on a door deal on a late-night Sunday/Monday gig than in a full weekend at their comedy club -- without all the rules and the stink-eye, that even with my poor business skills I'd cancel their date on my own.

I'll still be in Austin that weekend in June. At Club Deville. Thanks, Austin.


Other shit-cannings have sprung from the South Bend Funnybone incident. Clubs with personal or financial ties to the South Bend F'Bone pulled upcoming dates. The KC Improv, Tampa Improv and the Virginia Beach Bone dates now are cancelled. I'll be back in Tampa (location TBA) and KC has been sewn up at the Record Bar. The show there on March 30th with the Pornhuskers is something that no comedy club would ever allow under any circumstances.

Point being, comics young and old, is that you don't have to wink at the dick of shitty club owners in order to work regularly and for the same or better money in whatever market you want to work. Nor do you have to allow them to tell you what is funny, appropriate or professional.

Another huge bonus in working rock 'n' roll venues: I got to finally work with Neil Hamburger.

Hamburger is an underground legend in stand-up who has one of the greatest, probably the only interesting "how'd you get started in comedy" stories that I've ever heard. Unfortunately, it's not mine to tell.

The guy is absolutely brilliant and hopefully we'll be working together more down the road.

Check his "unofficial" page here. http://www.americasfunnyman.com/



 

I'm amazed at the amount of people who've seen The Aristocrats. It was an honor to be a part of it. If you haven't seen it, get it here http://www.thearistocrats.com/

 

BUY IT NOW

 

Some other shit is in the works -- there's always some shit in the works -- but the one I'm looking most forward to is The Baiting Book. Should be available by years end from my good friends at www.disinfo.com. Stay tuned.


I still have another month on the road before I crash for a minute and head to Ireland. Check the dates and sign up for the mailing list. Myspace has been invaluable as far as reaching people but if it ever goes shitty, I need to be able to tell you where I'm gonna play. Take a second and do it.

Oh, and I'll be doing Edinburgh in August - keep an eye out for the specifics.


 

 

Renee in London!

The wonderful and estranged Ms. Renee Morrison is in London doing a play called "Manson Family Values" which, ironically, she had to shave her head bald to do.

If you're over there - please go see her and spread the word. She's fantastic.

TICKET INFO : http://www.cptheatre.co.uk/event_details.php?sectionid=theatre&eventid=124&searchid=current

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