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TOUR DATES

 

September 27

Plaza Hotel & Casino
Las Vegas, NV

 

October 8

El Paso Comic Strip Comedy Club
El Paso, TX

 

October 9

Launchpad
Albuquerque, NM

 

October 10

GoldenLight Cantina
Amarillo, TX

 

October 13

Outland Ballroom
Springfield, MO

 

October 14

Deja Vu Comedy Club
Columbia, MO

 

October 15

Jukebox Comedy Club
Peoria, IL

 

October 16

Rock Island Brewing Company
Rock Island, IL

 

October 17

Reggie's Live
Chicago, IL

 

October 18

Reggie's Live
Chicago, IL

 

October 20

Dr. Grins @ The BOB
Grand Rapids, MI

 

October 21

Pittsburgh Improv
Pittsburgh, PA

 

October 22

Snickerz Comedy Club
Fort Wayne, IN

 

October 23

Cleveland Improv
Cleveland OH

 

October 24

The Machine Shop
Flint, MI

 

October 25

The Token Lounge
Detroit, MI

 

November 11

The Greek Club
Brisbane, AU

 

November 12

Venue TBA
Canberra, AU

 

November 14

UNSW Roundhouse
Sydney, AU

 

November 16

Capri Theatre
Adelaide, AU

 

November 18

Fly By Night Club
Perth, AU

 

November 22

Dallas Brooks Centre
Melbourne, AU

 

« If You Can't Beat Em, Fuck Em - Pt. 2 | Main | Dear Boston Police, »
Friday
Nov122004

If You Can't Beat Em, Fuck Em.

The Red Sox have won, Bush has been re-elected and Scott Peterson has been found guilty. You'd imagine that CNN would collapse like a black hole after the post-game wrap-ups. Don't you worry, son. There is "Breaking News" right around the corner. Some new persons life or epic struggle for us to live vicariously through so we don't have to notice how pointless our own existences are.

I was depressed about the Bush re-election for about 9 hours. Then I sat down at the Ale House in Chicago before the show to swill down some 12 ounce bottles of false enthusiasm. The bartender is one of those fake-cranky people - old before her time - who probably pre-dates the bar. They just saw her on that empty lot one day and built the bar around her character. The regulars have long since stopped paying attention to the election coverage and now listen to the bartender complain about tips and waitresses who change shifts without letting her know and Bill who was supposed to pick up some shit in the basement and still hasn't come with the pick-up truck to get it.

And it reminded me that - for most of us - it doesn't matter at all who makes it to the White House. John Kerry wasn't going to get Bill off his ass to get that shit out of the basement any faster than Bush or even Nader. Nor would they help you find a babysitter that won't raid your liquor cabinet or get your girlfriend to let you fuck her up the ass.

Keep in mind, at the end of the day you only have yourself to rely on and only yourself to blame. You are now and always have been The President. Only you know the problems that face your country and you have to figure out how to overcome them. Paying too much in taxes? It's up to you to figure out better ways to fuck them out of the money. Don't like the education your kid is getting? Teach em yourself. Worried about getting sent to Iraq? Smoke a joint, fail the piss test or suck a dick in public.

The world is always going to suck and you will always be out-numbered by assholes. Just because some assholes are the self-described "people in power" doesn't mean they are any diiferent than the civilian assholes you have to dodge on a daily basis. A cop is no different than the angry bouncer you avoid when you're trying to get blown in a nightclub toilet. The IRS is the same as the raccoon that eats your garbage. You just have to make it harder for them to get to your shit.

So stop worrying about who claims to be in charge and start putting your own policies into effect. Begin Operation Fuck The System. The next revolution will come from the inside out. Protesting in the street is for the young and those lacking in imagination. There are more people than you think who understand that it's all fucked. Unfortunately the majority of them are already to deep into the system to fall out of it. You have kids and mortgages and your Mother-in-law has diabetes real bad and she'll be staying with you for a while. It seems that you, sir, are fucked.

But being part of the system is exactly where you need to be to become a cancer to the system. And you can do that by doing what America is known for - by fucking up. All you have to do is fuck up a little bit, here and there.

If you're a cop, lose some paperwork every now and again. Get a bad cold on a day you were supposed to show up in court for a drug possession case. Forget to read their rights instead of saying "I'm just doing my job." To err is not only human, it's revolutionary.

A red flag on a tax return doesn't exist if you don't notice it, Mr Tax Man. Hey, look Officer Border Patrol, your shoe is untied - conveniently when that mother and her two small children are make a mad dash towards a new life in housekeeping.

Whatever it is that you do, you can find a way to overlook some small details to make someone elses day better. Approve one more home loan than you normally would. Fuck it, it's not your money. How much perfectly good food do you throw away when your restaurant closes? Drop it off with at a shelter on your way home. Work at the DMV? Well, now there's a world of details to overlook there. Be lazy to the benefit of the guy in line, not the state.

You get my point. There's a million ways to punch holes in a system meant to keep life overcomplicated and tragically dull. George Bush is dangerous but so is the guy who yells at you for forgetting your name tag or the shithead who tells you that restrooms are for customers only. Just because your life is too mired in the shit to be huffing tear gas at a WTO riot doesn't mean you can't take a few chips out of the wall in your own arena. Weaken the foundation to topple the house.

More on this later, I got shit to stir up in Shreveport.

Sign onto the message board and share your ideas or just be an asshole.


Did you take a look at the Psytopia link? Stop emailing me to complain that I never play in Allentown or Lawton, Oklahoma. Come down to Jamaica to what could be the most fucked up party of your entire life. Seeing me there will be way better than seeing me at the Ramada in Greensboro. Sure, it's a bit pricey but if you start stealing just a few dollars a day from that job that you hate, you'll have plenty by the time we're blown out of our tit in the Carribean.


Oh, and if really don't know it's all fucked? I'll tell you a good place to start. Buy "You Are Being Lied To" at www.disinfo.com. Then go from there.


Someone tell Mitch Hedberg to update his fucking site. I really enjoy his words.


Buy my shit. Give it to someone you hate for Christmas.

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