Editor's Note - I am gay. That's right. I, Doug Stanhope, am extraordinarily gay. I am coming out of the closet for the sake of gays everywhere. The fact that I am not gay is insignificant to the fact that I just swore that I am gay. I am as gay as Jesus made me. I believe it's time for other not-gays to have the courage to be gay with me.
Dear Gays -
If you are from the Washington DC area, you are probably familiar with this story.
Washington, DC bought the Montreal Expos and brought them to your town and now they plan on tearing down the gloryhole district to make room for a stadium. And it seems the gays are up in arms, as you should be.
LISTEN TO ME, GAYS - YOU ARE MISSING THE BIG PIG PICTURE!
Do not fight the team - embrace them with warm leathery bearhugs. That's right, make them feel at home as Americas first gay baseball team, like it or not.
I was once - as a child - a big Oakland Raiders fan. Back in the 1970's. Ken Stabler, Fred Bilitnikoff, Dave Casper, John Matusak, Art Shell, Gene Upshaw - even Ray Guy the punter was worth flicking a small portion of poop of your cock - just to show respect for banging a punt off the rafters at the SuperDome in New Orleans.
But somewhere along the line, gang members and their wanna-be ilk took a liking to the Raiders and ruined it for the rest of us. You can't even go to an Oakland home game without risk of getting stabbed in the neck at the taco stand.
The gang members stole my Raiders. Now it's your turn - our turn - to steal the Expos. You can make the new Washington DC team America's Gay Team.
They will not back down from threats of losing the gay vote in your district. They are not worried about your threats of lawsuits, either - c'mon, you're gay not Jewish. But the threat of 20,000 guys sucking cock in the stands during the 7th inning stretch? Maybe then they'll move to the industrial park.
I'm not joking and I am certainly not mocking. I will be as gay as I can be (save for a bushy moustache) right beside you in the effort. I'll even stay at a YMCA, just to see how fun it is.
We can be the only club in the country who chant "Fuck the Yankees!" and mean it.
Call me when you're ready.