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November 10

Byron Bay Brewing Company
Byron Bay, AU

 

November 11

The Greek Club
Brisbane, AU

 

November 12

Ainslie Football Club
Canberra, AU

 

November 14

UNSW Roundhouse
*SOLD OUT*
Sydney, AU

 

November 15

UNSW Roundhouse
Sydney, AU

 

November 16

Capri Theatre
Adelaide, AU

 

November 18

Fly By Night Club
*SOLD OUT*
Perth, AU

 

November 19

Fly By Night Club
Perth, AU

 

November 22

Dallas Brooks Centre
Melbourne, AU

 

November 26

University of Auckland
Auckland, NZ
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No other New Zealand cities/towns will be added

 

« The Pledge | Main | From The Road »
Friday
Jun212002

Heroes

Anyone here remember the good old days when cops were dicks and everyone knew it?

Now they are part of the fastest growing ethnic population in America - Heroes!

Good fuck, heroes are everywhere, popping up like genital warts on a toad’s dick. Everyone’s a fucking hero. Just look for a uniform and when you spot one, drop down and suck his dick.

Go ahead and tell me how cops risk their lives to protect us. They may risk their lives but it has nothing to do with their personal desire to protect you. There may be the rare instance. Better chance that he took the job so he could jam a toilet plunger so far up your ass that it knocks off your NYPD hat. Cops are fucks and it’s not just a few bad apples. The good cops know exactly who the bad cops are and don’t do dick about it. The ones who even think about doing something about it are drummed out of the league before the can ever lift a finger to point it. Those are the good cops and they’re probably pumping gas now.

Serpico was a hero. The rest of them should get lupus.

Military? I’m sure there are lots of folks in the military with good intentions. There’s also a bunch who would trade their own asshole for a chance to kill someone on the battlefield. I remember during the Persian Gulf war there were lines of flag-toting yahoos spilling into the recruiters office hoping to get a gun before all the fun was over. Was it because America was at risk? To protect our freedom? Not even a pie-face retard thought for one second that that war was about anything other than oil but they still wanted to fight. Wanted to.

The Cambridge dictionary describes heroics as “unusual actions or achievements that are far greater than expected”. What fireman doesn’t expect to go into a burning building or would consider it unusual?

A guy walking down the street on his way to his job lumping boxes at UPS passes a burning building and, on knee-jerk reaction, runs in and saves your baby or your goldfish - that guy is a hero. A guy who trains and tests for years and busts his balls so that one day he may one day have the opportunity to run into a house fire is plain fucking nuts. One of my best friends is a fireman. When he didn’t pass the physical portion of the test on his first try he was devastated to the point of tears and it wasn’t because people were on fire and he was helpless to do anything about it. He, like other firemen, wanted the job, craved the excitement and prestige and needs the thrill-seeking in his life. If he hadn’t made the department I’m sure he’d be doing other crazy shit like skydiving or wrestling alligators. Dale Earnhardt didn’t drive around in circles at 300 miles per hour out of selfless compassion for people’s need for entertainment.

I’m not inferring that the public does not benefit greatly from their job. Just remember that one man’s greatest sacrifice is another man’s thrill of a lifetime.

That's why it's especially sad to see the grieving families on the news. “He loved his children and he loved going to church. He like playing baseball with underprivileged kids.” Ya, you know what else he liked? RUNNING INTO BURNING BUILDINGS!!! Nutty fucker. Maybe he should’ve quit that with the cigarettes before he started a family.

People always tell me that I must have a lot of balls to stand on a stage because it’s scary to them. I obviously have a pre-disposition for it and some ugly need for attention. And if I wasn’t funny I’d be pulling my dick out on street corners or singing karaoke.

stanhope

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