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April 20

Zanies
Nashville, TN

 

April 22

Comedy Caravan
Louisville, KY

 

April 23

2720 Cherokee
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April 24

Improv Kansas City
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April 25

Mermaids
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April 27

Phoenix Underground
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May 1

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June 10

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June 11

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June 12

M15 Concerts Bar & Grill
Corona, CA

 

June 18

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Star Theatre
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June 27

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August 21

Comedy Store
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« Happy New Year. It's the first year of the end of your life. | Main | Doug's Book of Baits »
Tuesday
Nov282006

My Cock Looks Like A Croaking Bullfrog.

 

And, it hurts like a son-of-a-bitch.

I have a history of problems with ingrown hairs, each incident worse than the next. They always occur after I trim the ugly area and always in the same place - in the nether region where the underside of the cock-shaft meets the balls. The frontal-taint. The disputed Kashmir region of my groin.

 

And now I have an abscess there the size of boneless mouse on the under-carriage of my undesirables. I tired applying a drawing salve to try to get it to a head. The ointment looks and smells of hot-tar roofing and I don't think it would draw anything but looks of derision from whoever does your laundry.

Generally, I never go to the doctor. Everytime someone has scared me into going it turned out to be a waste of time and money. But after a week of having this grotesque monstrosity ballooning in my undergarments daily, I finally made an appointment down the street at the clinic.

 

Anatomy of an Ingrown Hair 
[More HERE
]

"I have a 2pm with Dr. Hoffman available on Wednesday" she says and I take it, knowing full well of Dr. Hoffman's reputation. If you read this blog regularly, Dr Hoffman is the same ancient, boozebag doctor that prescribed an over-the-counter lice shampoo to our previous vagabond con-artist roommate when he caught crabs from a local skank and blamed it on motel bedding after infecting the entire house.

Yes. The doctor wrote out a prescription for over-the-counter medication. We also heard that he sent a man for an EKG after the patient complained of gas pains. He is legendary in Bisbee for his incompetence. But after a week watching your dick balloon around it's gullet like a snake on Thanksgiving, you take what you can get.

Hopefully I won't have to follow up on this update. If I do, it's not going to be good. Happy endings don't make for good comedy.


Somebody said "Nigger!"

No, I'm serious!

I wrote about it briefly - since there isn't that much to say - on my Myspace blog. I watched the video and commented on what I saw. I wasn't aware of the extent of the media blitz until I sawKramer on CNN surrounded by Jesse JacksonPaul Mooney (the most racist comic I have ever witnessed) and a few other black "leaders" talking about his shame and the "personal work" he would be undertaking to find what inside of his soul made him say such things.

It was one of the most embarrassing spectacles I have witnessed in the recent past.

This is no longer about anything that he said onstage. This is about the uncut cowardice of people unable or unwilling to simply say " Fuck you. I was pissed off and I said some shit. Go fuck yourself if you don't like it."

Michael Vick of the Atlanta Falcons. Same shit. He flipped off the fans who were giving him shit - at the Falcons own stadium no less - and then he's giving a heart-felt (if the publicist who wrote it actually has a heart) apology for his sins on ESPN.

Send your camera crews out to the homes or workplaces of these empty cocksuckers who actually heckle people to the point of snapping and make them apologize.

 


Kramer vs. Non-Kramer


Rev. Jesse Jackson


Paul Mooney

 


Mr. Vick

 

 

"I'd like to say that I am truly sorry - not only to Mr. Vick who has tried his best to fulfill my empty life by throwing a ball around - but also to my friends and family who I embarrassed by drinking too many overpriced beers and then shouting into the face of an athlete so savagely that he actually responded by extending his middle finger - making my life seem complete by finally being acknowledged. For this I realize that I am a worthless asshole."

Jesse Jackson - and if you are black and don't consider him or any other human being to be your leader or spokesman, please be vocal about it - is on CNN to discuss Michael Richards outburst as though it were as significant as MLK's assassination on the same day that a 92 year-old black woman was murdered by police in a drug raid and an unarmed black man was killed by police on his wedding day.

It no longer matters what Michael Richards said. The fact that you care - or that the mass media force you to take an opinion in order to distract you from shit that really matters - is the true problem.

Today, millions of people said the word "nigger". Some of them were racist. Some were black. Some were kidding. A couple of them were parrots. Others were reading Huckleberry Finn.

It ain't news.

Today, people in positions of power are trying to fuck you over. They use terms like "African-American", "spreading democracy", "fighting for freedom", etc. They call themselves leaders. They tell you that it's in "your own best interest" or "for both of our safety".

I'm tired of being logical. I have a shelf full of great books and documentaries I just bought from Amazon and I have a rampant infection in my shameful area. If you can't figure this shit out on your own, I'm not the guy who's gonna be able to help right now.


We did a benefit CD for our friend Mr. Hinty called Morbid Obscenity. It's a comedy CD featuring me, Andy AndristSean RouseLynn Shawcroft and my good friend Banjo Randy. There's still some left and I feel like a douchebag that it didn't sell out to pay for his surgery. So buy one by clicking here. It'll be worth a lot when we're dead and we're all pretty close.

 


Morbid Obscenity



Stanhope in '08

 

The presidential run is getting in order. We won't start kicking it in the balls for a couple months yet. Get on the mailing list or the Myspace page (preferably both) because we're going to take this as far as possible.

You keep asking me if I'm serious.

You have no idea.

Let's have fun again. Fuck the rest of em.

There will be no apologies.

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